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Only Pre-Approved Traditions Allowed

If you’re thinking this is some sort of DIY article on how to enjoy the holidays, you should read the title again. “Pre-Approved Traditions?” What does that even mean? Well, it’s my takeaway from reading this article from Martha Stewart’s magazine and frankly, it’s a little pathetic. To say that the contents of this article rubbed me the wrong way is an understatement.

Now, I don’t celebrate the holiday season the way my parents did when I was little, or even the way I did when my kids were little for that matter. In my older years, I really try to slow things down this time of year and just enjoy it the best I can instead of running myself ragged spending money I don’t have and decorating the entire house just for me to bitch and moan about how I’m too exhausted to put the place back to rights. The fact that the ne’er-do-well (aka Holly the Cat) keeps me from having a tree tends to also hamper the holiday vibe, but oh well. Such is life with a demon.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Christmas… although, the word we throw around in my house is Yule. My favorite thing is the baking. No surprise there. The point is, I don’t decorate these days mainly because I’m lazy, but if I WERE going to decorate, my house would look like the holiday aisle at K-Mart threw up in my living room. And I’d be damned proud of it.

What sparked this rant, you might ask. Well, the article asserts that there are “8 Outdated Holiday Decorating Trends to Skip When You Deck Your Halls This Year,” which is also the name of the write-up, but whatever happened to just letting people celebrate the holidays however the hell they want to celebrate the holidays? Why do people have to suck the joy out of everything, including what is supposed to be the most “joyous time of the year.”

If you want to dress up in ugly sweaters, binge-watch Hallmark Christmas movies, and get smashed on store-bought eggnog, more power to you, just don’t drive. If you want to add a few hundred dollars to your power bill by lighting up the neighborhood with a Christmas lights display that would make Clark Griswold jealous, go for it… your carbon footprint be damned. But yeah, the point is if no one is robbing a bank or hurting anyone, then do whatever you want if it means having a good time and enjoying yourself during this festive season. And to be honest, if you want to rob a bank, just wear a good non-slipping mask and have fun.

Influencers in this article claim that instead of velvet, burlap, or satin tree skirts, we should instead consider a slimline tree collar in painted metal, shimmering metallics, or natural woven fibers. Like what in the actual hell?

It also prompts us to consider “unexpected” shades of holiday colors when decorating, though they mention blues and greens are a cool aesthetic, and I’m not sure how old they are, but blues and greens have been a staple in Christmas decorations ever since… I don’t know, forever. No bright colors, no glitter. No glitter. At Christmas.

No oversized ornaments, as less is more by their standards. I tend to agree that simple is best for me, but if you want a 12-foot inflatable snowman hypnotically dancing in the cool winter breeze as it tries in vain to seduce the giant inflatable Grinch balloon on your roof, then that’s your business. And I guess maybe all your neighbors within eyeshot.

Personally, I have a thing for neon pink metallic flamingos with glittery bright red Santa hats. So, I’m all for “you do you.”

So, instead of telling you the “proper” way to decorate your private space for this holiday season, I offer a little bit of warm friendly advice. At the risk of doing something outdated, cringe, or weird by today’s standard, especially if it’s a long-standing holiday tradition in your home, don’t worry about the judgmental eye of social influencers, and enjoy yourself however you want.

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You Don’t Mess with Tradition

It’s that time of year again, folks!  Time for me to share my favorite movie scene, one that embodies the Thanksgiving Day spirit… or at least the spirit that dwells in my house.

So while I wish you all a truly blessed and happy Thanksgiving, without further adieu, may I introduce Ms. Wednesday Addams… at her best. Happy Thanksgiving from me to you — Addams Family style.

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It’s Not Easy Being Cheesy

This is weird, right? I can’t imagine that this is a good thing. I mean, are sushi chefs everywhere counting Flamin’ Hot Cheetos as their number one go-to ingredient for the absolute best, most delicious sushi?  Now, I don’t eat sushi… but I’m guessing this dish wouldn’t be found on the menu of most sushi restaurants. It would, however, be found at the local grocery store that swears their sushi is made fresh daily, which I’ve spoken about before. I must say, I will forever be in awe of the American palate. And not in a good way. From deep-fried butter to Flamin’ Hot Cheeto sushi rolls. What will we think of next?

