We’re Here to Help

So my mother keeps getting calls from Windows.  Now I’m pretty computer savvy and can help her troubleshoot most problems over the phone, but how an “operating system” has her phone number, even I can’t figure out. But somehow, it does, and representatives from said operating system keep calling her. Oh, I know what you’re thinking…but they’re not from Microsoft mind you – they’ll correct you on that – they’re from WINDOWS.  That’s one pretty jazzed up operating system, let me tell you.


A serious revelation came upon the wave of these almost daily calls from Windows, one that I have yet to wrap my head around and which will likely divide the family once word gets out. My mother is apparently breaking the law on a regular basis. My straight as an arrow, staunch supporter of “following the rules,” never tells a lie mother. I always knew she was hiding something. I’m ashamed to admit this to you but I feel that it’s necessary to out my mother for the hardened, albeit secretive, criminal she is (it’s my civic duty after all). Regardless of the shame this will surely bring down on generations to come in the family, I feel it’s important the truth be known.

My mother…my 71-year-old mother…has been sending out illegal signals from her computer!  I know, I know, right!?  It’s awful! And don’t let her innocent face or sweet (*cough cough*) demeanor fool you either. I never have trusted her and I’m not buying into her alibi either. Oh sure your computer’s been off…oh of course a computer can’t send out illegal signals…oh what the hell even are illegal signals and what idiot would believe that…yeah, right! WINDOWS wouldn’t lie!

So. Yeah. There you have it. People with strange accents keep calling my mother claiming to be from Windows and accusing her of sending out illegal signals. Of course they’re happy to fix that problem right up for her so long as she gives them remote access to her computer. Seriously, are people silly enough to fall for this? I mean, I guess they are or these so-called Windows reps wouldn’t keep doing it. I imagine if they failed to get a response from people in general, the scam would lose its appeal and these low-class grifters would move on to something from Column B on their menu of illicit activities.

Now my mother may not be Bill Gates where computers are concerned, but she’s not stupid…far from it. And no matter her experience with computers, she’s wise to the ways of the world. She’s not exactly the type of person to fall for such heavy-handed tactics. Actually, you’d have to be pretty damn smooth to get something past her, which come to think of it, I can’t recall ever happening. It’s sad to think there are people who fall victim to such crimes and lose a great deal when they do.

Depending on her mood when they call, she’ll hang up or tell them off. Of course trying to get to the root of the organization by asking rational questions gets her nowhere as they adamantly insist they are from Windows and provide no other clues – their backstory is pretty uncreative if you ask me.

Personally, I think my mother should just have fun with it – because time is money to these lame-ass crooks on the other end of the phone. They can’t afford to waste time on a fruitless call but then again, they don’t want to let one get away that might possibly be “hooked.” So I say play it coy enough that they believe you, but come up with some outlandish questions and comments so that you might enjoy the exchange at their expense.

For instance, tell them it’s not your computer and you know nothing about computers, but you’d be happy to help them out…you certainly don’t want any illegal signals coming out of your computer box.  Can you just see their eyes lighting up from way over here!?  They’ll probably figure they’ve hit the jackpot.  Ask the guy (or gal) “where’s the on button?”  Which of course should be followed up with: “Well, the screen’s still blank,” when they ask you to move forward to the next step.  Then after he goes thru all of the troubleshooting to get the thing turned on (and it’s not working)…ask him if you should plug it in.  While sitting in the comfort of your living room watching t.v. and drinking a glass of wine (far away from your computer), you could pretend to go through a whole series of missteps that would drive the person nuts. And waste their valuable time.

Or you could always take a completely different tack – tell the scammer you’re just not sure how the illegal signals are getting out of the house given all the foil you have on the windows and around the doors – it certainly put a stop to the aliens’ chatter.



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22 thoughts on “We’re Here to Help

  1. I like the way you think! I’ll use this, and after a couple of rounds of on/off switch, power cable, oops the power strip is off, OK now it’s on, when they refer to the keyboard I’ll say, “I don’t have all of those keys on mine, just zero through nine, plus ‘defrost’, ‘popcorn’, ‘hot dog’, ‘TV dinner’…”

  2. We get them too. I took a call just recently and I strung the girl along by telling her I was switching on, waiting, going through start up, waiting, looking for the screen she wanted, waiting, pretending to be dumb, waiting and then she asked me if I was taking it seriously or wasting HER time. I told her to **** off.

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