Animal Tales

Oh my gosh, guys.  Did you see “A Dog’s Purpose?”  Wasn’t it great?

Well, I wouldn’t know.  I refuse to watch it.  I hate any story where the dog dies, so why would I see a movie where the dog dies fifteen times?  I heard there is a sequel out now, “The Dog Dies Twenty More Times.”

“Marley and Me” traumatized me for life.  I refuse to watch “War Horse,” and several scenes in “White Fang” haunt me to this day.  Black Beauty still makes me cry, and yes, I remember Bambi’s mother (“Man is in the forest,” bang).  In fact, Disney is famous for jerking animal lovers around. Disney isn’t alone in toying with my animal softened heart, though.

Those that know me realize that I love horror movies.  I know all of the rules in horror movies:

  • Never run up the stairs to escape the killer
  • The dog or cat gets it first
  • The more annoying the character, the longer he lives, but, the more horrible his death will be when it finally does happen
  • The dog or cat gets it first
  • Women can’t run in the woods without falling down a hill
  • The dog or cat gets it first
  • The non-virgin woman with matching undies always dies
  • The dog or cat gets it first

Come on, I’m not alone here.  Here is the plot of every horror movie ever written:

The happy family unpacks the car for a week in a waterfront cabin in the woods. They open the door to the station wagon and two adorable, bright eyed kids bounce out with any variety of toys from doll to teddy bear. Happy, panting, tail-wagging dog follows them out of the car, usually a yellow lab or golden retriever.  His cuteness factor will play a part in the events to come.

Day one passes with camera angles hinting at a crazed killer in the woods. The dog runs out for his night time pee, and the audience inhales as he runs to the woods, barking.  Not this time, though; dog runs back to the house unharmed.  Audience visibly relaxes and lets out a collective sigh.

At some point the next day, the dog will disappear.  Sometimes he runs away, and an off camera “yelp” tells us he has met the crazed killer.  Other times, he is found in little bitty puppy bits and pieces.  The cuter and more obedient he is, the worse his ending is.

I have missed endings to good horror movies because I get too pissed to watch any more from the minute I see the dog in the beginning of the movie. Don’t judge me, Mr. or Ms. “choked up at a Hallmark commercial.” The whole idea behind books and movies is to bring us in, get us emotionally invested in the character(s), to make us CARE.

Members of my book club show little sympathy for the “animal-affected” – those of us who are bothered by abuse to animals or “when the dog dies,” in stories. We’re constantly reminded by the better than thou folks that it’s “just a fictional dog” and we’re advised to “suck it up already.”  Of course, these same people snort into boxes of Kleenex over the death of a human character (I’m looking at you Cedric Diggory, Fred Weasley, and Sirius Black!) and are inconsolably upset when the plot takes a sad turn.

On the edge of your seat over a thriller? Upbeat romance have you smiling? Horror movie got you looking over your shoulder? Is that tear-jerker causing real tears to well up? That’s the whole point!

As book readers and movie watchers, we’re SUPPOSED to get drawn into the story. We cry over fictional characters, laugh with fictional characters, get angry with fictional characters… why on earth wouldn’t we get upset over the death or mistreatment of a fictional animal?  Consider my tears the highest praise, story tellers and movie makers. You managed to destroy me in one “yelp” or sad scene at the vet’s office.  I know I’m not alone.

My friend was pissed that the dinosaurs didn’t win in Jurassic Park.  I’m still wrecked over Cujo, and don’t get me started about Old Yeller.  When I look for a book, I check to see if there are animals and whether those animals are in imminent danger.  If they are, I pass.

Life’s already sad enough, isn’t it? I don’t need my realm of escapism to be sad too.

13 thoughts on “Animal Tales

  1. I saw “The Meg” with Jason Statham and there was a little dog in there called the same name as my dog and you think it gets eaten! I was like “No, no, no…no no”.

  2. I also root for the velicraptors, but only because all of the humans were so freakin’ stupid and in desparate need of being eaten in an entertaining and graphic manner.

    I can’t watch Old Yeller. Period.

    But I resent your backhanded comment about Hallmark Channel movies. That’s some really deep, sensitive, emotionally complex shit they’re dealing with!!

  3. I took my three grand kids (aged 5, 8, & 11 at the time) to see A Dog’s Purpose. They a a wonderful Labrador/whippet cross they dearly love and I was a little bit worried that the film might upset them just tiny bit. But they really loved it, including the 8 year old, who is possibly an Aspie. He’s not able to watch even something like the smurfs because he finds it too scary,b yet he really enjoyed A Dog’s Purpose. As he said, the dog doesn’t die, he just moves into a different body.

    As for me, I don’t see any point in watching horror movies. A major migraine with its accompanying symptoms, sensations and hallucinations feels far more real than any film of that genre.

  4. Oh my God you are like me! I can’t believe it!
    I sobbed and still sob, cognitively, about all those children’s movies with animals.
    ‘The Nine Lives of Tomasina,’ nearly killed me. The cat fell down a waterfall, for God’s sake. I can still see it.
    ‘The Incredible Journey,’ about these three dogs whose owners lost them and traveled across the country to find them.
    No. No. No. No.
    These are not children’s movies.
    These are horror movies for children.
    I am still scarred by all of them.

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