Me, Myself, and I

On a recent trip to a store that was half pharmacy, half general store, and half weird knick-knack closet that deserved its own episode of hoarders but an episode that is geared to a much more upscale audience (and yes, I realize I obviously can’t do math in my head), I stumbled across a good amount of meaningless, albeit amusing items. Quite honestly, it’s my new favorite place to hang out. I couldn’t afford anything there, but hey, I loved it nonetheless.

After spending quite a bit of time in the card aisle laughing all by myself like a loon, Sarah having abandoned me for her own exploration of this quirky piece of Heaven, one gift-y sort of item in particular caught my eye.  At first I only saw it as a gag gift, but it soon dawned on me that in this day and age it could be seen as a heartfelt present.  It was a photo album for selfies. Selfies! Let that sink in for a minute. Oh and we’re not talking some plain, unobtrusive, perhaps even elegantly designed album.  Oh no.  It was bright red, leather-bound, and the cover has a mirror.  A freakin’ mirror, people! And inside are empty pages reserved for pictures of most people’s favorite subject…themselves. You can make a scrapbook of nothing but self-portraits. You laughing hard. You on vacation. You with a hot new haircut. You making a sexy face.

I thought this was a pretty funny little book. But we’re living in 2016. Selfies are a way of life now. The thought hit me that, oh my god, if you gave this book to a certain class of people (and you know who you are), instead of seeing the sarcastic intent they might get a little teary-eyed at the thoughtfulness.

I can already tell many of you reading this are thinking “Who would take this gift seriously!?” but gag gift or not, at $25.95 it’s a pretty pricey joke. For a hardcore selfie enthusiast this is a solid purchase, a way to preserve their uncontainable beauty even more. And people must buy it. If not, it’d be in the $2 bargain bin.  If this place had a $2 bargain bin. Which it didn’t. A $10 bargain bin maybe.

The truly funny thing is, those people who would take the book seriously, and trust me, I know a few…I can see them taking pictures of the pictures they place inside their nifty little selfie book and posting THOSE online with a comment “Just look at me…hanging out and adding a new pic to my selfie book. Isn’t it perfect?! I said, look at me! Just look!”

 

selfie book

yep, that’s a mirror.

 

selfie book_lol

because I’m just so funny!

 

selfie book_no filter

au naturel.  yeah, right.

 

selfie book_on vacay

who are we kidding? this one would be photo-shopped because since when do I have money to go on vacation??

Gift Giving Gone Wrong

Did you know that gifts can be categorized much more accurately than just good or bad? On the good side you have “best gift ever,” “I can’t believe you remembered,” and “they know me so well” just to name a few. That’s boring, though. What I want to talk about are the various shades of bad gifts.

You have the good bad gift that makes you shake your head and laugh because it’s just so darn tacky but ultimately lovable. There’s the “I really don’t like you but instead of telling you that in words I’m going to let the crappy gift I give you deliver the message” gift. Then there’s the “complete waste of money – I wouldn’t even buy it for a white elephant party” gift.

Enter Twinkle Tush! The most idiotic way to spend money that I’ve seen in a long, long, long, long time. It’s a jewel that you hang from your cat’s tail to cover up its exposed butt. Yes, you read that correctly. It’s a blinged-out butt cover for cats.

No, it’s not supposed to be taken seriously. The company is very clear on their website (albeit at the very, very bottom of the page) that this is a gag gift, but still, I don’t get the “gag” part at all (okay, well maybe I do gag, but you know what I mean). It’s shocking to me that someone, a team even, had enough money to put together a whole web page, find manufacturers, coordinate with vendors, set shipping rates, and filmed promotional videos for such a stupid gag gift.

And that’s not mentioning the people who fall for it. I’d love to be in a financial situation that’s so comfortable that I can waste $6 (plus shipping) on a useless trinket for my cat’s butt. Or worse yet, for someone else’s cat’s butt. I can see it now, everyone sitting around at the party watching the cat flaunt its butt bling.  What kind of party do you even have where you buy a gift for a cat? I know one thing for sure; there must be a lot of alcohol involved to have this kind of thing as entertainment.

You know what’d be even less stupid? Filming myself taking six dollar bills, ripping them up, flushing them down the toilet, and giving that video to someone as a gift. Maybe with a cool song playing in the background or something.

Point is, this butt cover is the bottom (pun! see what I did there?) of the barrel for dumb gifts. I know all gag gifts are inherently goofy, but this one just takes the cake. You’re basically spending $6 for maybe 10 minutes of sketchy entertainment from an item which, if you’re pretty normal, will then end up thrown in a drawer never to be seen again.

But hey, if you insist on throwing away your six bucks, you can always cut out the middleman of bad gift makers and just send the cash right to me. I won’t even charge you shipping.