I wish I could say that the below graphic is from a funny site or a tongue-in-cheek book on cults or even a dark arts list from bygone days where exorcisms and wooden stakes were handed out willy-nilly. But no, it’s from a modern-day group of demonologists – led by an “end times” pastor. I had hoped that the site would still prove satirical, but I have yet to find any proof of that. Instead, it appears to be on the up and up. For whatever that’s worth. Which is both scary and sad. I’m hoping someone proves me wrong by finding the small print I have overlooked…you know, that teeny-tiny legal disclaimer stating the site is “for entertainment purposes only.” Trust me, pointing out my mistake in this instance would make me feel better all around. As it is, I can only take this list and the site itself at face value. Oh, did I mention the “end times” pastor in question also writes books? Yeah, apparently, he does, along with marketing videos and podcasts as well. Go figure.
Not content with your everyday demons, this particular end times pastor also delves into the mayhem that aliens and fairies spread far and wide…specifically their predilection for giving food to unwary travelers in an attempt to swoop them away. I know, I know, I shouldn’t make fun. Fairy kidnappings are not a thing to mock. My friend’s cousin’s wife’s brother-in-law’s neighbor was taken by a fairy back in 1973 and they haven’t heard from him since. It was horrible. The family never recovered. Or so I heard from my friend’s cousin thrice-removed.
Nothing if not versatile, the good pastor also advises and counsels people for mental illness and developmental disabilities of all kinds – but only in so far as he believes these poor souls to be possessed by demons. According to him, from what I’ve read on his site that is, all manner of illness or variation from the so-called norm (whatever the hell that is) – from anxiety to depression to autism to dissociative identity disorder, are part and parcel of demonic possession. He helps his followers by somehow expelling said demons and abracadabra, they’re cured of whatever ails them. I’m telling you, this guy must be really fun at parties.
Oh! Did I mention fallen angels? Yeah, there’s fallen angels we have to watch out for too, besides Satan, that is. Of course there are. They’re different from demons you know. Obviously. I’m not sure why these end times people aren’t spending their time and energy on praying for Satan and any other fallen angel…I mean, if anyone out there needs prayers of salvation and a bit of simple humanity, it’s Satan and his merry band of fallen angels.
Now, I’m not one to question another person’s faith. Everyone faces the world and whatever might lay beyond it in their own way. If that’s through organized religion or howling at the moon, to each their own and I wish them well, truly. But it’s this kind of thing that I just can’t respect or get behind. Trading on fears and cult mentality is always, at its center, for the benefit of the so-called leader…not those who follow. As it just so happens, this pastor also wrote a book back in the day on starting your own business. Wonder if it includes a step-by-step guide on how to become a door-to-door exorcism salesman? I might want to get in on that gig. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I hear my evil “mom look,” the one I would give my kids when they were doing something wrong in public (but were too far away to grab) struck fear in everyone within viewing distance, not just my kids. So, I think I could work some good old-fashioned discipline on a pesky ol’ demon. As Scrappy would say, “let me at ‘em! Let me at ‘em!”
Not to mention, that according to this list, I’ve just accrued a myriad of new reasons as to why I’m going to hell. As if I needed more reasons. Sure, just pile on, why not? But hey, it’s clear now that the demons have hold of me (my ex would say he’s known that the whole time) — my brimstone-heated road to hell is not my fault. It was paved by yoga and Harry Potter and *cough* Twilight (shhh, that one’s a secret) and goodness (badness?) knows what else. So at least there’s that.
I have questions…
“Trilatereralism” – is it okay if I’m “bi” but not “tri?”
“Remote viewing” – what, I’m supposed to get up and walk over to the TV to change the channel?
“Wicca” – what’s he got against casual, woven patio furniture?
“Goth culture” – are we talking moody & dressing all in black or are we talking about sacking Rome?
“XTC” – “Oranges & Lemons” was a GREAT album!
“Backmasking” – WTF is backmasking? *googles* What do you mean I’m dead?
“LOTR” – “One does not simply walk into Satan’s Spiritual Structure” – Boromir
“Fornication” – well, that explains why he’s so up tight
“Levitation” – wait, that’s an option? Can I combine it with “fornication?”
Now here I thought the one you’d have a problem with is lycanthropy. You know, after that whole full moon on the moors of Yorkshire incident you had on that backpacking trip back in 1981.
Meet you at Trader Vic’s for a pina colada?
Well, duh, of course! 😀
Your hair will be…perfect!
I don’t know about that but I’d sure like to meet your tailor.
I have to say that I agree with the inclusion of Freemasonry!
Okay, I may regret asking this, but…why? 😀
I don’t approve of Secret Societies!
So very, very, very, creepy. Did he include himself? That’s the creepiest of all. The Twilight films? Really? oMG
I know, I shouldn’t admit that I watch them, I mean, who on earth likes Twilight? I should be ashame….ohhhh, you mean it being on the going to hell list…?? I know, right!?
I think the question is, do you really want to go to heaven where people like this guy are going to be? Or in hell, having a blast and watching Lord of the Rings
Woman after my own heart. I knew I liked you. 😀
it makes a lot more sense
I didn’t see swearing on that list …. And thankfully worshipping cats isn’t there either. Oh wait, I forgot, I don’t give 2 f*cks what kookamongas like this have to say!
I’m with you! 😀
I think this is so crazy and he must be possessed or bitten by a vampire or bat. Why alienate Everyone!!
Those veggie cyber punks and their evil yoga! It sounds like anything that really very very small minded people can’t immediately understand, must be evil.