It’s Raining Ramen

There’s something to be said for knowing how to do things yourself. You know, not just knowing how to sharpen your kitchen knives, catch a moose, house-train said moose, make the moose your friend … you know, as one does, but things like knowing how to iron a shirt, sew a button, change a fuse. Especially in this day and age, when everything is Googleable and we’re all carrying in our pockets these little crystal balls we call smart phones.

No longer do we need to memorize exactly how to house-train a moose. And if you find yourself one day lost in the middle of the woods in the night, starving, drenched in the rain, your feet squelching through the mud, and you do find a moose (no, really, bear with me here) you can whip out that trusty smart phone and ask it “How do I catch moose” and sure enough, you’ll find a YouTube video tutorial explaining the entire process. You can then ride the moose home. Provided that you’ve mastered the “make the moose your friend” step. That part is crucial.

That’s where technology might come in handy. Assuming of course, that you have a waterproof phone and battery and an actual moose.

As for deliberately getting lost? Hmmm … just don’t look at your phone. Easy-peasy, trust me.

Sometimes though, I wonder if we’ve gone too far in turning to YouTube for all our DIY needs. I mean, where do we draw the line?  You might have seen, for example, videos of people fixing things with Ramen noodles. Dry Ramen noodles, that is. Not cooked ones. That would just be gross, and I imagine, incredibly difficult. But seriously, repairs are being made with dry Ramen noodles. Tables, chairs, kitchen sinks, toilet bowls, you name it … apparently, it can all be fixed with Ramen noodles.

Yes, everything.

What kind of a spoiled, entitled society have we become where we actually use the things we’re supposed to eat to fix the things we now use to dispose of the things we eat? This is just getting silly, if you ask me.

Ramen noodles are meant to be eaten. Aren’t they? Right? I mean, I think we can all agree on that, yeah? At least that’s what I grew up believing. So what if they’re not good for you. They’re still a food product. Not a DIY repair-all tool.

Yet, here we are, browsing the interwebs, watching videos of people using noodles to fix everything, and it makes you wonder … how do the noodles feel about this? If I were a noodle, I’d be downright offended. Something dating back to China’s East Han Dynasty sometime between A.D. 25 and 220 deserves a bit more respect than ending up as part of your toilet.

My point is, are we just that bored? Are we really so desperate for novelty that we’ll actually use noodles for fixing tables and toilets? The answer is apparently a resounding “yes.”  Along with a shit ton of professional-grade solvents! Can’t imagine that’s good for us or the environment.

Seriously though. Noodles?

No, I don’t want green Ramen and ham.

And I don’t want Ramen noodle chairs either, Sam I Am.

What’s next? People will be asking you if you want your Ramen soup on a Ramen table in a Ramen bowl?

“And where’s the toilet?” you’ll ask. “Oh, the Ramen toilet?” they’ll reply. “Down the Ramen hall and on the Ramen right.”

You may as well be in a Ramen boat with a Ramen fox eating green eggs and ham (because of course, there’ll be no Ramen left to actually eat, everyone’s using it to fix things).

So how do you fix a table or a toilet without ramen noodles? Ahhh … therein lies the problem. You see, no one knows anymore. We’ve all been turning to YouTube for anything and everything for so long that we now just trust it blindly.

But listen, this where it backfires.

Have you heard of something called ants? What about roaches? Wasps? Weevils by any chance?  Before you go fixing everything around your house with Ramen noodles, just remember: there are plenty of creatures in the world that still like to eat Ramen noodles whether you’ve glued them onto your bathroom sink or not.

One day, you might just come home to find a moose in your bathroom eating your toilet bowl. And you haven’t even gotten to the YouTube video series “Make that Moose Your Friend” yet, so basically, you’re screwed.

No. It stops here, I tell you. Just eat your freakin’ Ramen noodles.

And call the plumber already. The toilet’s leaking.