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Ukuleles and Airlines, Oh My!

Anyone who knows me is aware that I am an introvert. I make no bones about it. Don’t get me wrong, I still do what I have to do when I have to do it, but generally speaking, I value my private time and my personal space. So naturally, when I have to fly, these things I enjoy are  thrown completely out the window. If you’ve flown before, especially if you do it often, one of the biggest pet peeves you may have is children crying during the entire flight. However, there are a lot of folks out there who have no problem blocking that out with AirPods, a movie, or just a few decades of being a parent. But what if you were just peacefully sitting there on your flight and suddenly a few people got up and started handing out ukuleles to everyone, leading to an impromptu music lesson?

The “magical” ukulele event took place on Southwest Airlines and generated an unusually high response from the community. While there were a bunch of people who weren’t too keen on the idea (such as myself), there were also a lot of folks who somehow enjoyed it. I know, right? I’m not sure what’s wrong with them, but it takes all kinds, I guess. I should also point out that I wasn’t on the flight, I merely read about it, but I feel for any introvert in that situation. Along with the people who wanted nothing more than to catch a quick nap during their flight.

Can you imagine relaxing and leaning back (as much as you can lean back in seats made in hell), closing your eyes, and then BAM! Ukulele music … and not from talented folks, either. From people who had likely never held a ukulele before in their lives. I shudder to think. All I can say is, no. No, thanks. Let me off. I’ll catch the next flight, thank you very much.

These surprise events all started sometime before the pandemic, which is when Southwest became known for these onboard “surprise and delight” programs, but with traveling and the tourist scene slowing down, these little events have drastically slowed down as well.

One Twitter user commented, “If the flight I’m on ever turns into a surprise group music lesson I am going to sue the airline for $50 billion in emotional damages” and I can honestly say that I’m 100% in agreement with that.

Another user commented, “If you aren’t on board or you haven’t experienced it, it’s out of the ordinary, and that’s kind of the point. … It’s something special and uniquely Southwest.” Well, if that’s how Southwest flies, then I’ll be flying with literally anyone else. There could be some guy dressed as the Rocketeer flying people solely on his back to their location, and I’d be more than happy to take him up on the offer to get to my destination as long as he promised not to pull any crap like fucking ukulele lessons.

All kidding aside, this happened on a flight from Long Beach to Honolulu and while you may be wondering if it lasted the entire trip, luckily it was all pretty much over in about 20 minutes. At least the staff took pity on the passengers so they didn’t have to listen to a few dozen people trying to belt out the chords to “Freebird” on ukuleles from Cali all the way to Hawaii. Although, come to think of it, that might’ve just been self-preservation on the staff’s part.

I must admit though, a free ukulele would be kind of cool, but not as cool as a free parachute in that situation. And honestly, if you knew how I felt about jumping out of a perfectly good airplane, you’d realize how serious I am about hating an impromptu amateur ukulele concert.

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A Walk Down Halloween Lane

Ah, it’s almost Halloween. One of the best times of the year. Well, it’s one of my favorites at least, but I can’t help but feel that the overall experience has been a little lackluster for the better part of the past decade or so. Now, I’m generally not one to wistfully yearn for those “back in the day” moments because, frankly, back in the day sucked for a whole lot of people.

But the vague “back in the day” Halloween was far superior to current trends when it comes to the horror aspect. The costumes, the candy, the movies, the parties, it was all just very different. The lack of quality horror movies is a constant lament, but truly scary costumes have also all but disappeared. And it’s not just adult Halloween we’re looking at here, either. Grade schools hosted Halloween parties and the choice of costume was generally open to the imagination. If you wanted to be a rotting corpse, you could. If you wanted to dress up as a slain prom queen, more power to you. There was little that was considered “too much” but as time progressed, so did the standards in acceptable costume attire. I’m not talking about costumes that dance all over the boundaries of cultural appropriation, those costumes deserve to be left by the wayside and then some. No, I’m talking about optimizing the scare factor.

