So, What Do You Like To Do?

So, I will admit that I have been dipping my toe once again into the online dating world (don’t judge). After a dismal first attempt a while back, I thought, what the hell? I’m a glutton for punishment, might as well give it another whirl.

Well, I have learned so much about the new face of dating, and I have to say that I miss the “good old days.”  To say that things have changed just a bit is a massive understatement. However, I’m remaining hopeful that my dream guy will come along.  He’d better hurry up, though, before I join the convent and swear off guys forever. Why this harsh stance, you ask? Let me explain.

It seems that the new trend in “dating” has nothing to do with dating, exactly, and involves getting right to the point … if you get my point. Long gone are the days of sharing life stories, getting to know one another, moving slowly to the finish line.  More often than not, the first messages sent by a potential match pretty much sum up everything you need to know about them, and what you need to know, apparently, is the not-so-subtle art of “sexting.”

In my experiences so far with online matchmaking, I have found that “long walks on the beach and reading a book by firelight” is no longer the right answer to the question, “So, what do you like to do?”  Quite frankly, it’s hard to know what to expect; there is such a fine line between “oh, you know, normal stuff” and “well, I don’t want to get in to specifics, but it involves three live chickens, trash bags, oil, and a copy of the New York Times.”

Also, “send me a pic” means something entirely different than what I thought.  Thinking it was an innocuous request, when one guy ask me for a pic, I sent him three: one of me posing in front of Epcot Center in Disneyland, one with me hugging the mascot of my daughter’s school at a basketball game, and one of me with my cats (I figured he may as well know what he was getting into).  He replied with question marks, a confused emoji, and a picture of… things that I cannot un-see. Speaking of which, just how are you supposed to respond to these unsolicited pics? A thank you? A show of pity? A simple ewwww?

But I digress …

Now, I am not a prude by any means, but neither am I fourteen, hiding in my closet and giggling over dirty limericks.  What am I wearing?  A fuzzy bathrobe, mismatched socks, and a baseball cap; you can’t handle this much woman, dude.  Don’t tell me the things you want to do to me, tell me how you would come over to vacuum, take out the trash, and do the dishes.  And oh yeah, you’re bringing cheesecake. THAT is how to successfully sext a woman.

For myself, I can’t even think about sexting without picturing an old lady in her kitchen, sitting on a red lacquered bar stool hunkered up by the avocado green rotary wall phone, dressed in her comfy stained housecoat with her hair in curlers, fuzzy slippers and white socks against unshaven legs that would rival a bear’s upon emerging from hibernation, cigarette hanging out of her mouth, a Joe’s Diner coffee cup in one hand and the phone’s handset in the other, saying “Oh, baby, oh baby” – in that sexy, raspy 30-years-of-smoking-cigarettes-induced voice – to some paying customer on the other end of the line for just $3.99 a minute.

My version of sexting hasn’t gone over very well so far, either. “Oh, I want you like I want the new Dyson cordless vac, baby.”  “I’m wearing my favorite sweatshirt, the one without the stain on the front.” “I’m ready to spend the perfect night together, just be quiet because my shows are on.”

I haven’t entirely given up on finding “the one” via new-fangled means. I mean, who knows what might happen?  If I ever find a guy who answers, “what do you like to do?” with “binge old movies and eat cheesecake” and sends me an unsolicited dog pic, I’ll know he’s a keeper.


7 thoughts on “So, What Do You Like To Do?

  1. I met my husband online! But thank God he came along! I was burnt out by the warped world of online ‘dating’ and had pretty much given up on meeting any decent guy at all. I can’t imagine how the younger generation go, this is their normal!
    So don’t give up but be prepared for the worst!!

  2. When sent one of “those” pics I suggest you allow your inner smartass (okay, in your case, your outer smartass as well) free rein. To borrow from others, for example: “What is that? It looks like a penis, only so much smaller!” or “Wow, you must have one of those new Pixel 3 phones with the wide angle lenses that makes everything look small and far away!”

    You probably want to think twice about sending out your own pics showing off your grey sweats, mismatched socks, and the “death warmed over” look. I hear that’s the latest hot thing on all of the catwalks this spring!

  3. Ahhh, online dating. Or by responding an ad in a downtown paper. Thinking about it all, here’s something I would definitely avoid if I was thinking about responding and someone else said these things: (in nor particular order)…… :

    1. I’m “open-minded”
    Really? Who isn’t? Who will proudly advertise themselves as closed-minded and use it as a selling point? Being “open-minded” is a near-meaningless politically-correct thing to say. It does next to nothing to distinguish you from the rest-of-the-pack. Yawn.

    2. “I like to Travel” More yawns. Again, “who doesn’t?” Is this just someone’s way of implying they are not a couch-potato? Then why not just say you are looking for “no couch potatoes”. Also, people may think a person who says this expects you to have lots of money to “travel” and “enjoy the finer things in life”. (insert Gold-digger warning here).

    If I had my way, all personal ads should be required to declare on Height as well as their age. But that’s just me.
    Who knows where this will be 5 years from now?

  4. How about answering that question of what you like to do this way: “I like getting my hands dirty, whether it is in the kitchen, working with clay or tackling a home project.”.

    This should pique any man’s interest. 😀

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