Musings on Books, Movies, etc

My thoughts on my book addiction, Marvel Comics, and movies in general.

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A Hell of a Deal

I don’t know about the rest of you, but this sounds like a bad idea if you ask me. A working LeMarchand Lament Configuration? No thanks. I’ve seen how this ends, and let’s just say… it’s not good.

click the image for a sneak peek… I swear, this is not a trick to capture your soul for all eternity

I get that Facebook, Target, Walmart, and all of the others are tracking our every move, but, come on! Demons too? Which, makes sense really, if you think about it. Everyone is so tied to their screens these days, finding souls to torment just isn’t what it used to be. No one plays with Ouija boards anymore. The only thing getting sacrificed is our sleep. And long gone are the days of intricate demon summoning rituals, where one had to meticulously follow ancient texts and endure hours of incantations. Who has time for that? The Cenobites have always been clever and have always been able to adapt to changing times. They also understand the value of efficiency. So, enter the latest breakthrough in demonic marketing strategies: a clickable ad. Online shopping for the soon-to-be damned.

There you are, innocently scrolling through your news feed, catching up on the latest cat videos, and there it is — the alluring, otherworldly puzzle box that promises unimaginable experiences.  A quick tap, and before you know it, your soul is on a one-way trip to an eternity of suffering and pleasure. All for a steal at just $19.99.

 

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Don’t Go Changing

Let’s talk about makeovers in movies – the ones where a girl’s entire self-worth is determined by how she looks to a man? Yeah, those. It’s like watching a horror movie, but instead of a chainsaw-wielding maniac, it’s just a basic dude with a fragile ego. What brought this to mind, you ask? The Breakfast Club. An iconic John Hughes flick that up until recently was a guilty pleasure. I watched it again this week and it just didn’t hit like it used to.

Then I came across this. Because you know, the internet is spying on us.

nobody asked you, Malcolm

Of course, the lovely Ally Sheedy played the equally lovely Allison Reynolds in The Breakfast Club. But like so many movies geared towards young people, there came the dreaded “makeover” scene. There’s usually an upbeat pop song playing over a montage of trying on new outfits, putting on makeup, straightening or coloring hair, or the most magical transition of all – taking off the glasses!  Sure, the character may not be able to see now but at least she is finally seen by others, especially whichever guy she has her sights set on. And yes, I meant to make that pun.

Look, don’t get me wrong. I’m not against a character going through some self-reflection and making some personal changes in a movie. Hero’s journey, and all that jazz. But why does it inevitably fall to the female character to change? And if she were altering her appearance for her own personal wants, desires, or goals, that’s one thing, but to do so just for some arrogant dude’s attention is disappointing. That’s why the transformation scene like the one in The Breakfast Club is so frustrating. Because just like all the other ones, the jock or stupid boy crush has no interest whatsoever in making any real changes in himself. Just another entitled dude who thinks the world revolves around him, and well, to be quite frank, in these movies, it does. And apparently in real life too, hence the meme.

What’s more frustrating is that young people are the target audience of these movies. We’re continuing to tout this nonsense to the next generations. We’re teaching, or rather, trying to teach young women that they must adhere to contemporary beauty standards to be liked or loved. Worse, they need to subjugate themselves to a man’s whims. But you know what? Young women these days aren’t having it. They’re a force unto themselves and I’m glad to see it.

You know what movie had a great makeover scene? Grease. The main characters both changed because they wanted to be more of what the other wanted. They cared about each other and were willing to do whatever it would take to make the other one happy. Both of them. We need more of that and less of this one-sided crap. But it’s not surprising that Grease is the superior take on this trope. After all, Grease is the word.

 

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Condescending Is As Condescending Does

Today I want to talk about a topic that gets me angrier than your grandmother when the mailman is running late: gatekeeping hobbies. I know I’ve talked about this before, but gatekeepers annoy the hell out of me, and since I was thinking about it, I thought you should too. This is kind of a long one, so strap in.

