Sex has become such a predictable part of novels and movies that it isn’t a matter of if the protagonists are going to get it on, it’s when are they going to get busy. For me the burning question is, where are our sex-starved lovebirds going to get it on? It seems no setting is too awkward and no place is off-limits. I recently watched Jurassic World to familiarize myself with how the movie left off before seeing the next one. Out of all the special effects, blood, gore, body parts and roaring dinosaurs, one scene struck me as ridiculous. Towards the end, in a burning street with pterodactyls swooping around them and picking up kids to carry them off for unpleasant pterodactyl things, with dinosaurs thundering towards them while they were covered in dirt, sweat and blood, the protagonists stood atop an overturned car and shared a passionate kiss. Really? No matter how much I like the guy, I’m not thinking swallowing tonsils is an appropriate response to rampaging dinosaurs. Maybe that’s why Chris Pratt isn’t knocking down my door.
In staged sex scenes, everything is smooth and perfect. The bedroom is large enough to house a family of four and their seven cats, three dogs, and parakeet. The participants’ clothes slide off and fold themselves nicely on the chair. Candles light themselves with no outside help. The bed is neatly made and no one trips over the comforter. No one’s head slides between the pillows, and the female never gets her hair stuck under her back or in the male’s armpit. No one giggles like a child over noises or says “eww.” When it’s over, everyone finds their socks. Flawless execution, beginning to end.
What really fascinates me are the shower scenes. Somehow our extraordinarily perfect heroes fit into a perfect shower perfectly. Where can I find these showers? I don’t want to have shower sex with anyone, I just want to find a shower that would fit two people in it to begin with. And who the hell has a bathroom the size of my living room? Seriously, I just want their living quarters.
Let’s compare, shall we?
Movie shower scene:
Female is in shower, hair slicked back and sexy with water. Gentle billows of steam frame her naughty bits as the chiseled male slides back the glass door. He lifts her effortlessly, pushing her against the wall or pushes her against the glass door for added visual fun for the viewer. These two are obviously Yoga masters. They kiss passionately, the deed is done, and suddenly they are having coffee in the kitchen while wearing bathrobes.
Female is in the shower with mud mask on her face, shaving her legs while her hair is lathered. Male pulls aside the shower curtain. Female protests about the puddles of water now all over the floor. Male diligently adjusts shower curtain. He turns to female and attempts to lift her smoothly, but her skin is slippery so…not so much. They both pretend they meant to stand at the awkward angle in which they now find themselves. Male reaches around female to lower the temperature of the water. Female turns it back up. Both struggle to stay under the spray so no one is left out, shivering in the cold. Kissing ensues, followed by spitting mouthfuls of water out as sexily as they can. They turn in the space, about as large as a kitchen cabinet (if you lived in a studio apartment, that is), to find an angle where they can fulfill their shower fantasy. Bottles of shampoo go flying off shelves, and the shower-caddy is knocked to the floor. Female ignores it because bending over to pick it up is…not sexy. She is covertly trying to wipe shampoo from her now burning eyes. Feet are placed in shallow corners of the tub in a vain attempt to balance. What transpires next depends on the height differences of our heroes, but it probably isn’t pretty. Afterwards, male plops down in front of TV to watch football while female straightens the bathroom and mops water off the floor.
Couch sex isn’t pretty, either. Somehow in movies they find couches that are seven feet long and six feet wide. Our heroes will never know the frustration of sliding pillows, or the victory of finding a Dorito between the cushions. They won’t hit their shins on the coffee table or knock over the lamp, or know the special joy of a dog trying to get on the couch, too.
Let’s face it, real sex isn’t necessarily pretty. I honestly don’t want the perfection of movie sex, because the laughter is part of what makes it so enjoyable. Our heroes never seem to make the mistakes that make sex so fun.
But damn, I would love to have their houses.