Parenting in the New Age vs My Age

Recently, I was reading a parenting article by a fellow mom.  I refer to her generation of parents as “New Age Mothers.” She’s a bit newer to the whole parenting thing than I am; she has toddlers and young children whereas mine have somehow survived and become productive members of society despite this mother’s misgivings about my parenting style.

This writer mom (who shall forever in my mind be called New Age Mom) describes what she terms “Helicopter Parenting.”  If this is a new phrase to you, I’ll paraphrase it to “Overparenting.”  In her series of articles, she makes the case for what she considers hands-off parenting in a variety of baffling ways.  In one entry, she mocks the mom who stays with her child at the playground and makes sure her spawn doesn’t plummet to her earthly demise from the top of a set of monkey bars. Or *gasp* the mother who chooses to actually play with her children while at the playground.

New Age Mom also judges the perplexed mother who is watching the Abandoned Children of the Playground nervously, trying to make sure they are all safe as they dangle from the roof of the nearby outhouse.  Her commentary on these mothers is both depressing and confusing. Why? Because this is the same New Age Mom who will claim it takes a village to raise a child, among other things…not to mention her harsh judgement against a fellow Mom for another…all while criticizing those who dare to judge her parenting technique. The irony of all this seems to be lost on her.

You see, New Age Mom doesn’t go to the park to play. She has no interest in helping her kids with the “they’re not quite ready for that” tasks or involving herself in games. New Age Mom considers this hovering and relentlessly judges those parents who choose to do it. Personally, I think she’s missing out on a prime opportunity to simply enjoy her kids…you know, those cute little creatures that only stay little for so long.

I was a mother who put the “play” in playground.  I took my kids to the park and not only encouraged them to play with other kids, but also —*big gasp*— played with them myself.  I taught them new tricks and games.  I taught them the valuable lessons learned from climbing the monkey bars that seemed too high, waiting in line for the best slide in the park, and sharing with other kids.  We got to blow off steam in a place with no hard and fast rules.  Most importantly, though, I shared quality time with them. This was a time when we could just enjoy each other, have fun with each other laughing and being crazy, and a time when I could set aside the pressures I faced through the years as both a stay at home mom and a working mom and just be a big kid myself.

It was also a learning time for me; I learned that my kids were caring and fun little people, and more importantly, that the aluminum slides get very, VERY hot in the summer.  I also learned that getting stuck halfway down the slide is embarrassing, but being a plate of scalding metal as it was, you figured out a way to get down pretty darned quick.  These moments were not a chore to me, they are treasured memories for my family. And yes, it was a learning experience for my kids too. They learned that unless we needed to call an ambulance or rush to the hospital, it was possible to shake off skinned knees or elbows and get on with the day.

New Age Mom also wrote that she dislikes Chuck E Cheese’s because she can’t just relax.  She worries that her child will run off, get into trouble, burn the place to the ground and cause World War III.  This is a confusing juxtaposition for me; didn’t she just say she appreciates moms who let their kids run free at the playground?  Chuck E Cheese’s is one of the few places where it is nearly impossible to truly lose your child.  I admire the place’s security checks and open design that allow kids to just have fun and moms to take a breather for a few short hours. It’s a place where kids can just have fun with very few, if any, “no’s.” For a parent who dislikes “hovering” so much, you’d think New Age Mom would be on board for that.

New Age Mom laments the quality of food at Chuck’s, but you know what? Sometimes you just have to eat the bad pizza to truly let your kid be a kid.  However, and I’m just guessing here, but I bet this same blogger mom probably runs to McDonald’s for a quick snack sometimes, and honestly, there is nothing wrong with that in moderation.  I’ve been known to do it *ahem* a time or two.  But if you’re going strictly by quality and taste, I’m not sure which is worse better: McDonald’s or Chuck E Cheese.

The New Age Mom is also worried that Chuck’s has germs.  Seriously.  I wonder how she copes with the copious number of germs in the doctor’s office, breeding all over those toys her kids are currently playing with?  Does she know how many times her kids share straws with sick kids at the daycare center or grab toys from other kids’ snot filled little fingers? Or even the bacteria filled dirt they’re eating at the park where they’re running free? The fact is, you can’t keep them in a bubble.  Germs exist.  It is a proven fact that the more kids are exposed to germs, the more resistance they build against them.  We were never meant to live in a sterile environment.  I’m glad, really, because what fun is bubble life, anyway?

The New Age Mother in question also dislikes taking her kids to non-parent homes for get-togethers. Yeah, I know. She has a list. Anyway, apparently, she feels that her kids would destroy the house, starve to death as picky eaters, poison the water well for the community, stain every cloth surface in reach, and execute the homeowner’s fish.  Her own home is a safe-ground because it is appropriately child proofed and suitably stained and messy, I suppose. Actually, I don’t have to suppose or guess…she went into great detail about just how stained and messy her house was because well, she has kids.  I won’t even get into that today.

I can’t imagine parents not taking their children somewhere because it is simply too much trouble to keep track of them. In fact, some parents even teach their children to behave in social situations.  Honest fact! I swear.

Back in the day, we packed appropriately for the visit, with a bag full of our kids’ favorite toys to occupy them.  We packed snacks just in case they didn’t like the food served, and encouraged them to try the food anyway.  I don’t think I’ve ever met a kid who was NOT a “picky eater.”

It’s not like our childless friends had no idea what to expect from a visit with children involved.  I mean, they knew what kids were – they’d read about them in books at least. They were well aware of how kids acted, pretty much at any rate, and wanted us to visit anyway. Friends. God love ‘em. They didn’t break out the rare 18th century bone china from a remote village in Taiwan or fill every bathtub with water and “play here” signs before we came over, but neither did they expect our kids to daintily lay their napkins across their laps and eat the offerings served up by Chef Gervais, who was standing in the kitchen nervously awaiting my toddler’s approval.

