In the “yeah, that happened” category this week, I introduce you to a group of parents who decided that the best way to dry out a baseball field for the big game was to set it on fire.

Well, they weren’t wrong. I am pretty sure that field was dry after that, at least until the fire department got it wet again. Needless to say, this group’s stupidity will result in a warning sign at the field, cautioning people not to set it on fire. Again.

It got me thinking about warning signs.

At an amusement park, as I am clipping my seatbelt on the roller coaster ride and praying that I don’t get flung into the next county, my eyes settle on that sign above the door. “Caution, remain seated during this ride.” Obviously, something happened that made this warning necessary. Was there a huge problem with rebellious amusement park-goers standing up on roller coasters in mid-flight during the seventies? If so, you would think “Murphy’s Law” or perhaps more appropriate, “Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection,” would have sorted them out from the smarter, more belted passengers. I personally wouldn’t stand up during the ride, unless, of course, I am being flung into to the next county. At that point, I think the choice to sit or stand is out of my hands.

On a fan belt of a car, there is a warning on the package to make sure the engine is off before installation. My good friend, Lefty the Fingerless mechanic, seemed to know something about this one. How would you even attempt to place a fan belt on a running fan? You’d have to be quick, I know that much. My mind is both awed and boggled that someone, somewhere, tried this and was rewarded with a warning on the package.

“No smoking around gas pumps.” Well, now. You would think “burning cigarette ash and flammable vapors” would speak a warning of their own to intelligent folks, but somebody somewhere was chewing on a Marlboro Red while gassing up the family station wagon. I only hope he blasted just himself into Christmas morning and didn’t take some poor innocent with him. That innocent bystander was probably trying to write a sign about smoking at the pumps when tragedy struck.

My hairdryer proudly sports a tag advising me not to use it in the tub. Thank God for that warning, because the best time for me to dry my hair used to be while I was still in the shower. Doesn’t everyone do this? Well, now we know better.

We are surrounded by so many “warnings” that we don’t even take the time to read them anymore. I understand it’s to protect everyone from injuries, if not lawsuits, when human beings do things to reminds us that, despite our better natures, we are still human beings. And as proven by the several adults in the aforementioned baseball field fiasco, we apparently need warnings. There are at least a few of us who simply cannot function in society unsupervised.

I wish some things in everyday life came with warnings.

“Warning: Dating me will make my wife mad.”

 “Warning: Babies vomit uncontrollably and without warning.”

 “Warning: Watching the news will piss you right the heck off”

“Warning: We are newly engaged and disgustingly sweet.”

“Warning: Giving the dog a treat will lead to sad-eyed begging that can’t be ignored.”

“Warning: Petting the cat will cause it to lay in your lap and be paralyzed for hours.”

What do you think of daily life warning signs? What would be yours?

My personal warning sign would read: “Proceed with caution, sarcasm may sting.”