If you’re not familiar with the term, let’s get nerdy for a minute. “Gatekeeping refers to the act of setting arbitrary rules or standards around a particular activity or interest and then using those rules to exclude others who don’t meet those standards.” And boy, do some people take it seriously. These folks are the kids who became hall monitors – back in the day when hall monitors were a thing in school – and fell in love with the power. They were so taken with their own righteousness that they were giving out demerits willy-nilly and burning bridges at the same time.

Back then you couldn’t go to the bathroom without a note. Now, you can’t like something or do something as a hobby, until you prove yourself somehow worthy.

You’re not a “real” fan of a particular band unless you know every single song on every single album. The ones who sneer at your attempts to learn a new skill because you’re not a “natural.” The ones who insist that the only way to enjoy a particular hobby is to spend a not-so-small fortune on equipment or materials. You know, rich assholes.

This isn’t just annoying.

When people start gatekeeping hobbies, they’re not just saying that certain people aren’t welcome. They’re saying that certain people aren’t good enough. They’re reinforcing the idea that there are “right” and “wrong” ways to enjoy things, and that if you don’t do it their way, you’re doing it wrong.

But here’s the thing: there is no “right” way to enjoy a hobby. What if my hobby is to watch seasons of Friends out of order from the last season to the first. Are there rules? Is it allowed? Do I give a shit what your opinion is? No. Yes. No. Those are my answers.

“You can’t watch the show like that.” Why? Will the universe collapse on itself? If so, I think we need to ask ourselves, do we care? I mean, have you seen the state of the world today? I digress. But the truth of it is, I have done this, and we’re all still here. So there’s that.

Side note: Oddly enough watching the show backwards, the cast somehow goes from young looking to old looking. Figure that one out.

Another example. Twitter adults (yes, adults) were roasting the young people who had just discovered Metallica through the show Stranger Things. Now personally, if you’re gonna roast anyone, it should be the adults who never introduced their kids to Metallica in the first place. The very same adults who are now on Twitter gatekeeping Metallica’s music. Kudos to Metallica for jumping in and shutting that shit down.

from Metallica’s official Twitter account

Sadly, gatekeeping is not alone… it has an even more self-righteous little cousin – what I call Virtuous Judging. And this is what got me started on this rant today.

random meme that found its way onto my social media feed

Are you judging someone in what you think is a positive way? Yeah, that’s still judging, people! Plus, it’s not positive – it’s condescending, even if you’re not saying it out loud. I get that you might have good intentions, but how about you go about your day without always thinking about what other people are doing. Condescending thoughts are still condescending because they give you the illusion that your opinion should matter to the people you’re judging.

The person who wrote this meme is probably patting themselves on the back for having such altruistic thoughts, but why do they even care why anyone’s at the gym? No one cares what you think. People are just trying to live their lives in relative peace. Their existence doesn’t need to be judged by you. They don’t require your validation. Mind your business. Leave. People. Alone.

Whether you’re judging and gatekeeping someone out loud or just in your mind, stop. I mean, it’s easy enough. Just don’t do that.

We need to just do ourselves and not in a “that’s what she said” way. If we worry about ourselves, and everyone does the same, then we’d all be responsible for ourselves and it would be so much easier to take care of ourselves with no judgment, even from ourselves.

And if you were playing a drinking game and every time I wrote “ourselves” you took a shot, you need to give your keys to someone now. Maybe go lay down.

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Seeing Stars

This article came up in my news feed quite a while back and I just sort of squirreled it away for a rainy day.  Today is that day. Apparently, mega-movie director Quentin Tarantino said that Marvel actors aren’t really movie stars. I know Tarantino is an icon and I’m just a mere member of the audience, but I can’t say I agree.

