I saw the below picture prior to reading the so-called article (which is fake, by the way) and couldn’t help but immediately ask: whose eyeballs!? Are they human? Are they snake eyeballs…or maybe chicken, or what? Then I thought, nooo, they have to be glass eyeballs – like maybe the guy worked at a marble factory or something and the writer meant those nifty cat-eye shooters or perhaps he works for a medical office and couldn’t resist the pretty little glass eyes that would look oh-so-perfect in his creepy little home-made dolls that somehow look just like his old school chums – because no one in their right mind would do something as crazy as stuff real flesh and blood eyeballs into his anal cavity, right? Right!? Come on, work with me here people.
I had no doubt that IF such a thing were true, copious amounts of alcohol would somehow be involved (it sort of goes without saying), so it would truly be anyone’s guess as to the origins of said eyeballs. And really…does it even matter? That was the crux of the rapid-fire internal discourse that bounced wildly around in my head. Oh yes, I know it may seem like it would be worse if they were in fact human eyeballs and certainly no-one, least of all me, wants to contemplate the idea that there may be a serial killer out in the world who steals eyeballs to use as anal beads – which sounds like a great plot for a gruesome B-horror movie if you ask me. But seriously, if you have the mindset to stuff eyeballs of any sort into your anal cavity to begin with, isn’t one eyeball as good bad as another?
As it happens, they were bovine eyeballs. But that’s really inconsequential in my mind. It’s the act that fascinates me most of all. I mean, who wakes up and thinks: “When I go to work today, I’m going to steal eyeballs, and I’m not just going to walk out of there with those lovely orbs in a bag or jar, or even my lunch pail, oh no…that’s for amateurs. Pfft. I’m going to stuff those babies right up my you-know-what because I’m nothing if not fully committed to this endeavor.” As it turns out, thankfully, no-one. At least no-one who has been caught red…ummm…handed. As I stated from the beginning, the article was fake, but still, it made for an interesting little debate in my head as to what constitutes acceptable eyeballs for anal stuffing. And isn’t that what all good journalists should do? Make their audience think!?