Good news, indeed! Enjoy! Now, where did I put my glass!?
Tucked in between “news articles” about alien abductions and man-eating butterflies on the World News Daily Report, I found this gem hidden away. Long story short, it claims that an elderly lady trained her cats to steal jewelry from her neighbors; the epitome of “cat burglars.”
I admit, there is a part of me that wishes this was a true story. I could absolutely get on board with training my cats to do cool things other than bringing me dead bugs. Let’s face it, though; cats only do what they want to do, and it always involves a smug, self-serving attitude and a “what’s in it for me” end goal.
I can see me, 20 years from now, in full Crazy Cat Lady mode. I’d train my cats to do things like weed my garden, mow my lawn, put away the dishes, and fold the laundry. In my fantasy, I am the ruler of the roost, the commander of the cats, the kitty whisperer. The truth is, I live to serve my cats. They have me so well trained that I respond to the smallest puking noises they make, even from a dead sleep. I have given all of my furniture to them to use as thrones, perches, or beds. I believe all of the cat food commercials I see, and my cats eat better than I do. I clean litter boxes religiously and keep lint rollers to clean off the clothing that my cats allow me to wear when they aren’t using it as a bed.
On that note, the article makes me laugh when it references that these cats were voluntarily malnourished; apparently, according to the report, they deliberately made themselves seem skinny and underfed so that people would take them in to their homes to feed them. After the neighbors opened their hearts and homes to the skeletal felines, the cats would abscond with anything of value. Only then would the elderly cat-keeper reward them with food.
Really? If I tried to train my cats this way, they would laugh at me. “What’s in it for me? Better make it worth my while. And don’t even think about not feeding us, we know where the treats are. More important, we know where you sleep.”
Now I have no doubt that a cat COULD think of this clever scheme. The only thing that keeps cats from taking over the world is the lack of opposable thumbs. But would they really want to? And perhaps therein lies the real reason cats don’t rule world…they simply can’t be bothered.
Let’s review the cons against this whole organized feline crime spree:
Now, let’s review the reasons cats would voluntarily choose to do something, heck anything, at all:
Lastly, let’s consider the odds of a cat being trained by a human to do something that he does not already want to do:
As much as I wish this story could be true, I think this will forever be relegated to the land of satire.
And that’s probably a good thing.
Catnip? No, I haven’t been doing catnip. I haven’t even seen any catnip. You’ve got the wrong cat, lady.
In route between my little town and the next biggest town – keeping in mind, over here, these size estimations are all relative – is a billboard advertising a casino located one state over. The message on this billboard changes monthly and often depends on who the headlining entertainer is or what the latest “jackpot” includes, such as $3 million and an SUV, or some such thing. Anyway, this month’s message is “My casino is my family…” and it had a woman surrounded by happy, smiling, hugging people – presumably casino employees.
On our first drive by this new sign, without missing a beat, my daughter, ever the smart-ass intelligent woman stated “If your casino is your family, then you have a problem. Cause that sounds like an addiction. That’s not a billboard for a casino, that’s a cry for help right there.” Then, having voiced this sage observation, she went back to looking at her phone without another word.
Although her perfect, deadpan delivery doesn’t translate well to the written word, I’m telling you, this girl has a serious shot at a successful stand-up career.
While we wait for my daughter’s future to manifest, I’ll leave you with some words of wisdom from the queen of deadpan herself, Margaret Smith.
You know, there is really nothing like a trip to the grocery store — with all that entails, including the ill-mannered, deliberately slow-moving people in the aisles and the rude people at the check-out and the downright annoying people in the parking lot hell-bent on their
suicidal mission game of chicken — to make you truly understand that you still have a long way to go in realizing your goal of being a “good person.”
Ah, well. Tomorrow is another day.
So. I got an email from Etsy today. You might not think this about me, but I love Etsy. However, this latest email had me questioning…myself, not them. Specifically, I had issues with the subject line. In this particular case, issues = confusion.
The subject line was: Start Double Tapping.
Now, as it turns out, what they meant was “double clicking” on the photo links, or in other words, buying stuff.
What yours truly took away from that subject line: Get ready for the zombie apocalypse. I’m not sure what that says about me.
I love to be validated. I mean, who doesn’t, right?
Things I would love to find out I am right about include: tofu not only tastes bad, but it is bad for you, being a couch potato adds ten years to your life, and drinking regularly is good for you. While the jury is still out on tofu, a study published here gives me reason to dream again.
Yes folks, it is true. Drinking two drinks per day will allow you to live to 90+ years. Read that again, my friends. Drinking two drinks per day is “more likely to extend life past 90 than exercise.” All this time, I’ve been doing it right. Take THAT, health fanatics! While you’ve all been out doing healthy things like “walking,” “working out,” and “getting up from the couch on occasion,” I’ve been sipping wine, with the remote by my side, on the sofa and adding years – years, people! – to my life.
I wonder how many other things we will find out are good or bad for us that we never imagined. My dream list would include:
Housecleaning is dangerous for your health: Think about it. You are inhaling dust, subjecting your body to strange chemicals, and moving. The moving alone, per the study above, is obviously not that good for you after all. And talk about physical harm? I have tripped over the vacuum cleaner cord many times in my quest for a clean house; dear God, I could have died!
Fast food is good for you: GMO vegetables and fruit…why bother? With a good old fashioned #3 from your favorite fast food menu, you know exactly what you are getting. Well, sort of. It may or may not be meat that may or may not have been from a farm animal, but you get the gist. I’m not even sure about those fries. Don’t be lazy, though; get out of the car and walk up to the counter to add some moderate exercise to your fast food routine (I’m told this also helps in getting one’s order correct).
Laundry is a bad idea: From water waste to chemicals, laundry surely is bad for both you and the environment. Disposable clothes made from biodegradable material is the answer here. No need to fold, put away, hand wash, put away, separate, put away, or put away your laundry ever again. Also, you never need to put away your laundry ever again. Just so you know, I keep track of this stuff, so no-one better steal my ideas.
Paying bills is bad for you: This, of course, is a big one. The anguish of money pouring out of your account. The possibility of stolen identity with each online bill paid. Surely, paying bills has to be a danger to your mental health. Let’s band together and just stop paying those pesky things; our lives will be longer, happier and stress free. Hey, who turned out the lights!?
Chocolate is an undiscovered food group on that omnipresent pyramid: I think the Aztecs and Mayans had this one right. One day, scientists will figure out that chocolate is its own food group. They will study it and assign it a place on the food pyramid. Health coaches and nutritionists will recommend five to six servings a day. It will also be discovered that chocolate has the side effect of weight loss.
Rest assured, I will be scouring the news in search of more vindication of my border-line slovenly lifestyle. Until I find more proof that my way of life is healthy, I will be knocking back a few glasses of Pinot Gris Health Juice and watching reruns on the couch.