Take That… Hack

I will apologize in advance for the stupidity of this article. I know it’s stupid. You don’t have to tell me. But I’ve been a bit sleep-deprived the past few days and it’s making me a little loopy. Not to mention, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time watching “5 Minute Crafts” and the like on my phone and it’s starting to affect me. I mean, if you’re on Instagram or Pinterest or even YouTube for any amount of time whatsoever, you’ll see image after image of life hacks that, for the most part, no-one in their right mind uses. In fact, life hacks can be generally annoying. They’re everywhere and it’s kind of annoying that people consider the most basic stuff a “life hack.” Okay, well, fine, there’s no “kind of” about it.

I’m starting to think life hacks are just a way to create clickbait articles doing everyday common-sense things.  Although, to be honest, most of the time, they’re not even really common-sense hacks. They’re more like, what stupid thing can we get people to do just because they saw it on the internet hacks. I mean, if these people were really on the cutting edge of innovation, they’d realize that eating Cheetos with chopsticks isn’t exactly a groundbreaking new idea to avoid orange fingers. I wish these do-it-yourselfers would step outside the box and come up with something truly creative. Instead, they slap together a video showing people the benefits of whipped cream as a shampoo and using nail polish to paint phone cases. Oh, and you want freckles? Yeah, they’ve got that covered too… with a fork no less.

Well, here I am, doing my part to counteract the craziness. I mean, someone has to do it, right?  So, without further ado, here are some life hacks for the lifehackers who do life hacks that are so out of the ordinary they can’t be anything but a hack (go ahead, say that three times fast… I dare you).

And now for something completely stupid…

Coordinate Fans Around the World to Combat Global Warming

People all over the world are talking about global warming. From Facebook to world leaders (well, most world leaders, anyway), people are arguing over science that will someday cease to exist because we’ll all be underwater. Helloooo and greetings from Atlantis! However, if you truly want to be a proponent for change, why not use the power of social media to coordinate an event where millions of people around the world turn on their fans and air conditioners at the exact same time in a bid to stop global warming? Cause… cool air negates global warming. Get it? Don’t believe me, just ask any scientist, they’ll tell you. Not only would you be a hero to the world at large but think of the polar bears. Think of the polar bears, people!

Text a Friend to Stay Awake While Driving

Those of us with working brain cells know that texting while driving is bad. Texting. Bad. We get it. But…  What if you’re falling asleep at the wheel? The naysayers don’t take into account that you’re taking the responsible route and texting a friend to help you stay awake. Maybe they should stop making these horrific commercials of people dying in fiery explosions and make a commercial of how your friend heroically saved you by texting you poop and eggplant emojis. And I will insert here, because this is important, I am making a joke. A stupid joke, as I’ve already explained, but a joke nonetheless. I am in no way condoning texting and driving, so don’t. Just. Don’t.

Free Flowers

It seems like flowers are just getting more expensive every year. I mean, take Valentine’s Day. One of the biggest days of the year for buying flowers, especially roses. Buying a dozen roses at the last minute for Valentine’s Day can set you back the equivalent of a down payment for a new car.  Now you don’t have to worry about that anymore. Simply go down to your local cemetery, they have flowers everywhere!  And just think, the bail you’ll pay when you’re arrested for trespassing and theft is still a hell of a lot cheaper than that dozen red roses at the local florist on Valentine’s Day. Plus, PLUS you’re saving money on that fancy Valentine’s dinner cause, you know, jail.

Poop at Work

I will apologize for the ummm… indiscreet discussion. However, when offering advice, one must address even the less than rosy topics.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but if you really hate your job and want to stick it to your boss, then take every opportunity you can to poop while on the clock. This lifehack is a two-fer. You get paid for going to the bathroom, AND you can brag about being paid to go to the bathroom. Oh, hey, it’s a three-fer!  Cause you’ll also be cutting back on costly repairs by destroying the plumbing at work instead of at your place.  Now see, this is the handy little hack no one ever mentions in those nifty videos.

