Personal Shopper

So, I was at a grocery store in my old stomping grounds the other day – it should be noted that said stomping grounds are not much higher in the suburban hierarchy than the rural area where I currently reside. But apparently they a have a bolder dating pool.

Now, normally, bulletin boards at the grocery store tend to advertise pretty benign services. Dog walking. Child care. Art workshops. Yoga classes. You know, typical fare for shoppers with bags teeming with fresh fruit and dinner fixings.

Or so I thought.

When I was leaving the store I saw this gem of a posting on the board.



At first I was a little taken aback, but after really studying Eric’s honest attempt at finding a real connection with someone, it’s really not that bad. Humor me for a minute here, folks.

He makes it pretty obvious that nutrition is important to him. That’s nice. He gives options on how to reach him in case a phone call right off the bat is too personal. Nice again. He gets right to the point and doesn’t brag about himself. Okay. Best of all? No picture of him shirtless that I didn’t ask to see in the first place. Thank God.

By and large, this index card is better than what I currently see when I dip my toe into online dating. But, let me be clear, it’s not THAT much better. It’s still weird. Trust me, that hasn’t escaped my attention. His random use of capitalized letters is off-putting. The handwriting that looks like it was scribbled by a 5-year-old is odd. And I don’t even know what to think about the smiley face and “oil too” because for the life of me I don’t know what that means! Not only is it incomplete sentence structure, but I don’t think I even want to know the underlying implication.

So, don’t worry, I will not be getting in touch with this fine gentleman. But perhaps some “sexy woman” will. And if so, I hope they hit it off. Or at the very least that she returns home safely.

15 thoughts on “Personal Shopper

  1. OMG! he may be a millionaire with a bad heart. ya never know. and I’d post a pic of me shirtless but there may be little kids, old ladies and priest running around WP and that sorta thing just doesn’t fly around on these God fearing, family oriented web sites like this. we don’t wanna scare no one.

    but hey, let’s get back to this guy who’s a millionaire with a bad heart …

  2. Aw, I kinda liked it! There are a many super-hot men in hands-on services that are wary of the Internet. And hey, that index card is way better than a listing on Craigslist.

  3. I have questions.
    Do oil & honey mix, unlike oil & vinegar?
    What kind of oil? Seems a little non-specific. Is he looking for help changing the oil on his tractor or 1961 Chevy II wagon? Is he into rubbing cooking oil all over you, or much more likely, having you rub it all over him? On the first date? What if he’s into rubbing 10W40 Synthetic all over you? Or him?
    Maybe you rub the oil on and THEN the honey so the honey doesn’t stick so badly?
    Where’s he getting the honey? OH MY GOD, he’s got bees! He thinks he’s the King of the Bees! He stands out there in the fields among the hives, naked, covered in oil and the bees come and cover him and worship him and he wants you to join him in his Cult of the Bees where together you shall rule…
    OK, reality check. I might have gotten carried away a bit with the last one. It’s tough to be King of the Bees when your handwriting is at a kindergarten level.
    As you said, I hope his special sexy lady gets home safe. Or at least that the store video has a decent image of who it was who tacked the card up there.

  4. Um, his way of looking for a “sexy woman” really means sex with a woman … And the honey and oil is what he’s into being spread over bodies. Sounds like a horn dog to me! Bleh.

    • Yeah, I was trying not to have that image in my head. In my mind, Eric looks like Cricket from Always Sunny (and not the first appearance in Season 2 Cricket, more like late Season 4 Cricket). Not sure why, I’m sure Eric is perfectly nice, but there you go. LOL 😀

Comments are closed.