My take on it is this: Tarantino recruits stars to sell his movies. His cast is almost always made up of established box office draws… star power, if you will.  Marvel, on the other hand, takes actors and turns them into megastars. There are a few exceptions like Patrick Stewart, Samuel L. Jackson (who, funnily enough, also appears in a few Tarantino flicks, um… awkward), and one of the greatest stage and screen actors of all time, Sir Ian McKellen. But for the most part, Marvel movies jumpstarted or reinvigorated careers to stratosphere-level star power.

Tarantino even addresses this, saying that “Part of the Marvelization of Hollywood is you have all these actors who have become famous playing these characters, but they’re not movie stars. Captain America is the star. Thor is the star.” This isn’t necessarily true. If you ask me, just because they’re in action movies doesn’t make them any less gifted.

You simply can’t deny the talent of Chadwick Boseman, Robert Downey, Jr., Tom Holland, Chris Evans (besides playing a poignant Steve Rogers, he was awesome in Gifted and Knives Out), Elizabeth Olsen (audiences worldwide felt her anguish over losing her children), Tom Hiddleston (who embodies Loki with ease but can then move on to winning awards as The Night Manager), Chris Pratt (he’s everywhere these days), Hugh Jackman, and others. These were all amazing actors before Marvel, even if they weren’t exactly on the audience’s radar, and their stint as superheroes shot them into true stardom. And whoever claims superhero movies can’t be expressive and emotional – thereby requiring a wide range from the actors, has never heard Tom Holland say, “Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good.”

Still, I get what Tarantino means. Movie-goers aren’t asking, “hey did you see that new Chris Hemsworth movie?” They’re asking, “hey did you see that new Thor movie?”  However, I think this is just the norm for most movies these days. People still love celebrities and Hollywood in general, but it’s not like in the days of the Rat Pack when celebrities were revered. And when you think about it, they’re kind of doing the same thing with Tarantino movies by asking “hey, did you see the new Tarantino flick?” Rather than “hey did you see the new [insert famous actor here] movie?” Perhaps Tarantino has more in common with Marvel than he thought. Double awkward.

So, yeah, while Thor may be the star, Chris Hemsworth brought Thor to life. Just like with the other Marvel actors, one can’t imagine any other person playing these roles. When people say, “hey, did you see the new Ironman movie?” They’re clearly thinking of Robert Downey, Jr., because Robert Downey, Jr. is Ironman. While a great movie in its own right, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever makes it clear just how precious Chadwick Boseman was to the MCU, and the rest of the world.

What it comes down to is this: star power is in the eye of the beholder, and perhaps Tarantino’s eye is just a slight shade of green.

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A Kid at Heart

I really don’t think there is a generation alive that hasn’t grown up with Disney in some way, shape or form. If I remember correctly, one of the first Disney cartoons to ever come out was back in the 20s and starred Oswald the rabbit instead of Mickey Mouse. Then in the 30s, a little animated jaunt came out from the studio called Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Perhaps you’ve heard of that one? A quick online search shows that there are a few people still alive in the states who were born between 1905 and 1910 who would have been in their 20s when Disney started making short cartoons which means even the oldest people in America had a little Disney in their early adult years. My generation grew up in front of the tv on Sunday evenings with The Wonderful World of Disney (followed by Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom).

All of this to say that it’s easy to see how kids grow into adults who are Disney babies at heart. I even know of childless couples who have no issue with going to Disneyland or Disney World or even confessing that they are obsessed with all things Disney. They even have Disney-themed weddings with nary a child in sight.  I have friends in their 30s and 40s who readily admit that they’ve watched all the classics such as Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Fantasia, Lion King, etc., and why not? I mean, we were all young once, right?  And if Disney is to be believed, we’re all young still.

But what about when an adult watches a Disney movie by themselves in today’s day and age? Well, depending on who you ask, that’s a whole different story. I’ve recently learned that it’s somewhat of a taboo subject and it’s where a lot of adults (especially men) draw the line. Admit that you like cartoons? Oof. Some people will definitely give you a few looks. I mean, I’m a Looney Tunes gal, love the show, and always have. Animaniacs?  I am so there. I love Pixar and Disney movies too and even a few that fall outside the franchise names we all know, like FernGully (20th Century Fox), The Land Before Time (Universal), Spirited Away (Studio Ghibli), Howl’s Moving Castle (also Studio Ghibli), and many more. There are a lot of well-done animated features that I’d happily recommend to anyone looking for a good wholesome film to watch.

