Waffle Fries, Anyone?

The holidays are upon us, and you know what that means.  Deliveries!

I’m telling you, online shopping is the best thing since waffle fries.  I can sit on my couch in my jammies and work through my gift list with a cup of coffee, two dogs, and two cats beside me.  I can meander to my mailbox in my jammies – or only as far as my front door if I’m lucky, to get said packages.  Then, warm and toasty in my jammies I wrap presents while not-so-daintily slurping hot cocoa with massive amounts of whipped cream on top.  Hmmm… I sense a clothing trend in my choices. Oh well, I don’t care. Online shopping completely eliminates the worst part of the holidays for me: last-minute shopping crowds.   It’s an easy choice… stay home and avoid people – in my jammies – all while still getting my shopping done.   Success!

Whatever takes the stress off, I say. Because the holidays are stressful enough without adding to it.

The thing I love most about Christmas is finding the one thing, that one gift, that will make someone smile. I mean, it’s awesome. I love it. But… it wouldn’t hurt my feelings any if, as a societal group, we just decided to forego the holiday gifts. When you think about it, if I buy you a candle for $25 and you give me a $25 gift card to Target, we’re just recycling our money. What’s the point?

We could all just keep our money and spend the season baking, watching movies, sharing stories, playing games, volunteering, and of course, eating. 

Think about how much simpler the whole holiday season would be. You wouldn’t have to shop or make returns or think about what to get your boss, other than that “#1 Boss” mug. Nonprofits would have a larger influx of volunteers than they already have this time of year.  It would kind of be bliss, really.

I doubt this will happen any time soon, at least here in the US.  The commercialism game is just too strong. But it’s an interesting thought.

That was my doorbell – boy, that package got here fast. Gotta go!

Timely Advice

Pets are for life, not just for Christmas. All too often these “Christmas presents” end up on Craigslist after the holidays… or worse. Animals are not disposable; they are living, sentient beings who deserve better.

Bringing a pet into a home and a family is a decision that should be made with great care. If you’re not prepared for a lifetime commitment – with all that entails – get a toy instead.

Want to help the animals in your community? There are some great ideas HERE.

Petra, the Sort of Demon Slayer

Just so we’re clear, demons and ghosts are two entirely different animals. Oh sure, having a ghost about the house might not be such a bad thing, but demons on the other hand, you probably want to avoid them, if you can. I mean, sure, demons can be a decent sort, I guess… it’s just that ordinarily, they’re a little too heavy on the Hell and brimstone for me. Not to mention, the whole soul-stealing thing.

To avoid said demons, I always take my dog, Petra into the bathroom with me when I’m ready to take a shower. She might be small, but she’s a Hell of an alarm system. (ha!) Hey, don’t roll your eyes at me! I’ve seen the movies. I don’t want any demons escaping their netherworld home from under the sink while I’m preoccupied soaping up my hair. And what is it about demons under the bathroom sink, anyway? I don’t see the allure in it myself, but it seems that’s where all the popular demons spend their spare time. Then they come crawling out, in their creepy demon way, when unsuspecting victims are taking a shower.

So, anyway, to ensure a demon-free showering experience, Petra stands guard. Well, really, she lays guard… ensconced in the dirty towels, but the end result is the same. Demons watch out!

Why Petra, you ask? That little bit of a thing can’t protect anyone from demons, you might be thinking.  I suppose you’re right, it’s not as though she could attack the demon and drive it back with pure muscle… but you see, in case you’ve never watched any demon-centric movies, demons hate noise. They hate bright lights and they hate dogs. Demons prefer to work on the sly and loathe attention. As soon as anyone catches sight of them or even if the demon thinks someone is privy to their existence, they disappear or duck behind a door and bide their time for another shot at your soul.

And Petra? She likes to bark. Strike that, she loves to bark. When Petra spies someone she doesn’t know – and sometimes those she does know, she barks. If she hears a noise, she barks. That leaf blowing down the street two blocks down? Yep, worthy of a barkfest. If you want to draw attention to something or someone, just show it to Petra. She’ll let the whole neighborhood and the development next door know that something is amiss.

You might think, oh, seeing a demon would shut her up. You’d be wrong. The more anyone yells at Petra to stop barking, the more she barks. It’s like she can’t help herself. And when she’s afraid? Well, there’s just no stopping her then. She might not go running into battle, but she’ll most definitely sound the alarm. A nonstop, high-pitched, frenzied alarm.

Demon: *hears water running in the shower, thinks NOW is the time, pokes his head out from under the sink*

Petra: Bork?

Demon: Oh shi… well, hi there little doggo, what are you up to? Don’t mind me, I’m just a demon. We’ll just stay quiet, okay pupster?

Petra: BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK

Demon: Okay, fine, if that’s how you want to do this.

Demon: *using his best, most scary demon voice* I SAID BE QUIET DOGGO!

Petra: *quietly eyeing up the demon*

Demon: *smug as only a demon can be smug* Now that’s bette…

Petra:  BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK

Demon: *looking around frantically while desperately shushing Petra in a low, begging whisper* Oh now, come on little doggo, there’s no need for that, shhhh… it’s okay, just shhhh… heyyyy, wait a minute, I might have a treat here…

Demon: *throws Petra a treat*

Petra: *slowly creeps over, grabs the treat, and retreats*

Demon: *smiles a toothy demon smile and edges out further into the bathroom*

Petra: BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK

Demon: *facepalm*

Petra: BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK

Demon: *reaching out slowly to close the cabinet door* Okay, jeez, I’m going… see?? I’m leaving, I’m leaving, good grief.

Petra: Bork.

And there you have it, folks. The ultimate demon alarm.