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Mysteries of the Suburban Jungle

So I found this just outside my house this morning. I’m not sure what I have living underneath my yard, but I don’t think I want to meet it any time soon.  I’m just hoping I don’t end up in the plot of one of those campy Syfy channel horror movies I love so much.  Arachnophobia, with Jeff Daniels, comes to mind.

Or worse, one of those outrageous Weekly World News headlines: Woman found encased in freakish cocoon-like web – mutant alien spiders running amok among us!

So, yeah. Whatever it is, let it stay outside and I’m good.

 

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although you can’t see them well, there were blobs of web positioned around the perimeter of the larger web — like little booby traps

 

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Enraged Walking Dead Spotted in England (No, Really!)

Who says women won’t stand up for each other? I wish they did it more often, but hey, at least it’s happening sometimes.

I saw a great Facebook post a few days ago from someone called Scott Sparrow. He was riding the Central Line between Oxford Circus and Chancery Lane in London and saw the following exchange. It’s made all the better when you realize (looove Google) that fanny in England is apparently slang for vagina. Gotta love “old soon to be dead” ladies who just don’t give a flying fig about what they say in public anymore.

 

post from Scott Sparrow

 

This is an awesome story. I absolutely love it. Mr. Sparrow should seriously do a “man on the street” type of weekly editorial. Hell, I would pay good money to get the newspaper that opted to publish this guy’s observations!

And as for the incident itself. I mean, c’mon. What right does that suit have – or anyone, frankly, to call out someone else on their physical appearance – whether it’s being very skinny or very overweight, or the way they dress? And yet most people think nothing of doing it – as if they were perfect.

That old woman resonated with me because hell, I can see myself being that outspoken and colorful when I’m that old (almost dead is how old I’ll be!). Basically there will be no change from how I am now, except I’d be viewed as “feisty” instead of rude!  I am sooo looking forward to that day.

And really, this entire situation is just one more reason why I need to freakin’ move to England…from the old, almost dead lady down to Mr. Scott Sparrow.  My kinda people over there (not counting the guy in the suit!).

Gift Giving Gone Wrong

Did you know that gifts can be categorized much more accurately than just good or bad? On the good side you have “best gift ever,” “I can’t believe you remembered,” and “they know me so well” just to name a few. That’s boring, though. What I want to talk about are the various shades of bad gifts.

You have the good bad gift that makes you shake your head and laugh because it’s just so darn tacky but ultimately lovable. There’s the “I really don’t like you but instead of telling you that in words I’m going to let the crappy gift I give you deliver the message” gift. Then there’s the “complete waste of money – I wouldn’t even buy it for a white elephant party” gift.

Enter Twinkle Tush! The most idiotic way to spend money that I’ve seen in a long, long, long, long time. It’s a jewel that you hang from your cat’s tail to cover up its exposed butt. Yes, you read that correctly. It’s a blinged-out butt cover for cats.

No, it’s not supposed to be taken seriously. The company is very clear on their website (albeit at the very, very bottom of the page) that this is a gag gift, but still, I don’t get the “gag” part at all (okay, well maybe I do gag, but you know what I mean). It’s shocking to me that someone, a team even, had enough money to put together a whole web page, find manufacturers, coordinate with vendors, set shipping rates, and filmed promotional videos for such a stupid gag gift.

And that’s not mentioning the people who fall for it. I’d love to be in a financial situation that’s so comfortable that I can waste $6 (plus shipping) on a useless trinket for my cat’s butt. Or worse yet, for someone else’s cat’s butt. I can see it now, everyone sitting around at the party watching the cat flaunt its butt bling.  What kind of party do you even have where you buy a gift for a cat? I know one thing for sure; there must be a lot of alcohol involved to have this kind of thing as entertainment.

You know what’d be even less stupid? Filming myself taking six dollar bills, ripping them up, flushing them down the toilet, and giving that video to someone as a gift. Maybe with a cool song playing in the background or something.

