Eat a Banker

A few days ago I was driving along on my merry way when this car in front of me at a red light catches my eye…not because it was a particularly attractive car or because it was getting on my nerves as so many cars do at traffic lights, but because it was covered in a dozen, maybe more, bumper stickers. The driver obviously has an ax to grind because every sticker was addressing the financial crisis that started a few years ago. He (or she) definitely has bank issues. A lot of anti-1% sentiment. Others spewing condemnation at big banks and their blatant thievery.  One in particular really grabbed my attention. It said something along the lines of “give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob everyone.”  You get the drift.

I didn’t really have an opinion on the matter up to this point. If you want your battle to be our financial institutions, go wild. If you want to rail against fracking, be my guest. Making your stand on health care costs? Good for you! As long as it’s not racist, sexist, and any of the other hate-filled “-ist”s I’m not going to get in your way for believing what you want to believe.

This car only got my attention because bumper stickers are very effective at doing what it takes to get read. Big letters, bright colors. Our eyes can’t avoid being sucked in to a good sticker. And this one just had soooo many.  But then, after we read them we may chuckle if it’s witty before promptly erasing it from our memory.

I was on the verge of forgetting this car even existed until I read one of the last bumper stickers. It said “save money, eat a banker.” This one, I could not let roll off so easily. The hyperbole of the message was just so extreme it baffled me, I’ll admit.

Is this what we’ve come to in our protests against big banking?  The suggestion of cannibalism? I’m sure the driver doesn’t mean for the sticker to be taken literally (well, pretty sure anyway). In all likelihood they just got a kick out of it and because they thought it was witty they popped it on the back of their car. But cannibalism as a joke?

That’s sort of a different league then say “save a horse, ride a cowboy” or “honk if you like loud noises.” Those are pretty benign, straightforward, and somewhat goofy. And in the case of “save a horse, ride a cowboy” at least you’d be getting a modicum of fun out of the deal.

I’m not trying to suggest that a certain decorum or taste be applied when one chooses a bumper sticker. I’m not running a car decoration finishing school. It just struck me as odd that the punch line to that particular joke—one that was not about the zombie apocalypse—was to ingest another human being. This is the best that the group who made the sticker could come up with? Cannibalism?

I didn’t stop there with my thinking. Oh no, I kept going. I was riding this freight train of thought to the very end.

I tested the logical reasoning behind the absurd sticker. If someone did eat a banker, would they actually save money? Does the argument hold up? I’ve come to the conclusion that, no, it is not even a valid suggestion. Chances are with how unaccustomed your stomach is for human flesh, you’d end up getting wicked sick and have to go to the hospital to get treated for food poisoning. You’d get your stomach pumped, you’d have to stay overnight for observation, then once they found out you were dining on Barry the Banker you’d probably have to attend therapy if you were lucky enough to avoid getting tossed in prison.

It just doesn’t make sense. Sounds to me like you’d end up spending a ton of money just to get yourself out of such a mess.

And really, say your stomach is fine with human meat. Say that you’ll never get caught and won’t have to go to the hospital. That still begs the question, what kind of wine goes with a banker? Or maybe a glass of brandy would be more preferable? It is a banker after all. The headaches of figuring this bumper sticker out just don’t end. It’s simply a bad idea. How about this one “save your sanity, don’t read bumper stickers.”

14 thoughts on “Eat a Banker

  1. Your train of thought certainly ran to smash argument after argument! A good read for this wet, rainy season our region is currently in. 😀

  2. Ha! Bumper stickers are meant to be taken at face value and not to be analyzed too deeply. I believe you went a little overboard in trying to analyze the sub-text of this one! Very entertaining.

Comments are closed.