Regarding the costumes from back in the day, a lot of them were downright horrifying. Don’t believe me? Check out some old Mickey Mouse costumes on Google from the 50s and 60s and please accept my apologies in advance for the nightmare fuel they possess. Here’s a sneak peek of what you might find:

not all Disney but definitely all terror-inducing

Sure, kids nowadays are still doing the Disney thing and seemingly better than ever, as I’d be hard-pressed to go a year and not see a dozen or so Disney characters parading around the neighborhood for candy. There was one year when literally every other kid who came to my doorstep was dressed up as Elsa from Frozen or some other supporting character from the movie. And that’s great, don’t get me wrong, kids having some innocent fun is always a good thing.

But the thing is, Disney costumes of the past were downright terrifying, even when they weren’t trying to be. Maybe it was because most costumes back then were either cheaply or crudely made, and by today’s standards, it looks like something straight out of a horror film. After you take a look at those nightmare-inducing Mickey Mouse costumes, look up the antagonist from the 2013 horror film called Torment and tell me you don’t see a striking resemblance.

This lackadaisical approach at Halloween scares isn’t contained just to Disney… costumes as a whole just don’t have the eerie ghoulishness  they used to have. And I, for one, think that’s a shame.

The creepy A+ boo element doesn’t end with the costumes though. As you may or not be aware, before carving pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns, the thing to carve was turnips. Yep. Turnips. If you’ve never seen a Halloween turnip before, your first instinct may be to laugh. I mean a turnip, right? I hate to send you to Google Images twice, but it’s worth looking up I’ll just say that. Oh, what the hell, I’ll include some here just to do my part in giving you a little jump scare.

right!??

Like I mentioned at the beginning, I’m not too big on reminiscing on the old days but when it comes to Halloween, it’s an enjoyable walk down horror lane and I terrifyingly love it.

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A Kid at Heart

I really don’t think there is a generation alive that hasn’t grown up with Disney in some way, shape or form. If I remember correctly, one of the first Disney cartoons to ever come out was back in the 20s and starred Oswald the rabbit instead of Mickey Mouse. Then in the 30s, a little animated jaunt came out from the studio called Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Perhaps you’ve heard of that one? A quick online search shows that there are a few people still alive in the states who were born between 1905 and 1910 who would have been in their 20s when Disney started making short cartoons which means even the oldest people in America had a little Disney in their early adult years. My generation grew up in front of the tv on Sunday evenings with The Wonderful World of Disney (followed by Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom).

All of this to say that it’s easy to see how kids grow into adults who are Disney babies at heart. I even know of childless couples who have no issue with going to Disneyland or Disney World or even confessing that they are obsessed with all things Disney. They even have Disney-themed weddings with nary a child in sight.  I have friends in their 30s and 40s who readily admit that they’ve watched all the classics such as Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Fantasia, Lion King, etc., and why not? I mean, we were all young once, right?  And if Disney is to be believed, we’re all young still.

But what about when an adult watches a Disney movie by themselves in today’s day and age? Well, depending on who you ask, that’s a whole different story. I’ve recently learned that it’s somewhat of a taboo subject and it’s where a lot of adults (especially men) draw the line. Admit that you like cartoons? Oof. Some people will definitely give you a few looks. I mean, I’m a Looney Tunes gal, love the show, and always have. Animaniacs?  I am so there. I love Pixar and Disney movies too and even a few that fall outside the franchise names we all know, like FernGully (20th Century Fox), The Land Before Time (Universal), Spirited Away (Studio Ghibli), Howl’s Moving Castle (also Studio Ghibli), and many more. There are a lot of well-done animated features that I’d happily recommend to anyone looking for a good wholesome film to watch.

