Got Demons?

I wish I could say that the below graphic is from a funny site or a tongue-in-cheek book on cults or even a dark arts list from bygone days where exorcisms and wooden stakes were handed out willy-nilly.  But no, it’s from a modern-day group of demonologists – led by an “end times” pastor.  I had hoped that the site would still prove satirical, but I have yet to find any proof of that. Instead, it appears to be on the up and up.  For whatever that’s worth.  Which is both scary and sad. I’m hoping someone proves me wrong by finding the small print I have overlooked…you know, that teeny-tiny legal disclaimer stating the site is “for entertainment purposes only.”  Trust me, pointing out my mistake in this instance would make me feel better all around.  As it is, I can only take this list and the site itself at face value. Oh, did I mention the “end times” pastor in question also writes books? Yeah, apparently, he does, along with marketing videos and podcasts as well. Go figure.

click the pic to dive down the rabbit hole

Not content with your everyday demons, this particular end times pastor also delves into the mayhem that aliens and fairies spread far and wide…specifically their predilection for giving food to unwary travelers in an attempt to swoop them away. I know, I know, I shouldn’t make fun. Fairy kidnappings are not a thing to mock. My friend’s cousin’s wife’s brother-in-law’s neighbor was taken by a fairy back in 1973 and they haven’t heard from him since. It was horrible. The family never recovered. Or so I heard from my friend’s cousin thrice-removed.

Nothing if not versatile, the good pastor also advises and counsels people for mental illness and developmental disabilities of all kinds – but only in so far as he believes these poor souls to be possessed by demons. According to him, from what I’ve read on his site that is, all manner of illness or variation from the so-called norm (whatever the hell that is) – from anxiety to depression to autism to dissociative identity disorder, are part and parcel of demonic possession. He helps his followers by somehow expelling said demons and abracadabra, they’re cured of whatever ails them. I’m telling you, this guy must be really fun at parties.

Oh! Did I mention fallen angels?  Yeah, there’s fallen angels we have to watch out for too, besides Satan, that is. Of course there are. They’re different from demons you know. Obviously. I’m not sure why these end times people aren’t spending their time and energy on praying for Satan and any other fallen angel…I mean, if anyone out there needs prayers of salvation and a bit of simple humanity, it’s Satan and his merry band of fallen angels.

Now, I’m not one to question another person’s faith. Everyone faces the world and whatever might lay beyond it in their own way. If that’s through organized religion or howling at the moon, to each their own and I wish them well, truly. But it’s this kind of thing that I just can’t respect or get behind. Trading on fears and cult mentality is always, at its center, for the benefit of the so-called leader…not those who follow. As it just so happens, this pastor also wrote a book back in the day on starting your own business. Wonder if it includes a step-by-step guide on how to become a door-to-door exorcism salesman? I might want to get in on that gig. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I hear my evil “mom look,” the one I would give my kids when they were doing something wrong in public (but were too far away to grab) struck fear in everyone within viewing distance, not just my kids. So, I think I could work some good old-fashioned discipline on a pesky ol’ demon. As Scrappy would say, “let me at ‘em!  Let me at ‘em!

Not to mention, that according to this list, I’ve just accrued a myriad of new reasons as to why I’m going to hell. As if I needed more reasons. Sure, just pile on, why not? But hey, it’s clear now that the demons have hold of me (my ex would say he’s known that the whole time) — my brimstone-heated road to hell is not my fault. It was paved by yoga and Harry Potter and *cough* Twilight (shhh, that one’s a secret) and goodness (badness?) knows what else. So at least there’s that.

Working for the Weekend

It’s not my job, really, that annoys me so. I actually love what I do and the idea that I’m making a difference for those who have no voice. But here I am, in the middle of a Thursday afternoon, driven insane by the people I deal with on a daily basis, just wishing for a time jump like they do in the movies — you know, to move the plot along — so I can just get to the weekend already.

 

Hind Sight

I saw the below picture prior to reading the so-called article (which is fake, by the way) and couldn’t help but immediately ask: whose eyeballs!?  Are they human? Are they snake eyeballs…or maybe chicken, or what? Then I thought, nooo, they have to be glass eyeballs – like maybe the guy worked at a marble factory or something and the writer meant those nifty cat-eye shooters or perhaps he works for a medical office and couldn’t resist the pretty little glass eyes that would look oh-so-perfect in his creepy little home-made dolls that somehow look just like his old school chums – because no one in their right mind would do something as crazy as stuff real flesh and blood eyeballs into his anal cavity, right? Right!? Come on, work with me here people.

I had no doubt that IF such a thing were true, copious amounts of alcohol would somehow be involved (it sort of goes without saying), so it would truly be anyone’s guess as to the origins of said eyeballs.  And really…does it even matter?  That was the crux of the rapid-fire internal discourse that bounced wildly around in my head. Oh yes, I know it may seem like it would be worse if they were in fact human eyeballs and certainly no-one, least of all me, wants to contemplate the idea that there may be a serial killer out in the world who steals eyeballs to use as anal beads – which sounds like a great plot for a gruesome B-horror movie if you ask me.  But seriously, if you have the mindset to stuff eyeballs of any sort into your anal cavity to begin with, isn’t one eyeball as good bad as another?

As it happens, they were bovine eyeballs. But that’s really inconsequential in my mind. It’s the act that fascinates me most of all.  I mean, who wakes up and thinks: “When I go to work today, I’m going to steal eyeballs, and I’m not just going to walk out of there with those lovely orbs in a bag or jar, or even my lunch pail, oh no…that’s for amateurs. Pfft. I’m going to stuff those babies right up my you-know-what because I’m nothing if not fully committed to this endeavor.”  As it turns out, thankfully, no-one. At least no-one who has been caught red…ummm…handed.  As I stated from the beginning, the article was fake, but still, it made for an interesting little debate in my head as to what constitutes acceptable eyeballs for anal stuffing. And isn’t that what all good journalists should do?  Make their audience think!?

 

eyeballs in anal cavity