God of Cookery

Recent meme I saw on Facebook: “I tried cooking something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.” God, I wish I had thought up that statement because I swear that exact thought has crossed my mind on more than one occasion in recent years. I’ve come to find that cooking is not like riding a bike. You can definitely forget.

I used to be good. I have memories of when the things I pulled out of the oven were met with mmmmms instead of uggggggghs. This was another lifetime ago, though. A time before I had a family who wasn’t willing to try something new or eat something different. If it’s not a slab of beef, hot dogs, or chicken nuggets, they’re not having it. Any of it. And it has seriously destroyed my cooking game.

I used to come up with crazy concoctions on my own or take notes from gourmet cooking shows (to be put to good use at a later date). There I’d be in the kitchen, like a culinary wizard mixing up some great elixir. I’d toss in dashes of paprika, sprinkle in finely minced basil leaves, and have all the burners blasting under bubbling cauldrons or sizzling pans. Now, after years of inactivity in the creative department of the kitchen, I’ve lost the touch. I’ve tried dusting off the cooking bike and have fallen flat on my face numerous times. No matter how much care I put into it, everything I try (and I stress the word try) to make comes out mushy and burnt when it’s supposed to be firm and, well, not burnt. The spice levels are always out of whack. The consistency wavers. You name it and it’s off.

Thankfully no demons from hell have actually popped out due to one of the abominations I’ve created, although that’s probably not far off unless I get my chef chops back. Until then I’ll simply have to deal with the demons I already have in my house who are currently pounding the table for Kraft Mac n’ Cheese.


cooking from scratch pic

12 thoughts on “God of Cookery

  1. Oh no! It will come back. Start by doctoring up the mac & cheese with other ingredients, maybe? But we were blessed with two kids who’d try almost anything, and who like to get inventive in the kitchen, themselves. So I don’t know what to suggest!

    • Thanks for the suggestion on the mac and cheese! That’s a good tip to try. When they were little, they’d eat anything (gourmet or not) but somewhere along the lines they’ve gotten picky in a very boring sort of way. I guess the years of having to make “quick and easy” dinners due to school/work/activity schedules hurt all of us more than I realized. And now, I’m striving for a vegetarian diet (for myself) so I’m trying to get them to eat more veggies in various ways and using different recipes. But my knack is definitely GONE. : (

  2. Try bringing your nose back into the kitchen… I’ve learned cuisines from all over the world to feed international students from the nearby United World College, and it’s always my sniffer that guides me best when trying new ones.

  3. this was hysterical – oh so funny – 🙂 and my cookies used to always come out like scones – still edible- but hard and better for dunking…. I finally realized it was all in the butter. so I can make a few decent backed goods.

    anyhow, I have a similar story – when dating my spouse, I recall making “chicken cordon bleu” – and having his folks over for stuffed salmon with parsley salad sides – and cracking open kendall Jackson wine (that “name” was all the rage in vino back then – lol) – to then moving from cooking into the “food preparation” years – as you so humorously wrote about. I do not really have a love for cooking – of any kind – but I do enjoy tasty food – and I actually follow a few food blogs too.

    have a good one. 🙂

    • I meant to ask….how do you mean the butter was the problem? Too much, too little, margarine? I use real butter in everything. I know everyone says it’s bad for you but it has to be better (since it’s natural) than the chemicals used to make up margarine. I love food. I watch what I eat and don’t over-do, but it is something I really enjoy. I need to move to Italy or France or somewhere…I read in an article recently that in both places (I’m sure there are others), they put a lot of emphasis on enjoying one’s food (not being a glutton…but just enjoying the whole experience of a meal).

  4. I enjoyed this! Last night I cooked a new Nigella recipe and it was the most disgusting thing. Bless my husband, he was very careful what to say, he said “Soooo what do you think?” I said “It’s disgusting!” “Thank heavens, I can’t eat it!” and we laughed and chucked it in the bin. He teased me about it all evening. Good grief it was awful!

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