When my kids were younger, it was easy to get my cartoon fix. No one bats an eye at a mom taking their kid to the movies or plopping down on the couch to watch a round of Pinky and the Brain. I had plenty of “Oh, I’m just taking the kids to the movies!” or “I bought it for the kids!” moments. Yeah, that’s right, the kids. I’m sure there was a time or two when they were like, “but mom, I don’t want to watch Lady and Tramp again” and I’d snap back with, “too bad, we’re watching it anyway.” I may or may not be joking about that previous statement. But with my little ones not so little anymore, it’s become a bit more challenging to act like a grown-up while trying to enjoy my animated guilty pleasures. Now, along comes Bluey, which I actually came across by accident during a work trip while flipping through the channels of the hotel room tv late at night. But without a doubt, it instantly became one of my all-time favorites.  I mean, come on!  Cute little pups with Aussie accents?  Yes, please!

Don’t get me wrong, I just don’t sit there yearning for cartoons regularly or turn on Amazon Prime and binge a season or two of SpongeBob SquarePants. Pfft. Of course, I don’t. I like dramas and action movies, and I consider myself a sucker for a good ole horror flick just as much as the next person, but who’s to say adults can’t enjoy an animated feature every now and again?

Either way, I’m going to do me and just assume that there are tons of people out there who feel the same way but just don’t want to admit they enjoy the occasional cartoon from time to time. Now excuse me, Bluey is on.

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They’ll Put a Spell on You

Has this ever happened to you? It’s a nice, crisp, fall weekend evening after a long, hard week of work and you’re ready to cuddle up with some cider, a blanket, and a spooky movie – as one does this time of year – when all of a sudden, boom!  All hell is unleashed on you and your home through that nefarious streaming platform… Disney+.

No? Didn’t think so.

A Texas mom recently voiced her concerns about the new kids’ Halloween movie “Hocus Pocus 2” on the scariest place known to mankind: Facebook. From there, her warning to other parents went viral and the internet exploded into fiery pits of discussion threads mainly consisting of like-minded “Christians” killing the vibes of spooky season. Jamie Gooch, head fun-sucker, stated that “the whole movie is based on witches harvesting children for blood sacrifices” which is, ironically, the same thing Texas conservatives say about pro-choicers. I don’t know about you, but I sense a theme.

In interviews, Gooch goes on further to say, “Everybody thinks it’s fake and innocent, but they could be casting any type of spell that they want to, anything could be coming through that TV screen into your home.” Which is beyond ridiculous logic. I mean, come on. I am an avid viewer of “The Great British Baking Show” and “Love Island” but I have never once had a hot British snack, um, you know, a scone, come through my TV. Even when I prayed AND tried numerous spells.

Gooch, perhaps unsurprisingly, identifies as a Christian and stated that she and her family have not participated in Halloween in about four or five years because they’re not like regular Christians, they’re cool Christians. Okay, that last part I did make up, but it’s not hard to imagine Gooch trying to use a “Mean Girls” pop culture quote to her advantage when we all know she’s the type of person who would constantly try to make fetch happen.

She did in fact say that “For a Christian, we are held at a higher standard.” But I think Rotten Tomatoes would disagree. “Hocus Pocus 2” received a 63% on the tomatometer scale, while “The Passion of the Christ” got a 49% – define higher standard, Gooch.

It’s no surprise that right-wingers are so vehemently and loudly against any form of entertainment surrounding witchcraft. Witchcraft at its core is female centric. But hey, to be fair, they don’t like wizards either. Or at least, not the magical kind. Remember back in the late 1990s and early 2000s when the alt-right religious folks were so afraid of the Harry Potter novels? Even though the series got a generation of kids loving books, they called for a boycott to “save the children’s souls” and in some areas, the books were publicly burned “to fight demonic influence.” Conservatives were quick to write off J.K. Rowling entirely because of all the wizardry and magic, yet 20-some years later it turns out she has more in common with their bigoted views than we could have imagined. Quite frankly, conservatives, you can have her, and we’ll gladly keep the Sanderson Sisters.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try and cast a spell for that hot British snack.

 

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Perfection is Overrated

I know I’ve been a bit quieter than usual here lately. No excuses really, just life getting in the way. But I figure you’ve had enough downtime from my tirades, so I’m determined to get back into the game on a more regular basis. Lucky you. Today felt like kind of a rant-y day, so again, lucky you!