When my kids were younger, it was easy to get my cartoon fix. No one bats an eye at a mom taking their kid to the movies or plopping down on the couch to watch a round of Pinky and the Brain. I had plenty of “Oh, I’m just taking the kids to the movies!” or “I bought it for the kids!” moments. Yeah, that’s right, the kids. I’m sure there was a time or two when they were like, “but mom, I don’t want to watch Lady and Tramp again” and I’d snap back with, “too bad, we’re watching it anyway.” I may or may not be joking about that previous statement. But with my little ones not so little anymore, it’s become a bit more challenging to act like a grown-up while trying to enjoy my animated guilty pleasures. Now, along comes Bluey, which I actually came across by accident during a work trip while flipping through the channels of the hotel room tv late at night. But without a doubt, it instantly became one of my all-time favorites.  I mean, come on!  Cute little pups with Aussie accents?  Yes, please!

Don’t get me wrong, I just don’t sit there yearning for cartoons regularly or turn on Amazon Prime and binge a season or two of SpongeBob SquarePants. Pfft. Of course, I don’t. I like dramas and action movies, and I consider myself a sucker for a good ole horror flick just as much as the next person, but who’s to say adults can’t enjoy an animated feature every now and again?

Either way, I’m going to do me and just assume that there are tons of people out there who feel the same way but just don’t want to admit they enjoy the occasional cartoon from time to time. Now excuse me, Bluey is on.

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They’ll Put a Spell on You

Has this ever happened to you? It’s a nice, crisp, fall weekend evening after a long, hard week of work and you’re ready to cuddle up with some cider, a blanket, and a spooky movie – as one does this time of year – when all of a sudden, boom!  All hell is unleashed on you and your home through that nefarious streaming platform… Disney+.

No? Didn’t think so.

A Texas mom recently voiced her concerns about the new kids’ Halloween movie “Hocus Pocus 2” on the scariest place known to mankind: Facebook. From there, her warning to other parents went viral and the internet exploded into fiery pits of discussion threads mainly consisting of like-minded “Christians” killing the vibes of spooky season. Jamie Gooch, head fun-sucker, stated that “the whole movie is based on witches harvesting children for blood sacrifices” which is, ironically, the same thing Texas conservatives say about pro-choicers. I don’t know about you, but I sense a theme.

In interviews, Gooch goes on further to say, “Everybody thinks it’s fake and innocent, but they could be casting any type of spell that they want to, anything could be coming through that TV screen into your home.” Which is beyond ridiculous logic. I mean, come on. I am an avid viewer of “The Great British Baking Show” and “Love Island” but I have never once had a hot British snack, um, you know, a scone, come through my TV. Even when I prayed AND tried numerous spells.

Gooch, perhaps unsurprisingly, identifies as a Christian and stated that she and her family have not participated in Halloween in about four or five years because they’re not like regular Christians, they’re cool Christians. Okay, that last part I did make up, but it’s not hard to imagine Gooch trying to use a “Mean Girls” pop culture quote to her advantage when we all know she’s the type of person who would constantly try to make fetch happen.

She did in fact say that “For a Christian, we are held at a higher standard.” But I think Rotten Tomatoes would disagree. “Hocus Pocus 2” received a 63% on the tomatometer scale, while “The Passion of the Christ” got a 49% – define higher standard, Gooch.

