Have you ever seen the Despicable Me movies? If you haven’t they’re pretty much about a curmudgeonly villain (voiced by Steve Carrell) whose ice cold heart is slowly melted by the presence of kids that are put in his care. None of that is terribly important. Cartoon movies always have some sort of moral like that in them. They have to, because let’s face it; media is how we shape our youth when we don’t have the energy to do it ourselves.

Anyway, the great part of these Despicable movies is that the villain, Gru, has a huge lab where he plans all of his world dominating high jinx and to help him out are these tiny overall-wearing helpers called “minions.”  They look like oversized pain pills with arms and legs and they’re dumb as rocks.  Even so, they’re just as cute as can be.  Listening to them speak or sing never fails to make me smile.  And more importantly, they help with all the crap that Gru simply doesn’t have time to bother with.

How awesome would it be to have our own personal minions!? Just a little team of followers that carries your purse when it’s heavy or runs to the grocery store for a bag of flour or deposits those check you can’t get around to.  They’d also be your biggest fans (much like in the movie).  And who can’t use fans?? They’d give you a standing ovation every time you come home from work feeling haggard and underappreciated. They’d tell you you’re a genius when everyone else thinks your ideas stink. Minion #1 would hand you a steaming mug of hot chocolate right after Minion #2 has helped ease you onto the couch for your nightly foot massage by Minion #3.

Yes, of course that would be great. Who wouldn’t want their own personal assistants that make the load a little bit lighter? And hell, let’s not candy coat the reality…it’d be the greatest excuse to be downright lazy.

I like thinking of the next level, though. If I had a staff of minions I’d want them armed and dangerous. Not real-life dangerous; cartoon level dangerous. I’d love it if they came equipped with freeze rays and didn’t hesitate to whip it out when there’s an annoying driver in front of me.

After all, minions come decked out with all sorts of nifty gadgets like that – and they could use them to dispense swift justice to anyone I deem as a hazard to my laziness and impatience.  Lassos, extending boxing gloves a la the Acme Company, mini-catapults…those are just a few ideas for their utility belt.  Hmmm, now that I think about it, all that power might be a bit too tempting to keep in check.  I suppose I should worry about the possible corruption of my soul. Right, who am I kidding….just where the heck can I find me some of these minions!?