I may have mentioned a few days ago that my life was crazy right now. I’ll be sharing the gossip on that soon. I promise. In the meantime, I thought you’d be interested in the latest derailment fiery crash of the mental machinery that is my train of useless thought.
So, I was browsing the shelves at my local Hallmark (they’re not just for movies!) when I ran in to this little gem:
Now I have nothing against the bottle, it is a very pretty bottle (with a strong, positive quote, might I add) designed to hold…well, hydrating items. Call me old-fashioned or low-class, but to me, this is a simply a high-falutin’ Water Bottle. Let’s take a look at the evolution from water bottle to hydration bottle, shall we?
First, other liquids realized they were getting the short end of the stick in the capitalism game that retailers everywhere know – and play – so well. Gatorade led the battle for change, crying “Gatorade is liquid, too!” Kool-Aid quickly joined in, followed by fruit juices. There were protests in grocery stores across the nation and even a riot or two in Aisle 5 which leaked over into Aisle 4 and part of Aisle 6. Sadly, these protests were ineffective because the liquids had no containers and the protesters were quickly mopped up.
Now, things got a little sticky, in every sense of the word. Soup demanded to be included, which sparked even more debate and controversy. But is soup truly a liquid? Where does this leave chicken noodle soups, or stew? Gatorade and Kool-Aid fought back viciously. The gutters flowed with noodles during the Chicken Noodle War of 2018, now thought to be the worst soup war in history. Many valiant chicken chunks were lost to the cause.
The bottle itself, striving for peace and equality, struggled to make its voice heard. In many poignant interviews, the bottle pled to be called a liquid container. This, in turn, caused the soups to become agitated yet again as they tried to find their place in the world.
Finally, Congress, in all of their infinite wisdom, passed a law to exclude soup from being contained in the bottle, stating that only hydrating products qualified. The point was made that soup has its own exclusive container called a “thermos.” Soup is taking this decision to the Supreme Court citing that coffee, while a liquid, also gets to be contained in thermoses. I must say, they do have a point.
While awaiting a Supreme Court decision, the bottle has been relabeled a Hydration Bottle. The products allowed to be contained in this bottle are not clearly defined; therefore, it’s anyone’s game. Or container, if you will.
Gatorade is calling this a clear victory in liquid rights for juices, vitamin water, and electrolytes everywhere. Soup cannot be reached for comment, although more protests are scheduled in the future. We’re not sure where alcohol stands, because well, alcohol isn’t usually standing for anything for any length of time.
When you are drinking your hydration product from your Hydration Bottle, let us never forget the electrolytes and fruit juices who spilled…well, themselves…to secure the right to be contained in them.