I considered every social event a learning experience.  If we were at a restaurant, grocery store or friend’s house, my kids learned how to act.  We taught our kids from an early age that you behave a certain way in certain places and they “got it.” I’m not sure where we lost that. I took my kids to childless friends’ houses, to nice restaurants, and anywhere else and they behaved. They were taught that, they didn’t learn it by osmosis. They weren’t screaming, running around breaking things, and being soulless demons (at least not outwardly soulless demons). They knew better and they behaved. Even as toddlers.  If there was the start of a tantrum, I cut it off early and walked out from wherever I was to take care of it and then returned — if it couldn’t be calmed down, then we left and bedtime likely came early that evening in retaliation.

Kids are not stupid. They learn quickly. As parents, it’s our job to teach them. Keeping them from social situations or out of other people’s houses because we’re too lazy to teach them to behave better? To the New Age Mom, I have one question. When did we stop being parents? When did parenting become a hands-off occupation (and no, I don’t mean spare the rod and spoil the child – I mean simply, doing our job)?

Parenting is not easy. It’s not always fun. It’s a tough thing to do, probably the toughest thing you will ever do – IF you’re doing it right. Could it be that some of the New Age Mothering techniques are less of a style and more convenience factors?

I’ve raised two kids. Not as many as some and perhaps one more than others. But suffice it to say, I’m not a newbie and I’ve been through it all…with my sanity mostly intact, I’m glad to say. Parenting is one of the most rewarding things anyone can do, but it’s not supposed to be easy. If it is, you’re doing it wrong.

15 thoughts on “Parenting in the New Age vs My Age

  1. And then there’s the “Aged Old Single-Dad”. I was a freak of nature — shuffling to the back of the room on parents’ night at my kid’s school, shying away from the cliques of young mothers when I took my kid’s to the playground, feeling myself an object of curiosity and pity for the moms who were fully engaged and seemingly very skilled and collaborative in their role. That’s because I didn’t have a peer group. In my world, in the 90s, men didn’t raise their children by themselves. I beg to differ. My kid’s and I somehow survived as well, and they are successful adults in their 30s now. To this day I will not get credit for that ~10 year adventure that I am most proud of, rather, I am looked upon as if I must be a narcissist or some other type of abuser to have somehow gotten custody of my kids, as moms just don’t walk away on their own. Sad but true. If it cannot be explained away, something must be amiss.

    • I spoke about mothers because the series of articles I had read were written by moms. But you’re right of course, single dads deserve to be lauded just as much as moms. Back in the day it wasn’t as common to see a single dad (unless he was a widower) as it is now. I’m glad to say some things change for the better in how we view things like this. And single parents of either gender have it a bit tougher than a couple I think. There is less of a support network and (usually) less financial stability among other difficulties. To be certain, it’s all worthwhile in the end!

    • Congrats, Tim! I also ended up a single Dad with three kids for about ten years. It wouldn’t have been my first choice, but I wasn’t given a choice to begin with. Moms do walk out on their kids. None of them starved, none of them had any life-threatening illnesses caused by my housekeeping or cooking, none of them are permanently scarred, physically or otherwise. It’s good to see our society getting a little bit more open to realizing that single Dads exist, and they can do a damn fine job of it!

  2. OMG! you took your kids to Mickey Dees? should we send you to time out? Nah, you’ probably want to go there for the peace and quiet.

    • The New Age Mom? Oh yes. I just came across a series of articles and they’re all contradictory in the advice they give and stance they take. And the list of things she or they (I assume it’s one author, but I could be wrong) won’t do for or with their kids is quite long. It’s quite impressive actually. The one thing that is consistent throughout is the “how dare you judge other mothers” mentality but I guess that doesn’t apply to her/them because they’re nothing if not judgemental (I wrote a separate blog entry on that issue…I’ll post it soon).

  3. Well said! “Kids are not stupid!” If you’re a helicopter parent and you think your kid can’t see that and figure out a way to manipulate you when it’s to their advantage and escape your surveillance when they need to, then you’re the one who’s a few sandwiches shy of a picnic basket.

    The germ thing also kills me. My parents (and grandparents, and on and on) grew up on farms, surrounded by bodily fluids and substances from multiple species. The modern day germaphobe would be apoplectic in minutes in that environment, yet Grandpa seemed to endure it just fine for about 85 years…

    Finally, when you talk about getting stuck on a red hot slide, I can hear that sticky, stuttering, windshield-wiper like sound that you get as you try to keep moving as friction battles gravity. That’s where we guys had the advantage – hairy legs don’t stick as well!

    • I tell you what, kids can figure out a way to manipulate the best of us regardless of our parenting technique. They will latch onto whatever it is that you do (or don’t do) and use it to their advantage. And yeah, those slides are a pain in the you know what…they don’t make metal slides anymore. At least not that I’ve seen. They’re all plastic now. *sigh* I will have to write an entry soon about waxing those metal slides as I have a great story about that — did you ever do that? You go down a few or several or many, many times with wax paper and make them slick as hell. Now THAT was fun! And dangerous. But mostly fun.

      • I never heard of the wax paper trick on metal slides! It makes sense, sort of a budget way of doing a reverse-ski waxing job.

        Now I’ve got to go find a metal slide.

  4. I love playing with my daughter in playgrounds and we have brought her *everywhere* with us since she was a tiny baby -out to dinner, social gatherings etc. She always ‘behaves’ herself. Too many ‘nos’ lead to rebellion! Great blog.

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