Exit… Stage Left

So. According to my daughter, my writing has never been a paragon of dignity. Okay, I’ll give her that one. After all, she’s not wrong.

With that said, thanks to my children (yes, I’m blaming my kids), my ability to hold back my…  ummm… oh, who cares, I’ll just say it. My ability to hold back my pee is nearly nonexistent. When I have to go, I have to go. And my body, being the asshole that it is, when it senses I’m near a bathroom, it upgrades the urinary crisis to a breaking point. Why is that? Does anyone else experience that? The closer you get to a bathroom, the more urgent the need becomes, to the point of … hey, I’m right here, but I still might not make it?

Sometimes, I tempt fate and wait almost too long to start the trek to the restroom. Who has time for constant bathroom breaks? I don’t. I’ve got better things to do. I’d put an end to bodily functions altogether, if it were up to me. And why do they call it a restroom, anyway? It’s not like we take a nap in there. I mean, I wish!

Anyway, I was at work today and threw caution to the wind in order to finish the marketing project I was working on. Oh, I made it, but barely.

And as I headed back to my office, once again unencumbered, however so briefly, by a needful bladder, I got to thinking.  What happens if that fateful day should arrive when I don’t make it in time?  Well, I’ll tell you, and this I know for certain.

I will go to my office, grab my coat, and without a backward glance or a word to anyone, I will simply walk out, never to return.  I will head East (or North, or West, or South… I don’t know, I’m geographically challenged, people!) until I can go no further. I will take a new name, put down roots in a new town, with a new job, and new people who will never, ever know of “the incident” that plagues my past.

They might speak of me around my “old” office, after I’m gone. But in the context of “that crazy woman in marketing who just up and walked out one day,” and NOT “the woman in the corner office who peed herself last Wednesday.”

I’m good with crazy. Oh yes. Definitely, crazy.

10 thoughts on “Exit… Stage Left

  1. My issue is similar but different, and can be summed up in a question. Why is it that I can go 4-6 hours between bathroom stops when into my working day, but max 3 hours when asleep in bed at night? I mean it’s the same bladder, right? How does daylight make it more elastic? Why is it so intolerant of my need for a decent night’s sleep? Anyone guesses?

  2. “I will go to my office, grab my coat, and without a backward glance or a word to anyone, I will simply walk out, never to return.”
    If your weakened bladder muscles can compel you to do this, consider the fact that they may be your best friend.

  3. It’s actually part of my anxiety issue. I was basically not able to get out and nearly peed all over a new car. I used to be able to hold on for hours, can’t really anymore. So I am having to retrain my brain to not stress out if I can’t find a bathroom straight away,lol.

  4. Ever since I was a child, my bladder and I have have had a communication problem. It’s either “I won’t”, “I can’t”, “Not interested” or “You’ve got 60 seconds, ready or not”. No thirty minute or ten minute warnings.

    I also think my bladder and migraines have a pact. Normally my bladder communicates between once every hour to once every 6 hours, but in the hours before a migraine strikes, I’m told I need to go every 15 to 30 minutes.

  5. And why do they call it a restroom, anyway?
    Here in Aotearoa New Zealand, they’re either “toilets” or “Conveniences” in work places and public spaces. The term “restroom” used to refer to women’s toilets that also had facilities for feeding and changing babies nappies (diapers). These days such facilities are no longer women only and are referred to as “parenting rooms”, and are placed in the proximity of the toilets.

    As an aside, the euphemism “bathroom” when referring to the toilet in the home is seldom used here, as traditionally the toilet and bath are in separate rooms, today usually adjacent to each other, but in the past often in different parts of the house.

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