Point is, this butt cover is the bottom (pun! see what I did there?) of the barrel for dumb gifts. I know all gag gifts are inherently goofy, but this one just takes the cake. You’re basically spending $6 for maybe 10 minutes of sketchy entertainment from an item which, if you’re pretty normal, will then end up thrown in a drawer never to be seen again.

But hey, if you insist on throwing away your six bucks, you can always cut out the middleman of bad gift makers and just send the cash right to me. I won’t even charge you shipping.

Here There Be Sharks

It’s been shark month on Syfy and I love it because I really enjoy inane Syfy movies. Usually the goofier they are, the more I enjoy them and I seek out the ones with the crazy titles figuring they have the best hope of being the cheesiest movies (with bad acting and computer graphics even I might be capable of pulling off).  Of course they had Sharknado 3 – Oh Hell No!, which was disappointingly stupid (and I went into it knowing it would be idiotic, but it was just too much and I couldn’t even finish it), but they also had classics like Zombie Shark (which lived up to its name, trust me), Robot Shark (UFO meets shark, it was great), Sharktopus vs Pteracuda, and the follow-up Sharktopus, both equally dimwitted movies.  Needless to say, I’ve been having a ball with my guilty pleasure t.v. watching.

Of course sharks are a popular “villain” in movies because pretty much everyone is afraid of sharks. And Syfy plays that up by making them even worse – they add tentacles and alien powers and have scientists turn them into mutant monsters that can take huge bites out of the Golden Gate Bridge. It makes for fun movies since Syfy is so completely over the top with it, but sharks themselves are amazing creatures.

I love sharks and I hate sharks. I saw Jaws in a drive-in theater when I was young (I still harbor a grudge against my parents for taking me) and the scene where the head popped out of the sunken boat scared me to death. And of course (with no shark in sight during the scene) it made me afraid of sharks. I still am wary about the ocean but I’m not sure if that’s because of sharks or because I just don’t like the idea of swimming in a huge fish tank. At any rate, as I got older I grew to love sharks. I love the way they look, their history, the whole bit. They are fascinating animals. The only thing I don’t like is when I get suckered into a Discovery Channel t.v. show and see one eating a seal.  But otherwise, I’m good.

If you’ve got a smart phone…or even if you don’t, you can track sharks. Pretty cool, right? My daughter turned me on to this app.  Now I have her giving me updates like Big Ben chiming the time throughout the day.  Where’s Perth today?  Or Ningaloo?  What about Ningaloo!?  For the love of God tell me he has pinged!

The OCEARCH team (OCEARCH.org) has tagged a lot of sharks to track their movements.  When one of the sharks surfaces, the tracker tag “pings,” letting people with this app (Global SharkTracker) know their location.  The app consists of a map of the entire world, with little dots identifying where the tagged sharks are. They offer the same thing on their website.

You can track the sharks by name (from Adelaide, Al and Albert all the way to Wyatt, Yolanda and Zac), by their gender or their stage of life (immature, mature or “undetermined”).

You can see photos of them and see details – their species, length, weight, the day they were tagged and the location where they were tagged…and even more cool, just how many miles they have traveled since they were tagged.  Let me tell you, some of these sharks get around!

Click on the “Where have I been?” button and you’ll be able to see the migratory pattern of each of these sharks.

Sharks be crazy,” to paraphrase Sheldon of the Big Bang Theory.  And they seem to be!  Some are ‘sharks on a mission’ – they go in an absolute straight line to get from point A to B…because they’re all business and no fun. No time for side trips.

Then there are others that meander about in a very small area – they like it close to home and don’t want to venture out into the wild blue.

And then…then there are the nutty ones.  These are my favorites (of course, right!?).  These sharks look like they’re on some kind of a major caffeine trip because they’re just all over the place.  It looks like you gave a pen to a toddler and told them to draw some majorly complicated picture and you come away with this chaotic scribbly mess.

