Aging Like Fine… Cabbage

I just made myself some fried cabbage. Yep. At 10:00. At night. Fried cabbage at this hour is like playing a rigged game of Russian roulette with your digestive system. It’s not a matter of if, but when the rumbling and gurgling will start. So forget about enjoying that delicious goodness without paying the price later. It’s like our stomachs have become traitors in our golden years. It’s enough to make you want to cry into your bowl of bland, flavorless oatmeal. Oh, the joys of aging. Who needs roller coasters and bungee jumping when you can live on the edge by eating fried cabbage at 10 pm?

As we get older, our bodies betray us at every turn. We used to be able to eat anything we wanted without giving it a second thought. We could chow down on a giant burrito at midnight and be ready for a marathon the next day. But now, even the thought of a spicy meal after 7 pm can send our digestive system into a tailspin.

It’s not just about food either. Remember the days when we could stay up all night partying with friends and still function like a normal human being the next day? Now, just one glass of wine can leave us feeling like we’ve been hit by a truck. That’s our bodies telling us, “Sorry, just give it up, those days are over. You’re officially old.” If you need any confirmation at all, just go to the grocery store. Our music – the music we listened to as we danced the night away – is now playing on the speakers. Talk about adding insult to injury.

And don’t even get me started on the aches and pains. It used to be that we could bend over and touch our toes without even thinking about it. Now, we have to carefully stretch out every muscle just to tie our shoes. It’s like we’re slowly turning into the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz.

But perhaps the cruelest irony of aging is the toll it takes on our love of food. The days of devouring an entire pizza without batting an eye are behind us.  Now, we have to think twice before indulging in anything remotely spicy or greasy… weighing the risks against the deliciousness of the meal. Is it worth it?  Is it really? And even if we do give in to our cravings, we know we’ll be paying for it later.

No matter how much we fight it – with some of us kicking and screaming all the way to the plastic surgeon – aging and all the downsides that come with it, is inevitable. So, we might as well find humor in the absurdity of it all. After all, laughter is the best medicine. Or so they say. Even if it doesn’t do much for our digestion.

And who knows, maybe someday we’ll stumble upon the elusive fountain of youth and be able to enjoy our favorite foods with reckless abandon once again. Until then, we’ll just have to make do with the blandest of meals and the earliest of bedtimes. Blech. But hey, at least we’ll be able to laugh about it over a shared tub of Tums.

5 thoughts on “Aging Like Fine… Cabbage

  1. That is how it, usually, works, we know we shouldn’t have something, and still went for it, and, we beat ourselves up, for doing what we know we shouldn’t have done, in the, first, place…

  2. Fried cabbage? Mmmm, now I’m craving kimchi! I always thought it would be totally disgusting, yet all I knew about it was from some of the jokes on “M*A*S*H.” But a key rule when travelling internationally for me is to NEVER eat at McDonalds or any American chain restaurant and ALWAYS at least try the local cuisine. (Sushi in Japan is far more “fresh” than the stuff you get at 7-11!) When in Korea I got the opportunity to try kimchi and loved it.

    But, yeah, the 3AM gas after eating it at midnight – “Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!!”

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