Take That… Hack

I will apologize in advance for the stupidity of this article. I know it’s stupid. You don’t have to tell me. But I’ve been a bit sleep-deprived the past few days and it’s making me a little loopy. Not to mention, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time watching “5 Minute Crafts” and the like on my phone and it’s starting to affect me. I mean, if you’re on Instagram or Pinterest or even YouTube for any amount of time whatsoever, you’ll see image after image of life hacks that, for the most part, no-one in their right mind uses. In fact, life hacks can be generally annoying. They’re everywhere and it’s kind of annoying that people consider the most basic stuff a “life hack.” Okay, well, fine, there’s no “kind of” about it.

I’m starting to think life hacks are just a way to create clickbait articles doing everyday common-sense things.  Although, to be honest, most of the time, they’re not even really common-sense hacks. They’re more like, what stupid thing can we get people to do just because they saw it on the internet hacks. I mean, if these people were really on the cutting edge of innovation, they’d realize that eating Cheetos with chopsticks isn’t exactly a groundbreaking new idea to avoid orange fingers. I wish these do-it-yourselfers would step outside the box and come up with something truly creative. Instead, they slap together a video showing people the benefits of whipped cream as a shampoo and using nail polish to paint phone cases. Oh, and you want freckles? Yeah, they’ve got that covered too… with a fork no less.

Well, here I am, doing my part to counteract the craziness. I mean, someone has to do it, right?  So, without further ado, here are some life hacks for the lifehackers who do life hacks that are so out of the ordinary they can’t be anything but a hack (go ahead, say that three times fast… I dare you).

And now for something completely stupid…

Coordinate Fans Around the World to Combat Global Warming

People all over the world are talking about global warming. From Facebook to world leaders (well, most world leaders, anyway), people are arguing over science that will someday cease to exist because we’ll all be underwater. Helloooo and greetings from Atlantis! However, if you truly want to be a proponent for change, why not use the power of social media to coordinate an event where millions of people around the world turn on their fans and air conditioners at the exact same time in a bid to stop global warming? Cause… cool air negates global warming. Get it? Don’t believe me, just ask any scientist, they’ll tell you. Not only would you be a hero to the world at large but think of the polar bears. Think of the polar bears, people!

Text a Friend to Stay Awake While Driving

Those of us with working brain cells know that texting while driving is bad. Texting. Bad. We get it. But…  What if you’re falling asleep at the wheel? The naysayers don’t take into account that you’re taking the responsible route and texting a friend to help you stay awake. Maybe they should stop making these horrific commercials of people dying in fiery explosions and make a commercial of how your friend heroically saved you by texting you poop and eggplant emojis. And I will insert here, because this is important, I am making a joke. A stupid joke, as I’ve already explained, but a joke nonetheless. I am in no way condoning texting and driving, so don’t. Just. Don’t.

Free Flowers

It seems like flowers are just getting more expensive every year. I mean, take Valentine’s Day. One of the biggest days of the year for buying flowers, especially roses. Buying a dozen roses at the last minute for Valentine’s Day can set you back the equivalent of a down payment for a new car.  Now you don’t have to worry about that anymore. Simply go down to your local cemetery, they have flowers everywhere!  And just think, the bail you’ll pay when you’re arrested for trespassing and theft is still a hell of a lot cheaper than that dozen red roses at the local florist on Valentine’s Day. Plus, PLUS you’re saving money on that fancy Valentine’s dinner cause, you know, jail.

Poop at Work

I will apologize for the ummm… indiscreet discussion. However, when offering advice, one must address even the less than rosy topics.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but if you really hate your job and want to stick it to your boss, then take every opportunity you can to poop while on the clock. This lifehack is a two-fer. You get paid for going to the bathroom, AND you can brag about being paid to go to the bathroom. Oh, hey, it’s a three-fer!  Cause you’ll also be cutting back on costly repairs by destroying the plumbing at work instead of at your place.  Now see, this is the handy little hack no one ever mentions in those nifty videos.

Dinner with Friends Sans Wallet

This hack works equally well for those who a) like to live life on the edge doing dishes, or b) simply want a cheap free meal. The added benefit to this is that your friends, such as they are, will start ignoring your calls and avoiding social events with you, allowing you to save even more time and money as you stay home on Friday night to eat mac and cheese out of the pan in front of the sink and then chill… by yourself… with Netflix.

Your Problems Aren’t There if You Ignore Them

The final life hack is one so simple it almost shouldn’t be here: your problems don’t exist if you ignore them. You know those Pinterest quotes that go on about how you just need to ignore all the haters and negativity in your life? Well what are problems if not something negative? Simply pretend like the problems – aka the negativity – doesn’t exist and you put no value into your problem, hence, problem solved!  Arrested for stealing flowers from Cousin Dave’s grave?  Forget about it!  Reaping the rewards of your night out on the town which culminated in three hours of manual labor over a sink and one less friend? Who cares!? Smile it away. Hey, even if the problem is a fiery car crash you managed to escape from because you were texting your friend to keep him awake, just shut off your senses and pretend like you don’t smell the smoke of the burning wreckage that is your life. The life hack to top all life hacks. You’ve got this.

4 thoughts on “Take That… Hack

  1. 5 Minute Crafts isn’t even original. They take snippets of other people’s shit and put together a video. Sometimes they don’t even get the entire clip. And yes. A LOT of the stuff isn’t even a thing. Anywhere. Who would use a fork for freckles?? Just take the extra ones off your favorite ginger!
    And yes. They are all stupid and not life hacks at all.
    There USED to be good ones out there that were actually USEFUL. No idea where they went or what they showed.
    DO your brain a favor and get away from the life hacks. They will literally HACK years off your life.

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