Earthquakes abound. Hurricanes are wreaking havoc and leaving trails of death and destruction in their wakes. There is rioting and looting in major cities, insane dictators launching nuclear missiles, flooding and famine throughout the world and people who still like the Steelers.
But nothing going on in this world today compares to the awesome destructiveness of Crayola’s newest color unveiling, Bluetiful.
Yes, this may be the most important subject and timely topic we can be divided over, hands down.
You see, Crayola has upset the space-time continuum by daring to name its own product. After a naming contest for its newest color creation in the blue family, the winning name was Bluetiful.
Immediate outrage ensued and predictably, a boycott was threatened. How dare this company name its own product? Don’t they know that millions of children rely on crayons to learn colors and spelling and vocabulary? It is no longer the responsibility of parents, or even teachers, to teach children that any shade of red is still red or that any nuance of blue is, in fact, still blue. And that they’re spelled r-e-d and b-l-u-e. Darn you, Crayola! How dare you, the most popular art supplier of colored drawing implements in the world, neglect your duty of teaching our children?
What’s next? Now that this insult is in place, will I be expected to teach my own children other things as well? Perish the thought! Kindergarten teachers everywhere are in a tailspin. They cannot be relied upon to teach our children colors! Only you, Crayola, could accomplish this feat. And you, Crayola, YOU just let us down!
I’m not sure I can continue to use my adult coloring books any longer. Yes, yes, I still play with crayons. But more important, the confusion of naming crayons something other than their original color is just too great for me to handle. What if I picked up the wrong blue and used it? Gasp! I mean, it could ruin a perfectly good drawing of Starry Night or Rainbow Dash. I simply cannot be held responsible for my refrigerator art if Crayola continues to confound me this way.
The majority of people who chose the clever name of Bluetiful in the contest obviously have no respect for the role that Crayola plays in tutoring our children. I suppose next I will have to teach my child manners? Crayola should do that as well; Please Pink and Thank You Turquoise, for instance. Yes Sir Yellow? The possibilities are endless. Crayola is falling behind the times here, and we are forced to teach our own children. It is an outrage, an outrage I tell you.
Apparently, Crayola is only confusing us on a limited basis, since they discontinued my favorite color, Dandelion to make room for the mixed-up-not-a-real-word Bluetiful. If you are going to baffle our children, Crayola should keep Dandelion and just add Bluetiful as an extra. I was just getting used to Dandelion, and had finally begun to accept that Dandelion was a shade of yellow after twenty-some years of confusion. And now, this?
A purple pox on you, Crayola, you destroyer of Denim Blue dreams! Our Eggplant egos have been dashed to the ground, and trampled on by your Salmon sandals. I can only hope that, together globally, we will overcome this Indigo insult.
Until we do, my friends, stay strong and Bluetiful.