Drinkle Balls, Drinkle Balls, Drinkle All the Way

You know, the holidays will be here before we know it. In my neighborhood there are already Christmas lights up on houses and throughout the town, in shop windows and on street lamps (gotta love that small town quaintness) — some were in place even before Thanksgiving. The residents here, as in many areas, are really into their decorations. I guess, I can’t blame them. In one way or another, Christmas has been celebrated for about 2,000 years — and decorations, both indoor and out, are a big part of that, always have been — at least in recent eras. This year, a distiller in London has figured out how to merge the special magic of a Christmas tree with the possible unbridled consumption of “Christmas Cheer.” I found out about this while looking for articles on ideas for spooky pumpkin faces. Go figure.

For about $40, depending on the exchange rate, you can buy a six-pack of clear plastic orbs with screw-off tops that are designed to be hung on a Christmas tree. Each one contains a little over 1.6 ounces (a large shot) of England’s Lakes Distillers premium whiskey. For about $24, you can buy a “mega” ornament that contains almost 5 ounces of Christmas Cheer!  Have they offered these before? If so, why wasn’t I informed!?

click the pic to find out more about these nifty decorations

When I found out that you could also buy these ornaments filled with gin, vodka, or rum, visions of alcohol soaked sugarplums danced in my head. Coupled with my discovery of the fact that whiskey Advent Calendars are also a thing (I mean, seriously where have I been??), I realized there was now a way to become gloriously semi-conscious throughout the season.

I mean, honestly, how cool is this!? Click the picture to read the article.

Being somewhat analytical by nature, I decided to look at the pros and cons of festooning my tree with these ornaments, and the role of an alcohol laden Advent Calendar in the house.

PROS:

  • The unique molecular construction of ethanol (alcohol) will diffuse the light from the tree lights, casting a warm glow of hospitality throughout the room. Yay science!
  • Deciding to hang booze on your tree will impress your friends. My friends, at least.
  • If you are close to losing your mind from watching Burl Ives narrate the Rudolph cartoon for the 19th time, you can lean over and casually pop open an ornament.
  • When you find yourself getting sucked into a political argument with a relative, toss an ornament to them and say, “Hey, Uncle Fred! Put this in your pie hole.” He will thank you and soon forget just what he was carrying on about. Or in the alternative, you can drink one or two or three, and soon not care a hoot about Uncle Fred and his conspiracy theories.
  • These are great for tree-trimming parties. Just be sure your neighbors know the ground rules: “The Drinkable Balls are for the tree, the eggnog is for the guests.”
  • The orbs are reusable. Save the empties until next year. Or hell, refill them throughout the current year. Recycling at its best!
  • The reward aspect of the whiskey Advent Calendar will help to motivate you to get to December 25th by giving you a reason to wake up each day. Oh, don’t roll your eyes at me…we all know how crazy the holidays can be, especially if you have a large, contentious family visiting for the season. Of course, you have to pace yourself…you don’t want to run out by December 2nd. Not saying I would…but, well, you just never know.

CONS:

  • The Drinkle Balls must be placed near the top of the tree to keep tiny hands from trying to find out why these ornaments are so special. Of course, I don’t have that problem any more since my kids are older, so…yay me!
  • Studies have shown that households with high levels of stress usually consume all the balls within two days of being put on the tree. Don’t look at me. They’re not talking about me. Are they? No, no, I mean, no, of course not.
  • Set ground rules for visitors. “My tree is NOT an open bar!” should be your ongoing mantra.
  • Drinkle Balls are filled with whiskey. Whiskey is ethanol. Ethanol can also be used as rocket fuel. It’s okay if you don’t believe me. I swear I read it somewhere but for the life of me, I can’t remember where. But I do know (common sense, people!) that a Drinkle Ball placed too close to hot Christmas tree lights could cause the whiskey to heat and explode, turning your Christmas Tree into a Saturn V rocket launch.
  • On the other hand, the whiskey themed Advent Calendars need to have a time lock to prevent doors from being opened before the date arrives. It would be a real downer to see that you’ve already used the whiskey shots up to 12/24, and it’s only 12/10. Again, not saying I would do that, but…oh, who am I kidding? I would so do that.

What the heck, I think I’m going to get some Drinkle Balls this year.  I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen?

14 thoughts on “Drinkle Balls, Drinkle Balls, Drinkle All the Way

  1. What WOULD we do without you to lead us to the light? The amber, warm, diffused light in this case? I was briefly worried about the flammability aspect, but then I realized how quickly the ornaments would be emptied…

    Now that Advent calendar, THERE’s an idea whose time has come!

  2. Huh! Your “drinkle balls, drinkle balls, drinkle balls all the way” title reminds me of a humorous incident when I was attending a seminar in the USA back in 1999.

    During a break we some how got on to talking about Christmas. I mentioned that many of yhe carols we sang were really out of place in New Zealand, and I mentioned “Jungle bells” as an example. I got a sea of blank and confused faces in response. Thinking perhaps they didn’t know where NZ is, I explained that as it’s in the southern hemisphere, Christmas occurs in summer.

    There were a few “really?” Comments, but it was clear that everyone was still confused. So I explained than sleighs are not very practical in the height of summer. Confusion.

    Then someone said that she’d never heard of the song, so could I sing it. I can’t sing even if my life depends on it, so after apologising for for the tune I was about to muder, I started out with the first line of Jungle Bells.

    Someone blurted out “Oh he means ‘Jingle Bells’!”. It turned out that in my Kiwi accent “Jingle Bells” sounded like “Jungle Bills”. No wonder they were confused 😃

  3. there’s no downsides. no cons. you empty and then refill. you can keep the tree up all year and declare it to be a …

    New Years Eve tree
    Dr. King’s tree
    President’s Day tree
    Valentines Day tree
    St. Patrick’s day tree
    Tax Day tree (you may need to refill quite.a few times for that)
    May Day tree
    Just Because It’s June tree
    4th of July tree
    Back to School Celebration tree
    Labor Day tree
    Columbas Day or Whatever It’s Called Now tree
    Halloween tree
    Veterans Day tree
    Thanksgiving tree
    Winter Solstice tree
    Christmas tree

    and then repeat the cycle. think outside the box and broaden your horizons. 🙂

  4. I just found out that hiding a pickle ornament on your tree and offering some sort of prize to the person who finds the pickle is an actual thing and has been for a while.
    So why not drinkable alcohol balls? Booze advent calendars?

  5. LOL, I never got past the headline before I was laughing hard… so I I had to pull myself together (try a few tears) to read your text, and I thing you just made my day… I’m literally sitting here drying tears as I write this, I’ve laughed so much…

    You crack me up!

    And your “my tree is NOT an open bar” … dang I think I NEED some of those drinkle balls 😉

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