Telling Off the Grammar Check Troll

So, the other day I was writing a blog entry (as I do), and I was using some very colorful language (as I do). Nothing out of the ordinary. However, something unusual happened.

My grammar check program called me out. That in itself wasn’t the unusual thing that happened… I often draw the ire of the grammar check algorithm. Sometimes it gets so flustered with my writing that it has nothing useful to offer in response. It’s like “yep, I got nothing.” But this time, it wasn’t telling me that I used “their” instead of “they’re” nor was it warning me that a participle was clearly in danger of dangling. No. It was telling me that some readers might find my language offensive.

First of all, I’m not out of line. You’re out of line, grammar check. How exactly am I supposed to write about assholes if I can’t use the word asshole? To be clear, asshole was in fact the word that was flagged here. I’m sorry dear grammar check, but “jerk” just doesn’t offer the same believability of tone my readers have come to expect.

I mean, anyone who reads my blogs knows how I write. Most of my readers have even come to expect colorful sentence enhancers. And if you haven’t caught on by now, well, you will.

If anyone takes offense from my fucking language, they’re on the wrong blog.

Second of all, who the hell does this grammar check troll think he is? Really, who does this grammar check troll think I am? Listen, I write, but I’m no Shakespeare.

I can’t just pull previously nonexistent elegant insults out of my ass whenever I feel like. I can’t command language with the precision and poise of the great Bard himself — and I don’t want to. Sometimes, a good “fucking” is exactly what you need to communicate your point. Yeah, okay, so that didn’t sound right, but you know what I mean. And now that I think about it, Shakespeare wasn’t all that prim and proper, either. His work was pretty scandalous for his time, and the people loved it anyway.

I get that this advice to avoid colorful words may be helpful for some grammar check users. Like if you’re writing an essay for school or working on your resume. Employers might not like to see “organized the fucking files” under the list of duties. And teachers might have aneurysms if they saw “this book was fucking great because” as an essay introduction. Though personally, I’d find that book report a hell of a lot more interesting than most – and probably more accurate to boot, wouldn’t you?

But grammar check, this is my blog. My blog. And it’s the 21st century. After what we dealt with in 2020, I think it is entirely appropriate to call some people out for the assholes they are (and don’t even try me, grammar troll!). I get that my insults are more of the garden variety and not as powerful or as graceful as they could be.

But I’m okay with that. It’s fine with me that my insults are more like homegrown tomatoes instead of wild berries. They taste and feel different, but the job gets done either way.

Sorry, Grammar Troll. I’m not interested in you’re advice. Just kidding. Sheesh, yes, I know it’s “your.” Please don’t inundate me with helpful hints. It was a joke, grammar check. A. Joke.

And yes, readers. I know that he can’t really hear me. Still…

7 thoughts on “Telling Off the Grammar Check Troll

  1. The ones that really burn my ass are when the troll is just plain WRONG trying to correct my grammar, usually complex sentence structure, with something not in the rule books I was taught from back in the daya when schools actually taught grammar.

    • I can’t say that I’ve ever had that issue. LOL But I imagine it would be incredibly frustrating. The algorithm is only as good as the person who programmed it and in many cases, I would suspect that you’re much more on the ball than they could ever hope to be.

  2. I have an upcoming post, titled Assholery. The algorithm troll didn’t warn me. It just closed its eyes and clicked its heels three times, like Dorothy, and muttered, There’s no word like Assholery! There’s no word like Assholery! There’s no word like Assholery! 😉 😯

  3. Sounds like it has become an artless knotty-pated harpy, a qualling flap-mouthed moldwarp, or most assuredly an gorebellied dizzy-eyed bum-bailey!!
    Guess that list of Shakespeare Insults will finally come in handy!

  4. Those unnecessary “corrections” are a shame because, otherwise, the grammar check IS a useful assistent, marking dangling particples and other common writing mistakes.
    Whenever I find musings [either from Tangled or Untwisted Minds 🙂 ]offensive, I tell the author to have a nice day, and press the UNsubscribe button.
    Not looking for it here!
    .-

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