With a Spooky Girl Like You…

Mark Twain made an interesting observation that may or may not be true, but these days it certainly makes sense. “Man is the only animal who blushes…or needs to.” The “…or needs to” is the key phrase here. We do some pretty crazy things, that’s for sure. When it comes to sex, crazy can get even crazier. A case in point is a 27-year-old English woman who claims to have such mind-blowing sex with ghosts that she has given up having sex with men.

Amethyst Realm (yes, that’s her name – I couldn’t make this up any better if I tried), of Bristol, says that she’s had sex with over “twenty ghosts.” The first time was 12 years ago when she felt a “presence in the house” which, naturally, just escalated to doing the deed. At which point, she was hooked. This ethereal affair lasted for three years until her husband came home early from work one day and caught her. Or rather, caught the shadow of her lover on the wall of their shared home. While no details were given about this “unveiling” of the truth, presumably the marriage ended at that point because her husband isn’t mentioned again in her story. If you ask me, I think that her infidelity would have been the least of her husband’s concerns. But hey, that’s just me.

Undeterred by this turn of events, Ms. Realm apparently let the spirit world know that she was available for some spectral shenanigans, because over 20 ghosts have since stopped by. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m not slut spirit-shaming by any means. The sex is so good, she claims, that she’s given up on living, breathing men altogether. Hey, to each their own, I guess…?

To take it one step further, she even wants to get pregnant by one of her ghostly companions. I’m not sure if she’s discussed this with her spectral buddies or not, but I can’t help but think that ghosts aren’t exactly up for co-parenting. I could be wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time, won’t be the last. But I’ve always assumed that hauntings and otherworldly goings-on would take up a huge chunk of their time. I’m also really curious as to how child support would work in that scenario…or, if the baby took after dear old Dad, how she would even keep track of her spawn offspring (cause, you know, it would be invisible), but, whatever. I’m not even going to touch on the intricacies of childbirth. If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that ghost-human pregnancies are nothing if not a very, very bad idea.

Now, I’m not saying that Ms. Realm has lost it. That’s not my place. I will say, however, that I hope she gets the help she so desperately needs. Whether that’s from a shrink or a demonologist is up for grabs.

Some psychiatrists believe that she suffers from “sleep paralysis.”  It’s a condition where one gets stuck between a sleeping state and wakefulness. You feel immobilized. You can sense a “presence” near you. You can feel as though someone is touching you. I guess at that point, anything can happen. Our minds are strange, complicated things.

If, per chance, her story belongs in the true-romance section of the bookstore, instead of the horror section…it flies in the face of everything I’ve ever learned about paranormal activity and my entire life has been a lie. With the one exception of “The Entity,” I’m much more accustomed to ghosts and other demonic entities trying to murder people in incredibly creative ways instead of searching the earthly realm for hook-ups.

Truth be told, maybe she’s just having a bit of fun with all of us. Then again, maybe it’s just a spooky kind of love.

 

Horror House for Sale

I think I found a legit haunted house. No, no, really. A legit haunted house. Or at least a home worthy of a gory horror movie, if not of the ghostly variety.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about relocating so I’ve been doing some light research on Zillow, realtor.com, and other real estate sites when I stumbled across one of the most bizarre postings I’ve ever read. Now, I’ve noticed the home seems to be making the rounds on social media lately (obviously I’m not the only person trolling real estate ads) but just in case you haven’t seen it, I thought I would share. Oh, and just for the record, while the “for sale” ad has been removed from Zillow and realtor.com (probably because it’s causing quite the stir), I did snag some screenshots which I will happily share.

Everything started out well and good with the listing. Just what you’d expect. The opening picture of the house was lovely. The information about the number of bathrooms and bedrooms seemed normal. The square footage was right in the sweet spot that most people look for. I thought to myself, “This house looks great” and continued to read up about it. It didn’t take long for things to take a very dark, very creepy turn for the worse.

photo courtesy of realtor.com – click picture to go to site where more pics are shown

The first cause for concern? There was a tenant still living in the house. That’s not weird in and of itself, but as the listing explained, this tenant cannot be disturbed and while he or she is on a lease, they pay no rent and cannot be evicted for non-payment. So, basically it’s just an entity floating around the property that you can’t get rid of or take any action to remove. Kinda sounds like a ghost to me.

