I’m thinking of a career change. For many years now my job has involved… people. Everyday I’m confronted with people. I’ve decided that I want to try something new, challenge myself, break free from the tethers that bind me, spread my wings, and see just how far I can fly. Also, people tend to annoy me, and I’m tired of fake smiling.

Now, I don’t want to make the typical career change; swap my current desk for one in a different office. I don’t want my choice to be a lateral shift into something mundane. I want to dig deep beneath the façade of human importance and, as they say, ‘Go Big’ (or go home – which would be nice too, but, hey, somebody has to pay the bills).

To help sort out my options, I’ve made a list of possibilities.

First off, there’s always Queen of the Underworld. I could greet souls on the final leg of their journey, witness the torment of those who brought destruction and pain to those around them, become an arbiter of justice for the evil doings of individuals, and have access to all the pomegranates I can eat. Unfortunately, that’s a lot of time in the dark and not a lot of fresh air. I wonder if souls smell as much as their human counterparts. A gathering of that size, in that space, could be an olfactory disaster. Moving on…

I could be a menacing, horse-riding, arrow-slinging, two-breasted (yes, the whole cutting off one breast thing was just Ancient Greek propaganda) Amazon warrior. Living in a community solely comprised of women would certainly cut my annoyance with humanity by at least half. I’d probably be in the best shape of my life. And I could use my strength for good, fighting the good fight and beating down injustice with my incredible archery skills. I wonder how long it takes to acquire that skill.

Sticking with Greece, I’ve thought about heading straight into the business of snake-haired creatures who can turn men into stone. Imagine having the power to transform a man into granite with just one look. I mean, that’s what he gets for looking at me, right? Creeper. Walking around with a head teeming with hissing, slithering snakes would take a bit to get used to. I wonder if I would have to feed these creatures or if they ever rest at all. What if I want to wear a hat? Would they be containable? Too many unanswered questions for this one. Next…

Maybe I should try for something more straightforward, perhaps more pleasant and homey. I could take over for Deipneus, the demi-god of meal preparation, in particular bread-making. The thought of living in a home with the scent of warm bread permeating the air sounds delightful. To wake up each morning and have delicious warm bread slathered in butter could be a dream. Until I remind myself that I would be the one getting up before the sun to make the bread, then it doesn’t sound so wonderful. Can a demi-god outsource labor? I’m also reminded of my attempt at making homemade seitan and the subsequent vow to never see another bag of flour.

Then again, maybe I should try something with more of a passive income. I could fill in for Kokytos, the river of wailing. Specifically, the current that pushes the perpetrators of homicide to the Akherousian Lake, where judgment and punishment are meted out. I love the idea of witnessing divine justice… and wailing. I do love wailing. But again, there lies the issue of darkness, never seeing the sun, and a possible locker-room-smell situation.

Perhaps I should try for something more manageable, more in line with my tolerance and skill set. Animals. I love animals. I think I’ll look there. Maybe Cerberus needs a pet sitter. Three good doggos for the price of one… that’s a win-win if you ask me.