It’s no surprise that right-wingers are so vehemently and loudly against any form of entertainment surrounding witchcraft. Witchcraft at its core is female centric. But hey, to be fair, they don’t like wizards either. Or at least, not the magical kind. Remember back in the late 1990s and early 2000s when the alt-right religious folks were so afraid of the Harry Potter novels? Even though the series got a generation of kids loving books, they called for a boycott to “save the children’s souls” and in some areas, the books were publicly burned “to fight demonic influence.” Conservatives were quick to write off J.K. Rowling entirely because of all the wizardry and magic, yet 20-some years later it turns out she has more in common with their bigoted views than we could have imagined. Quite frankly, conservatives, you can have her, and we’ll gladly keep the Sanderson Sisters.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try and cast a spell for that hot British snack.

 

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Let Us Prey

I consider myself a fan of the Predator franchise, even though the Predator and Alien smash up wasn’t exactly my cup of tea.  I’m not saying the concept isn’t fantastic. No doubt sci-fi horror fans around the world were thrilled to see a Predator finally square up with a xenomorph, just as much as slasher fans were excited to finally get Freddy vs. Jason (fantastic movie, by the way). I think what killed it the most for me was that the first AVP (Aliens vs Predator) entry was PG-13 and came with a mediocre script. What’s wrong with PG-13? Well, nothing really, but considering every Predator and Alien movie that came before it, and after it, was rated R, why on earth would the movie when these super violent aliens finally cross paths be rated PG-13? Yeah, yeah, I know it’s to reach a broader audience, but still.

However, the newest entry, Prey, is quite arguably a modern-day horror masterpiece. It was a GREAT movie. I loved it. Personally, I felt that it was a perfect addition to the franchise. The fact that the film featured a strong female lead, just like in the original Alien film, really set it off.

Now I understand that opinions are like, well… abundant. Yeah, let’s just say abundant. Not exactly the “A” word I was thinking of, but it’ll do. In other words, everyone has one. An opinion. Cause you know, they’re abundant. And sometimes those opinions drive me up the wall. There, I’ll admit it freely. I hate people. It’s no big secret.

Why this segue into opinions, you might ask? Well, like much of the world, I’m in a few online social groups with like-minded folks who share hobbies, interests, what have you. One of those groups is all about movies. Horror movies to be specific. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but misogyny tends to run rampant online and especially in groups about horror and sci fi. No, really, it’s true.

So, anyway, people in this group were downright losing their minds over the fact that Prey had a strong female lead. And just so we’re clear, when I say, “losing their minds,” I don’t mean in a good way. Like, oh wow, she’s a freakin’ badass!  Yeah, no. It was not like that. At all.

It was mostly men (remember, I did mention the whole misogyny runs rampant thing) doing the mind losing, and the general feeling was, “Let’s talk about the brother. Now HE was awesome. HE would have made a far better hero. HE should’ve been the lead.”  Yeah, great. Sure, the brother would’ve been the perfect hero, perfect for another cookie-cutter action movie. And we certainly don’t have enough of those out there. *insert eye roll here*

Now, let me step back to say the movie itself was very clever at putting the audience in the perspective of a strong, capable, intelligent woman who – without giving spoilers – was gaslighted and made to feel lesser than by all the big strong he-men around her, including her brother. So, the fact, that this freakin’ badass of a woman takes on a Predator was powerful and satisfying and made the movie the horror masterpiece that it is.

But back to the brother. The character added a great deal to the movie, there is no doubt about that. As a side character. Having him be the “hero” would not have added an extra element to the plot nor would it have made the movie better. The actor is fantastic, and he was perfectly cast in the role, and that role… was exactly what it needed to be.

You may be thinking, well those male movie aficionados may have a point. Maybe their criticism of a female lead has some validity. Let me explain something. The major consensus seemed to center around this concept (and I’m quoting): “Her fighting skills were exaggerated; it just wasn’t believable. There’s no way she would be able to fight like that.” Wasn’t believable. Wasn’t. Believable. In a sci-fi horror movie, something wasn’t believable. Go figure. I love when people watch a fictional movie and then tear it apart for not being accurate. I mean, hey, maybe I’m wrong, I guess I should go pick up a history book and see how the Predator vs Native American tribe battle really went down.

