Future Disappointment

I remember watching the Jetsons years ago and being so excited for a future with flying cars, fully automated kitchens, and robot maids named Rosie.

Instead, here we are. With sex robots and Taco Bell delivered to our door.

All is not lost, though. There are some real-world inventions that I never would have imagined as I watched George walk Astro on the conveyor belt outside their floating apartment complex.

The Wine Rack: Ladies, rejoice. The Wine Rack is a bra that you fill with wine. It comes with a sipping nozzle (no, it’s not there, you perv! It’s on the side of the bra). You can carry your own booze with you anywhere you like.  This is as hilarious as it is genius.

The Better Marriage Blanket: Otherwise known as the fart blanket. Allows your husband (because we all know women don’t fart) to pass scentless gas.  This is going to save marriages because, according to a survey I just made up, farts are responsible for 62% of all divorces.

Rear Gear: At last. A solution to the annoying problem of your dog or cat having a butt.  No lie, these are stickers to put over the hole in your dog’s rear end.

Baby Mop: As someone who puts rags under her shoes to mop up spills because I’m too lazy to bend over, I applaud this one.  Stick this to your baby and as he crawls, he is polishing your floor. Sheer genius.

Diet Water: Not even going to try to explain this one. Apparently, getting fat by drinking water is a real issue.

Vertical Bed: You know, if you need to nap in line at the grocery store.

TV Hat: Wear your TV hat as you sleep standing up in your Vertical Bed.

Banana Slicer: Of all the fruits on the planet, the hardest to master is the banana.  Thank God someone invented this handy banana slicer.  For your added pleasure, you’ve got to read the comments on this one.

Neck Pro: Because having a licensed chiropractor to treat your neck pain is so “last year.”

Face Flex: Apparently, you can use this medieval torture implement to tighten and tone your facial muscles.  Scroll down the page to the short video.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Seriously though guys, if we are ever going to have flying cars, end world hunger, and achieve world peace, we need to do better than this.

Ok, so, I know you’ve been waiting for me to comment on the sex robots, so here is my take. They have male and female sexbots, and, well, honestly, I’m not sure it’s a bad thing.  Although I am concerned about the “try for 30 days, money back guarantee.” Just ewww.

As for me, if they make a male robot who does dishes, cuts the lawn, and changes the oil in my car, I’m all in.

Future Plans

When you watch movies or read books about the future it normally falls into one of two categories. Either a) everything’s awesome and we’ve mastered technology to make life a carefree playground (e.g.: The Jetsons) or b) everything sucks because we’ve depleted all of our natural resources and are forced to regress back to Neanderthalic aggression for our survival. That’s all our entertaining prophecies seem to come up with: amazing or horrible.

Unfortunately, I think we’re veering more and more towards that unsavory post-apocalyptic Mad Max, Book of Eli, Terminator: Salvation sort of scenario. Sometimes I get a glimpse of something super cool, like it jumped out of a Doctor Who episode (for example, the driver-less car Google is testing on real highways, cell phones that track your eye movements so it can pause YouTube videos when it knows you’re not looking at the screen, TVs that respond to voice commands, and freakin’ Siri). Those are great and tell me that we have the minds to create things that can positively influence the progress of society.

But those are just glimpses. More often than not when I involuntarily think of the future I’m just reminded of Masters of Horrors: Dance of the Dead or Blade Runner. The greyness, the polluted rain, the morbidity as everyone on the planet knows that they got screwed by their ancestors. Or worse yet, and probably more accurately, Idiocracy. The fact that the Jackass movies always earn the top spot on their opening weekend is evidence enough of that.