Morning Routines

As I shimmy and shake and sweat during my usual morning routine, I wonder, who needs the gym or the cost of a personal trainer when all I have to do to get a serious aerobic work-out is put on my pantyhose every morning?  Come to think of it, there are some complicated yoga moves thrown in to my dressing ritual fitness regimen as well — I routinely contort myself into impossible positions worthy of a yogi master.

Aerobics, strength exercises, and yoga … hey, I’m nothing if not well-rounded. Ha! See what I did there? Well-rounded! Get it? Because being well-rounded is what necessitates my way-too-early-in-the-morning calisthenics session to begin with … because, I’m round, get it?  Oh, never mind.

 

Relationship Goals

I apologize for the radio silence for the past couple of days. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say, cancer sucks. In fact, fuck cancerand all of the insidious little ways it steals away your loved ones, even while they’re still here. No, it’s not me … but rather, my dad.  I may go into a long-winded rant about that another time. For today, seeing him and my mother together this past week (my whole life really, but especially in recent times of severe stress), I feel as though I might could be persuaded to dip a toe back into the dating pool yet again in an effort to find the kind of loyalty and love that my parents share. Yeah, yeah, I know my luck in that area has been less than stellar, but who knows? Maybe one of these times, it’ll all be worthwhile.

To that end, I found this nifty profile description that is really quite apt. Whatcha think? Is honesty really the best policy? Seriously though, if that special someone won’t share rainy days spent in our PJs while drinking God knows what and binge watching Netflix, are they really the one for me?

 

I Choose You!

Okay, so, for those who don’t have a frame of reference, “I choose you!” alludes to the ever elusive Pokemon from a game which, up until recently, saw far more activity in my house than it had any right to. In this game, I’m told – because I never played, you’re supposed to throw a poke-ball at whatever poor creature you’re trying to capture, hit it in the head with said ball, and trap it. I’m not sure if it should be considered a fun game or serial killer training. But there you go.

Now that that’s cleared up, onward people. I was perusing the photos on my phone for no good reason when I came across one I could not remember taking. As it turns out, I didn’t take it. My daughter did, at some point during the Christmas season when we were out and about and her own phone’s battery had expired.

I CHOOSE YOU!

This is a handy-dandy form of mistletoe, if you ask me. Now, the reasonable part of my mind realizes that this mistletoe is made for “on the move” Christmas kissing and that the handle is meant for the bearer to simply “hold” the mistletoe over someone’s head. But…the asshole unreasonable part of my mind couldn’t help but think this would be an ideal tool for cracking someone over the head while simultaneously screaming: “I CHOOSE YOU!” It would certainly make that boring Christmas party a lot more interesting. Especially if the liquor is flowing and that hot guy from the corner office on the third floor shows up.

 

 

* Since we live in a day and age where stipulations have become a necessity, let it be known that I am in no way condoning or encouraging the use of said item for bashing someone in the head…whether for kisses or just because the person was annoying.  Okay, well, maybe if they’re annoying, but that’s IT people! 

** Per my lawyer’s advice, one more caveat: no-one, and I mean no-one, should ever come to this blog looking for advice. I am not responsible for my own actions most of the time, I certainly cannot be responsible for yours.