It’s like when people are legitimately upset because “cars don’t explode like that in real life.” As they’re watching Transformers, a film about giant robotic shape-shifting alien vehicles from a distant universe.

The same guys who thought the female lead’s fighting skills were unbelievable also expounded the view that (another quote), “The brother was more believable as a fighter and a hero, his action sequences were amazing.”  Cause you know, HIS fighting skills were right on the mark. These are the same folks who totally believe the whole Predator comes to Earth to hunt prey scenario, and of course, that checks out. However, it’s the FEMALE lead’s fighting skills that get called into question. That’s the unbelievable bit.

I’m serious, Facebook needs to add an emoticon of Picard’s facepalm meme. Or better yet, Dana Scully’s. I’m kind of singling out these few comments but know that there were hundreds more just like them, all from men, who took issue with a female lead in a Predator movie, a female who could kick ass, but should’ve been a man.

These are the same people who apparently forget about Ellen Ripley and Sarah Connor. Of course, those movies had the same type of male characters who downplayed the female’s role and tried to gaslight her (just like with Prey), so, yeah, there’s that.

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Seeing Red

So, just recently I had the pleasure of watching the movie Turning Red. I’m sure you’ve probably at least heard the name as it’s been in the news quite a bit lately. It’s an animated coming-of-age film by Pixar (subsidiary of Disney) that tells the story of Meilin “Mei” Lee, a confident, average, dorky 13-year-old girl who struggles with being her mother’s obedient and perfect daughter amid the pandemonium that is adolescence. Her protective, and oftentimes overbearing mother, Ming, is never far from her child, which is a rather unfortunate reality for the teenager. School isn’t even a safe haven as Ming often shows up, keeping an embarrassingly close eye on Mei. On top of maintaining her honor roll grades, navigating relationships, and valiantly trying to to meet her mother’s impossible expectations, Mei Lee turns into a giant red panda every time she has strong emotions… which, as a 13 year old, happens quite often.

Overall, it’s a great movie, I really enjoyed it, and I plan on watching it again. There were a lot of cringe moments in the movie, which went along beautifully with the story, and, if we’re being honest, encapsulated the awkwardness that is being a teenage girl extremely well. I may be a few summers removed from my youth, but not so much that I don’t remember being a 13-year-old girl or what the household was like when my daughter hit the teenage years.  The movie was spot on.  And, if you’re a fan of kids’ movies (like me!) or you have young kids of your own, this is probably a movie you all would enjoy. I highly recommend it.

This brings me to someone else’s opinion on the film. Now, I don’t have any problem with people who aren’t into this kind of thing. I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who wouldn’t find this movie, or any kids’ movie, enjoyable at all. Different strokes for different folks, right? But when you’re a globally recognized company with a verified YouTube account and claim to be “the go-to source for today’s information and updates on new movies, tv shows, games, and celebrity news and gossip,” that’s a different story.

According to CinemaBlend’s managing director, Sean O’Connell, it’s a niche film. Now, to be fair, after having read his original review, I thought surely this O’Connell dude must be an old white guy. I was wrong. He’s a middle-aged white guy, and it shows.  So, according to this middle-aged white guy, Turning Red is relatable to only a select few, namely the film director’s friends and family. This so-called managing director goes on to add that “some Pixar films are made for universal audiences. ‘Turning Red’ is not. The target audience for this one feels very specific and very narrow. If you are in it, this might work very well for you. I am not in it. This was exhausting.”  You can check out the drama here. If you ask me, his opinion is shite, um, less than credible. He put his foot in his mouth and then shoved it in as far as it would go while saying hmmm, this tastes delicious.