Second cause for concern: While there is an upstairs unit to the house, as the post laid out in very clear, no uncertain terms, this unit cannot and will NOT be shown to any potential buyers under any circumstances whatsoever. It is strictly off limits. I kid you not, this is what it said. It sort of reminded me of Beetlejuice, when the new family moved in and there was no way to get into the mysterious attic. I picture in this house an impenetrable door with who knows what hiding behind it.

screenshot via realtor.com — info has since been removed

Third cause for concern: I was scrolling through the pictures and one in particular caught my eye. One of the doors is covered in some sort of red spatter. I’m not a CSI detective so I can’t confirm or deny what it may be, but one thing I know is that red liquid splashed along a broken door doesn’t bode well for the property’s history.

photo courtesy of realtor.com

Fourth cause for concern: Putting on my sleuthing cap, I dug a little bit deeper and pasted together a curious timeline for this house. It was being rented out as late as February 28th of this year. The tenant sought was a professional couple or single. No mention of an off-limits section upstairs or a mysterious tenant — though an artist appears to be in residence.

screenshot via hotpads.com

Now, just a touch over two months later, the pictures of the house that are online show a dwelling in total disrepair. Walls are gutted. There are holes in the ceiling (I don’t even want to know). Floor tiles have been uprooted. Random junk and garbage are stacked both in and outside the house. Old, rusted appliances lean against the walls. Unexplained leaks coming from upstairs — which, isn’t that where the unseen tenant resides? I’m not going to guess as to what’s smeared on the walls. What the hell happened to this place in those two months? Or did it always look like that, even as it was being advertised as a rental property? If that’s the case, that’s pretty damn frightening, I must say.

photo courtesy of realtor.com

 

photo courtesy of realtor.com

Now, normally I’d be all for living in a haunted house. I have no issue with ghosts. However, given these four points, I believe I am well justified in saying that we have the beginnings of a real-life horror story here — and not the fun variety either.

Honestly, isn’t this how horror movies start? A nice couple buy a fixer-upper. All seems well the first couple days into their renovation. Then, one night, a weird noise comes from the supposedly vacant upstairs unit. Later, doors that should be locked are left wide open. Next, strange signs that someone or something has been moving around when they’re asleep. All this leading up to the climactic moment when the unseen housemate bursts through the wall with a pickax trying to kill the unfortunate couple. Given how those stories normally go, the pickax wielding roommate is usually pretty darn successful in quenching their blood lust with their handy dandy farming implements.

So, yeah, I think I’ll pass on putting in a bid.

Night Life

A ghost town? Zombie apocalypse? Martial law curfew due to an adopted demigod’s adorable grin and glorious purpose? (sorry, just got done watching Avengers for the 12th time)

No. This is just small town nightlife at its best – at 10:00 p.m.  But it wouldn’t be any different at 9:30 p.m. Or even 9:15 p.m.  Everything closes up shop at 9:00 p.m. or earlier and then boy howdy, you could roll up the streets it’s so damn empty.  We have a 7-11 in town (pics below) but no one is ever there, at least not when we are. It’s amazing, frankly, just how dead this town is after dusk. You’d seriously think we’re in some kind of horror story just living out the writer’s sick fantasy.

If there IS someone walking down the road, it’s creepy as hell and you look really close (okay I look really close, not sure about everyone else) to see if they have on a mask and are carrying a bloody axe (although you’d think the requisite accompanying spine-chilling musical score would sort of give them away).  I’m also quick to check to see if they present with any of the obvious symptoms that indicate they’ve somehow or other been touched by the zombie infection. You can never be too careful. I like my brains where they are thank you very much.

Sadly, just my luck, the impulsive adopted demigod with the impish grin would never visit such an out-of-the-way, shutter the stores and roll up the streets at dusk sort of seaside town.  More’s the pity.

7-11 in town, the car you see is mine

the parking lot of the 7-11 in town, the car you see is mine, and although lit up, the place across the street is closed

 

the other side of the parking lot at 7-11...not unusual

other side of the parking lot…no zombies thankfully, but they do have chips

 

the one intersection/light in town and not a soul in sight

the one intersection/light in town and not a soul in sight…lights are on, but no one’s home — or out and about