Picture this: It’s a warm summer evening, and you have a very attractive man coming to pick you up at your door to take you out for a nice dinner (who says chivalry is dead). You’ve got on your little black dress (every girl needs one, right ladies – insert eye roll), but you just can’t decide on what shoes to wear. You want sexy but comfortable, breathable but classy. Okay, forget classy; you won’t get that with these shoes. But comfort, a nice breeze on your feet, and a few inches to make those calf muscles pop… you got it! What you need is a stiletto croc designed by Balenciaga (whoever that is). For a mere $850, you too can have these fetching rubber disasters.

Seriously, have you tried walking in crocs with wet feet? Say you step in a puddle, a light rain begins, or you start sweating profusely from nerves because while out on this date, you realize that not everyone accepts crocs as legitimate footwear. And who knew that particular shade of green would glow in the dark? All eyes are on you. Or, at least, your feet. What if he takes you to one of those fancy restaurants where men have to wear blazers, and they don’t let you in because your choice of shoes is more reminiscent of a day at the beach or a last-minute trip to Walmart? Now there you are, wet feet slipping and sliding around in your rubber shoes, and there is a 4-inch gap between your soles and the pavement.

I know I’m not up to speed on what’s considered fashion these days, but seriously? Is this really what fashion has come to? Yeah, no thanks.

Have you seen the see-through plastic jeans? Isn’t the point of wearing pants to cover up what you don’t want others to see? Where does one wear transparent, plastic pants? I would think you’d have to stay inside or reserve them for a cloudy day. Clear plastic makes for great greenhouse material, which doesn’t bode well for pale skin prone to sunburn. 

Of course, you could always go for the more conservative look… jeans with plastic knees. Just $95 at Nordstrom. Presumably they’re still available, though honestly, I have no idea. As I may have mentioned, fashion and I aren’t exactly friends.

If plastic “jeans” aren’t your thing, there are always detachable jeans in the running for the most ridiculous fashion statement. These provide a denim coverage of the essentials (basically, shorts). The denim legs are attached to the shorts with garter belt-type straps, or in some cases, zippers. Why, people? Why?

Cowboy boot sandals, distressed tights (tights that look like they’ve barely survived a rough night of drunk dancing), grass-stained denim from Gucci, sweaters with the abdomen removed, and even jeans that come out of the factory with holes already there, the list sadly goes on.

What’s up with cutting holes in perfectly fine clothing? Why can’t clothes just be functional and not ridiculous? I want to shout from the rooftops, “Keep the clothes whole!” Just add pockets for God’s sake.

And crocs with stiletto heels? Thankfully they aren’t available yet. When they are, I’ll be the first in line to not buy them.