Okay, let’s start with the “very specific target audience” and these are his words, not mine. The target audience, ok? So the lead is an Asian girl, and Asians alone make up nearly 60 percent of the world population. But ok, that’s just the main character. Who relates to the main character of a story anyway right? Well, the lead, as well as her friends, are all female. Wait a minute. Females? That’s like half the population, right? But for the sake of Mr. O’Connell, managing director, let’s continue. The movie is about kids, primarily young teens, and who knows how many of them exist out there in the world. I’m sure someone has the stats, but I’m guessing it’s a lot. Alright, that does it. Mr. O’Connell, managing director and middle-aged white dude, I’m going to need to see your credentials, because clearly you have no idea what you’re talking about.

So yeah, perhaps the movie’s reach isn’t such a narrow niche after all. Not to mention, that literally everyone can relate to this movie unless you somehow skipped your entire childhood. We can ALL relate to the nerves, the anxiety, the crushes, and most of us can relate to the mother who loves us but will also accept nothing less than perfection. Like I said before, it really is a coming-of-age film. Who hasn’t come of age? I mean, who can’t understand what a young person goes through?

Similarly, Luca is a film about a young boy who experiences an unforgettable seaside summer on the Italian Riviera filled with gelato, pasta, and endless scooter rides. Stay with me here for a minute. So, Luca goes on these fascinating adventures with his newly-made best friend, Alberto, but things take a mysterious turn once Luca’s deep-dark secret comes to light. The fact that he is a sea monster from a world that exists just below the ocean’s surface. Oh, and so is Alberto. It’s a great movie, don’t get me wrong. It even had a similar storyline to Turning Red – a coming-of-age tale where a young person is not all they appear to be. Both stories have a suffocating mother, and both kids want the freedom to be who they are and explore the world. It’s a well-loved movie, in fact, it was rated 4-stars by CinemaBlend. Of course, the leads were all males so therein lies the difference. Mr. Managing Director could relate to a movie about a boy-who-turns-into-a-sea-monster. A. Sea. Monster.

In regard to Turning Red, a few conservative critics have even gone as far to say that the film deals with topics that aren’t suitable for kids. Like periods and girls having crushes. *GASP* I know, right!?  I’m scarred for having watched it.  Scarred, I tell you!  You know what’s a-okay with these conservative critics though? Killing Bambi’s mother. Killing Nemo’s mother. Killing Elsa and Anna’s parents. Killing Tod’s mother (Fox and the Hound). Killing Quasimodo’s mother (Hunchback of Notre Dame). Killing Koda’s mother (Brother Bear). One word, Mufasa. Hmmm… there seems to be a pattern here. Even Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben died in the streets, just the same as Batman’s parents. What else? The hanging of Clayton in Tarzan. Sid, the sadist in Toy Story. But a story about a young teen girl getting her period and experiencing her first crush just isn’t suitable or relatable viewing material.

Here’s the kicker. CinemaBlend called Turning Red unrelatable as compared to other animated films.  What the hell are they even talking about it?  Do they mean Finding Nemo, where the lead is a fish? Or Luca, where the lead is a sea monster-boy-hybrid? Or perhaps it was Finding Dory, oh wait, that was about a different fish. It was probably Toy Story. No, wait, that’s not right either. All the leads in that one were toys. Now I know they couldn’t have been referencing the movie Cars because they were all actually cars. CARS. I love Wall-E, it’s one of my absolute favorites, but even this one is all about AI and robots. The humans in Wall-E are secondary characters at best.

So, what I’m getting out of all this is that CinemaBlend can relate more to a FISH or a TOY than they can a Chinese GIRL. I happen to love Shrek, also a fantastic movie. Soundtrack is phenomenal. It’s a film that CinemaBlend gave 4.5 stars, maybe because they relate more to ogres and donkeys than humans? Misogyny and racism has always played a role in non-kid films, but here you go folks, puffed up old middle-aged white men want to keep girls out of kids’ movies because they’re unrelatable.

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Down the Rabbit Hole

It takes me over three hours to watch a two hour movie because of all the Googling. I know I know that actor from something…now what was it? That actor was in that thing with that other actor, you know, the one from that show we watched four years ago? I’m telling you, that guy is married to the woman who was in a movie I saw ten years ago and her mother was a famous classic Hollywood actress from back in the day and you know what, they look amazingly alike. And then I have to prove what the hell I’m talking about so… yep, more Googling. Or, doesn’t that character remind you of that completely different character from that entirely different t.v. show that isn’t on anymore… and here we go down the rabbit hole of Google searches.

