I was waiting for my daughter to finish with her tutor yesterday at the library, and having already chosen the books I was taking home, I got a little bored. So, I decided to amuse myself.
- I grabbed a thick atlas off the Geography shelf and slammed it open at a table full of people. I pored over one page with a magnifying glass while mumbling “There it is! The biggest treasure in history, just like Grandpa told me, right here on page 98! He was right; I’m rich!” Then, I slammed the book shut and put it back on the shelf full of atlases.
- I went to the Wildlife section and made bird calls from behind the shelf any time anyone came over. My repertoire is quite impressive I’ll have you know.
- I chose one person and followed him all around the library. Hiding behind the shelves, I kept popping my head out and whispering, “I see you.”
- I found a book about time travel, then waited for people to come down the aisle before rifling through the pages and muttering angrily, “If only they knew. I could have saved them all.”
- Strolled up to the librarian and announced, “I’ll have a Big Mac, small fries, and a diet Coke.” She was not amused.
- I walked out of the bathroom with a thick book and said, “Geesh, I wouldn’t go in there for a while.”
- I brandished a genealogy book over my head, screaming, “I knew it! Bow down before me!”
- I read a comic book and kept spewing a running commentary of the entire thing. “Don’t go in there, Batman! Don’t do it! Oh, snap, he went in! Look out!”
- Grabbed a book on dream interpretation and thumbed through it, feverishly mumbling “Giant mutant flying cannibalistic panda bears…”
- Paged through a cookbook while sitting at a crowded table, whispering, “Where IS that kitten stew recipe?”
- Pretended to have a heart attack in front of the CPR manuals. No-one noticed.
- Built a fort out of books about forts. The brilliance of this was lost on the security guards. They have no appreciation for genius.
They say I can be allowed back in the library by 2018, with adult supervision. No fair if you ask me.