Dinner with Friends Sans Wallet

This hack works equally well for those who a) like to live life on the edge doing dishes, or b) simply want a cheap free meal. The added benefit to this is that your friends, such as they are, will start ignoring your calls and avoiding social events with you, allowing you to save even more time and money as you stay home on Friday night to eat mac and cheese out of the pan in front of the sink and then chill… by yourself… with Netflix.

Your Problems Aren’t There if You Ignore Them

The final life hack is one so simple it almost shouldn’t be here: your problems don’t exist if you ignore them. You know those Pinterest quotes that go on about how you just need to ignore all the haters and negativity in your life? Well what are problems if not something negative? Simply pretend like the problems – aka the negativity – doesn’t exist and you put no value into your problem, hence, problem solved!  Arrested for stealing flowers from Cousin Dave’s grave?  Forget about it!  Reaping the rewards of your night out on the town which culminated in three hours of manual labor over a sink and one less friend? Who cares!? Smile it away. Hey, even if the problem is a fiery car crash you managed to escape from because you were texting your friend to keep him awake, just shut off your senses and pretend like you don’t smell the smoke of the burning wreckage that is your life. The life hack to top all life hacks. You’ve got this.

Breaking News… of a Sort

Labor Day, generally speaking, isn’t usually equated with a day of peace… it’s just not the theme for the holiday. But, still, miracles happen, and one such miracle happened in Maryland today. In fact, it’s a day that will go down in history.

Let it be known, that on Labor Day 2019, after a long-standing feud of 10 odd years, hostilities came to a halt, as peace talks, successful at last, brought about a temporary truce between two bitter foes. Weary from battle, these faithful warriors laid down their arms… umm, teeth… and sheathed their claws to meet, on common ground, for a well-deserved nap.

Will this newfound (dare we even say it!?) friendship last once these lifelong enemies have awoken? Or is this truce truly temporary? No-one in either camp is willing to end their slumber prematurely, so the future is uncertain.

For now, let’s simply revel in the unexpected tranquility and contentment reigning over the realm.

Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.

Laborious Labor Day

Labor Day here in the U.S. is on Monday… but gluttons that we are, many Americans tend to start celebrating sometime late on Friday.  Keeping that in mind, I want to wish all of my U.S. followers a very happy, enjoyable, and peaceful Labor Day weekend.

Now with that said, I must confess that Labor Day is one of those holidays that has always confused me… mainly for its contradictory nature.

I mean on Mother’s Day, we celebrate mothers and gift them with the present of doing nothing all day (not that many mothers get away with actually using the gift).  Father’s Day is the same way. We encourage fathers to do “their own thing” on their special day. The effects of most holidays coincide with the original purpose behind said holiday.

But not so Labor Day.

“Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.

Now, one would think from this description that workers should have the day off to relax and reap the rewards of the labor they’ve given to their employers and to society as a whole. And indeed, many employees do in fact have the day off. However, many of the hardest working people do not. On this day of celebrating their contribution to the world as we know it and to the workforce in general, they are instead forced to work.

Retail workers bear the brunt, just as they do at Thanksgiving and Christmas, given all of the sales that crop up on Labor Day. But they’re by no means the only ones. Military, police officers, firemen, food service, paramedics, convenience store workers, gas station attendants, all manner of hospital employees… to name a few.  And yes, many of these good people are essential personnel and life is much better and much safer (for the rest of us) with them in their respective jobs, even on holidays, and God love them for it. Others not so much. Retail, food service, convenience stores, grocery stores… there’s no reason to not let these people enjoy a much deserved day off except… except… that it cuts into profit.

So when all is said and done, Labor Day has been turned into a perverse contradiction of its original meaning and rather than truly celebrating the worker, it has devolved into just another way to take advantage of those who cannot afford to lose their jobs by protesting a holiday shift.

Such is America.

click pic for origins of Labor Day (including quote above)