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Looney Logic

So, most cartoons are made for kids, right? And obviously, someone like me would never watch cartoons for fun—unless it’s Looney Toons, which is hilarious, by the way. But that’s beside the point. Where was I? Oh, yes, I never watch cartoons. Except sometimes. Sort of like that old letter “i” rule. You know the one… i before e except after c – and sometimes. So, yeah, sometimes it is.

My question with all of this is, why does all logic fly out the window when it comes to cartoons? Okay, anvil drops. Character survives. That’s no big deal. I get it. Physics and mortality rates are a whole different ballgame in the cartoon world. But why is Little Bear naked when no one else around him is? And nobody in his cartoon world acknowledges his nudity? Weird.

Then, there are the animals that walk around half-dressed. A cute tee shirt is totally appropriate. No pants, that’s fine, too. Think about it. Everyone is okay with Pooh Bear letting it all hang out, not to mention Micky Mouse, Donald and Daisy Duck, Roo, and Woodsy Owl. Oh, and Smokey the Bear even accessorizes with a hat and belt — but apparently his jeans are enough. If he were a shirtless human, those “protect the forest” ads would read a lot differently. I’m just saying.

What makes it even weirder is that in those same cartoons with the half-dressed animals, there are fully naked animals and fully dressed animals. Like Pooh gets a shirt, but Rabbit and Tigger are nude. And Mickey Mouse gets pants, but Goofy, Minnie, Pete, and Clarabelle are modest enough to be fully clothed. Or, in Tom and Jerry, Tom is naked all day. But when he visits the beach, he wears a swimsuit. Excuse me?

The examples are overwhelming. Next time you watch an animal cartoon, just pay attention.

Oh, but that’s not where the weirdness of cartoon logic stops. Animals will own other animals as pets. And all the other animals are fine with it! Or, there’s some strange animal kingdom hierarchy that makes no sense at all. Just look at Pluto and Mickey Mouse. A mouse owns a dog.

In Little Bear, Tutu is a pet dog who doesn’t speak. Her owners are humans who befriend other speaking (and clothes-wearing) animals. What?

Then, there’s Peppa Pig, who owns a goldfish, who she takes to the vet, who happens to be a hamster.

Have you ever seen Alvin and the Chipmunks? Well, in one episode, they visit the zoo. The plot thickens when Alvin gets put in a cage in a case of mistaken identity, and everyone is outraged. But where is the outrage for the non-speaking, non-clothes wearing animals on display?  What the hell is that about?

And this broken cartoon logic transforms into the downright ridiculous when you think too hard about it. There’s one scene where Donald Duck is sitting around the table with his three nephew ducklings. On the table for dinner is a roasted chicken, for fuck’s sake. Something seems deeply wrong about this.

Or the classic scene where Minnie Mouse is afraid of… a mouse.

So, the hierarchy here isn’t even based on what type of animals they are. It’s totally arbitrary. Some animals are like humans. Others are treated like animals. Or, you know, food.

Cartoon logic is, well… illogical.

Why is Road Runner just a very fast bird, while Wile E. Coyote has the wherewithal to mail order jet-powered roller skates and hand out nifty business cards? Yes, I get it, he’s a suuuuper genius.  Still.

Elmer Fudd has regular conversations with Bugs and Daffy yet tries to shoot them — and presumably eat them, anyway. Okay, well, yeah, that one I understand. I have a few coworkers I feel that way about.

As it stands, I think the incongruous nature of the cartoon world needs to be studied further. And tomorrow is Saturday. You know what that means.  Saturday morning cartoons. So, if I’m sitting in front of the t.v. with a big bowl of cereal watching cartoons all morning, it’s research, people. Research!