Yesterday. Whew. What a long day, for all of us.
Dad had the biopsy on his lungs yesterday. To say I was nervous and afraid is an understatement.
I decided to tag along to keep you company. You’re my mom, but you’re so much more. My friend, my confidant, my rock. And dad? He has always, always been there for me, no matter what. So of course, I was going to be there for him.
While thinking of you both last night, after all was said and done, I took a moment to reflect on the differences that separate us, and also those that connect us, as they do in any family. Politics? Please. Social issues? Ugh, no way. I have no doubt that you feel the same. I mean, I got my attitude from somewhere, right? Yet, through it all, I love you. More than you will ever know. You’ve done so much over the years for me; I want to be there for you like you are always there for me.
This is not to toot my horn, so to speak. Instead, it’s meant to offer up a heartfelt apology.
Yeah, I choked. Sure, I’m great at the lighthearted stuff. I can gossip about the mailman and tell terrible jokes with the best of them in an attempt – perhaps, a misguided attempt – to keep your mind off things. I can distract you from the bigger picture, if only for a little while, with any number of sarcastic and witty (in my own eyes, at least) observances. I can get super-charged and angry on your behalf; whether it’s at people or situations, I’ll gladly take it on to save you the stress or heartache. But the serious stuff? I’m at a loss.
They never taught this stuff in school.
Mom and dad, I wanted to say the right things. I wanted to do the right things, to offer comfort, hope, and a bit of light in the darkness. I just am so ridiculously backwards and awkward in serious situations that I don’t know what to say or do. It’s almost funny. Except, it’s not.
I’m sorry I’m not good at small talk or knowing what to say in a painful, frighteningly serious situation. And I was scared. Just like you were. I’m sorry I’m not better at comforting you; I truly wish I knew how.
I hope you both know that I love you more than anything in this world. I will always be there for you, no matter how awkward or backward I may be at the reassurances and encouragements and comforting phrases.
My heart feels it, oh boy does my heart feel it; if only my mouth could say it.