Being a huge animal lover, there’s always been something that I just don’t understand. How is it that we can continue to encroach on wildlife and then wonder why they end up in our space? As humans continue to cut down tree after tree, painstakingly eliminating the vital forests of our planet, people somehow act surprised when a bear, deer, or alligator stumbles into your backyard. If we keep destroying their homelands, then we’re going to have to come to terms with having animal neighbors. And not in the “we’ll just kill them all” way that we’re doing now.

Well, I’ll admit, I don’t really want a bear sniffing around my house, but I’m also aware that not pissing it off and simply chasing it away with a few loud noises will do the trick just fine. Aside from those adorable little trash pandas, which most people call raccoons, animals don’t typically want to go through your trash. And honestly, raccoons would probably not have to dumpster dive either. They, like all animals, would rather survive on the natural bounty provided by their native habitats.  Those same exact habitats that are being wiped out by, you guessed it, us humans. We create the problem and then complain about the problem we created. Oh, but those darn little critters, right? Deer tearing up the flower bed, opossums in the trash, squirrels stealing stuff from the garden… to hell with these pesky pests, right? Let’s all just ignore the reason these animals are forced into an urban lifestyle in the first place.

Here’s an idea. Maybe the space we are trying to evict them from was never our space to begin with. To them, we’re the pests. Consider the Merriam-Webster definitions of the word pest.

  • A plague.
  • Something resembling a pest in destructiveness.
  • Someone or something who annoys, aka a nuisance.

Humans appear to fit the mold quite nicely.  Considering the pollution and war we brought to this planet, and our constant failure at caring for it, we are arguably the most destructive plague in history.

Destructiveness? That little chipmunk dug a hole in your flowerbed because some lumber company just cleared out 20 acres of its habitat for that new development down the way. Shame on that rodent right? What was more destructive, the golf ball-sized hole under your chrysanthemums or wiping out an entire forest? Perfect lawns. Perfect gardens. Perfect perfect perfect. Animals apparently have no place in this façade of perfection.

A nuisance or something that annoys. The third definition of the word pest is pretty much exclusive to humans, gnats, houseflies, and mosquitoes. If you asked me to name 5 things that I find utterly annoying (aside from gnats, houseflies, and mosquitoes), I’m almost positive they would all be human-related. Let’s try.

  1. Being cut off while driving.
  2. Being placed on hold for longer than 5 minutes.
  3. Cold pizza and warm wine.
  4. Most movie remakes.
  5. People doing TikToks in the grocery store in front of the frosted shredded mini-wheats I have a coupon for.

Before you even argue with me, I get it, I do.  You don’t want potentially life-threatening animals near your home, especially if you have children around. But if you live out in the country, this is just a part of life and you need to learn how to cope with it. Preferably without killing the animals who don’t realize that your home is now smack dab in the middle of what used to be their exclusive space.

If you’re closer to town and you’re dealing with pesky little critters like groundhogs and snakes, there are things you can do to safely deter them from certain areas of your property while still allowing them to, you know, live. If you’re a victim of chipmunk abuse, just pull up Google and look for natural and safe deterrents from these highly hostile, albeit teeny-tiny, monsters. That was sarcasm, of course, chipmunks are cute and harmless, but here, I’ll even do you one solid and give you a link to get started. Or, hey, here’s a novel idea, you could do what you’re always expecting everyone else around you to do… share.

Instead of worrying about the perfect lawn or the perfectly organized flower bed filled with ornamental flora, why not sow wildflowers and plants that attract and feed the wildlife you share this space with? Why not make your garden an oasis for all manner of creatures who, frankly, deserve to be here as much as you do? Instead of finding ways to oust them, find ways to grow your empathy and coexist with the animals.

We have destroyed the majority of the natural habitats that used to grace this planet right along with most of the animals who called those habitats home. It’s now up to us to maintain what is left and to ensure that the wildlife can stay wild and healthy. It’s a ridiculously easy thing to do once you get past the whole “mine mine mine” mindset.