I’ve chosen a few of my favorites to show you the different sharks and different patterns.  So anyway, if you like sharks, like me, or are just interested in sharks, you should check out the app or go to their website (you can see the map and “pings” there too).  I warn you though; it can be quite addictive to see where your faves are spending their time and waiting to see where they’re going to surface next.

Madeline 9 Ft Tiger Shark

Madeline 9 Ft Tiger Shark

 

Mary Lee 16.5 Ft Great White Shark

Mary Lee 16.5 Ft Great White Shark

 

Ningaloo_12Ft Tiger Shark

Ningaloo 12 Ft Tiger Shark

 

Trinity 10 Ft Tiger Shark

Trinity 10 Ft Tiger Shark

I’m that Friend

Not to be vain or anything, but I’m that friend you want around should we ever have a zombie apocalypse or a Purge situation.  Oh, not because I’m great with a crossbow or even a shotgun, but rather because should I ever at some point in time ever have to run for my life, I can guarantee you, I’m not gonna make it. I’d certainly buy you those few extra minutes you might need to make it to safety. So, yeah. You definitely want me on your team.

Why no, no I am not.

WHY NO, NO I AM NOT.

Unwanted Visitors

So I was taking a pleasurable after dinner nap this past evening (because I can be incredibly lazy) when my foray into a psychedelic Austenland was abruptly interrupted by the bays of a thousand hounds of hell. The reason for the frenetic chaos? Two very unwanted visitors were on my front porch and knocking on my door, hoping to have a word.

Admittedly I was already cranky when I opened the door, so when I was greeted by a couple of fresh-faced Jehovah’s Witnesses rather than say an impromptu delivery of Edible Arrangements or boxes of chocolate, I was not nearly as willing to listen to their speech before turning them away as I ordinarily would have been.

Now I have nothing against Jehovah’s Witnesses or any religion normally…what I dislike are unannounced visitors on my doorstep waking me up only to push their wares on me (whether it’s of a religious or Tupperware variety makes no difference to me). I’m not antisocial. I just like peace and quiet and undisturbed naps.

So, anyway — when asked if I had heard the word of Christ,  I preemptively said (with a straight, if grumpy, face, mind), “Why yes I have, but there are unrepentant heathens living in this house. There’s a Norse pagan with a Loki obsession, a Zen Taoist with conflicted morals, and an atheist with questionable judgment.”

I could see they were fighting to understand even as the younger one complimented my tattoos and the older one (apparently having looked through a window) nicely commented on the video game my son was playing at the time. Luckily my daughter was in a back room and not having one of her more weird conversations with a cat, that we could hear anyway, although the reaction to that might’ve been really interesting to see. I did wish them well (see, I AM a nice person) before sending them on their way.

I figure this will either get us blacklisted from their list forever…or else — and this did not occur to me until much, much later — we will be placed on their “special” list of people that they feel need the most attention in order to “save.” Knowing my luck, that’s what will happen.  I’m hoping it’s the former.  If only so I can nap in peace.

If it’s the latter…I’m going to have to seriously look into moats, or remote-controlled tilting sidewalks (with cool slides back to the street)…or something.  Because naps, well they should just be sacrosanct.

 

hounds of hell

HOUNDS OF HELL

 

I NEED ONE OF THESE

I NEED ONE OF THESE

 

I’ve Got My Eye On You

Did you ever have that weird feeling that someone’s watching you? And then if you’re like me, you can’t help but turn around to confront the unknown thing giving you the eerie sensation hoping that you’ve just been imagining it only to be faced with the realization that your instincts were right.

Well, at lunch the other day, my daughter and I had this garden-variety stalker who just would not stop staring us down while we ate our pizza. It’s like he was plotting his revenge for us doing in his family or something. It was creepy I tell you.

 

creepy, right!?

creepy, right!?