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Nurse’s Week: A Little Fun with Nurses

Let me start by saying that nurses are some of the hardest working people on the planet.  The garbage you all see and put up with is a constant source of amazement to me.  I’d like to wish each nurse and med tech out there, Happy Nurse’s Week; you all deserve some recognition.

I’d like to give a special nod to one particular nurse who cared for my father after his recent back surgery (a big middle finger to cancer, by the way).  Her bedside manner was quite appropriate … if we were all three-year olds.  Picture yourself talking to a puppy or kitten; this is a good approximation of how she acted around us, or I should say, around my dad.  To the rest of us, she was just “normal.” She was trying to be nice, I get that, she had an awesome bedside manner, but she came off as just a wee bit condescending … or sarcastic which is even better. Now, she was dealing with my dad so she should probably be forgiven, but I will say this: it was hilarious to the rest of us.

In the recovery room where he had to lay flat for like a gazillion hours straight, my father told her his back hurt, and she nodded in rapt understanding.  “Do you know why that is?” she asked.  We all leaned in, holding our collective breath, waiting for the medical pearls of wisdom we were sure she was about to share with us.  She touched my dad’s hand ever so comfortingly and looked so wise, and then she told him, “Because you had that procedure on your back this morning.” And then she nodded sagely with the sweetest smile on her face. At that moment I realized:  I, too, could be a nurse … I’ve got the sarcastic bedside manner down pat if not any form of medical training whatsoever.  I wonder if she uses that same soothing-seemingly-helpful-yet-in-reality-sarcastic-kindergarten-teacher-type voice with all her patients, and I wonder if she uses it on her coworkers or in general daily interactions.  If so, I like her more and more.

As you all are aware, my mind tends to wander, and we all know how dangerous that can be.  As I watched the nurses scurry back and forth under the crushing demands of patients and doctors, I thought of ways I could brighten their day.  Or, drive them crazy.  Here is a short list of fun ideas I had.

Page fictional nurses and doctors:  Nurse Ratchet, Dr. Who, Florence Nightingale, Dr. Doolittle…you get the idea.

Bring empty beer cans and stash them all over the room:  Look innocent when the staff questions you.

Start doing a stand-up comedy routine on the overhead system:  “What’s the deal with hospital food?”

Grab a set of scrubs and a clipboard and wander the hallway looking concerned:  Added plus for muttering phrases like “That leech treatment sure didn’t work, I’m not sure what could’ve went wrong, they were fresh leeches” or “We never covered vampire bites in medical school.”  Even more points if you tell a nurse to order a “Wingdang KPT frontal scan of the terrapin flimflam on Mrs. Smith.  STAT!”  Extra extra points if you stop a visitor, make up a disease and ask them what they think of your treatment plan for your patient.

Call fictional codes in areas of the hospital that don’t exist:  Code purple pinstripe, rumpus room.  Repeat, code purple pinstripe, rumpus room.

Clip a positive pregnancy test to a male patient’s chart:  Yeah, this one’s just fun across the board.

Attach a page of Egyptian hieroglyphics to charts:  It actually may be easier for them to read than the doctor’s hand writing.

Every time the overhead speaker is used, run to the nurse’s station: “Was that for me!?  I missed it.”

Or, whenever the overhead speaker is used, act terrified: “The voices!  They told me I wouldn’t hear the voices anymore!”  or “God?  Is that you?”

Stand backwards in the elevator:  Loudly proclaim to all who enter that it is the longest elevator ride you have ever been on and you’ve been waiting for the doors to open for an hour.

Secretly replace all the names on the white board with celebrity names: The nurses get to take care of Madonna, Justin Timberlake, and Beyoncé all in the same shift!  OR, better yet, Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po.

Attach sheets together to make a rope, put one end in the toilet, and hide under the bed:  Listen to your nurse try to explain what happened to you to Security.

In all seriousness, though, I have this to say to all the nurses out there: YOU ALL ROCK! It takes a special kind of person to be a nurse. I sure don’t envy you your jobs, BUT I do appreciate that you are there, helping people. Every. Damn. Day. From the family members sitting next to our loved ones, anxious and afraid, Thank You for all you do.  We need you, and we love you all.

Happy Nurse’s Week!

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Those sad, celebrity blues

Brooke Burke-Charvet, a model, host, former Playboy Playmate, and general low-level celebrity who rose to stardom mainly because she had a nice face and a surgically enhanced body, was just recently fired from her hosting gig on Dancing with the Stars.  She was apparently devastated and was “blindsided.” This news story has been all over the internet the past few days and I’m sorry but I don’t exactly know why any of us should care.

When a celebrity gets fired from a job, my empathy towards them is non-existent. Let’s take Ms. Burke-Charvet as an example. I don’t want to speculate, but I’m sure she got paid a little more than $20/hour for the time she put in as co-host. A lot more, actually. She won’t have to worry about paying the mortgage next month, let’s just put it that way. Plus, she gets fired and all this PR is instantly stirred up letting the world know, “Hey, there’s a pretty woman looking to get back in front of a camera.” If you think she doesn’t already have her pick of new jobs, given how well-publicized her recent availability in schedule was, then you’re crazy.

Now I do feel  for the average Joes out there who get blindsided by a pink slip after putting their blood, sweat, and tears into a thankless job for 5, 10, 20 years. After providing much-needed services — for peanuts compared to celebrities — people in this country routinely get booted because cheaper work is available. Or the job is no longer necessary due to automated processes.  Or the fat cats upstairs want more money in their pocket and to do that they eliminate a position, figuring that someone else can handle twice the workload. Whatever the reason — those people I feel sorry for.They are thrown into a tailspin without any sort of media campaign letting the world know they could use some work. It’s very possible that the fear of not being able to make the car payment or mortgage becomes reality.

But what about that baseball player who got cut from his team because he was juicing himself full of human growth hormone? ESPN will debate about his merits for hours on end, but he (and this is just an anonymous player) just made $13 million last year alone. I’m sorry, but someone who gets paid a ludicrous amount of money to hit a ball with a wooden stick, or introduce dancers onto a stage… I just can’t feel bad for them when they’re kicked to the curb.

Then there are supermodels that pout and complain about how difficult their lives are when they’re forced to put on a bikini and stand in cold water or, vice versa, wear a parka when it’s a balmy 85 degrees on the Santa Monica pier on shooting day.  I mean, that’s horrible! They should call the labor board for such atrocious treatment on the job!

Recently I read an article featuring today’s “It” girl Kate Upton. For unknowable and ludicrous reasons, Sports Illustrated put her ass in a bikini and shoved her into an anti-gravity chamber. First off — what!? Models floating in space in swimwear for a sports magazine? None of those things go to together. Secondly, in the article she was talking about how hard it was for her to do the shoot. Really!? It was hard to float? It was hard to look at a camera and smile? Was it hard to do all that rigorous, back-breaking work with the six figures they paid you?

A couple of things right off the top that I think may just be harder than putting on makeup and getting my picture taken: pouring hot tar in the middle of the summer for a highway construction project 50 hours a week; breaking up knife fights in juvenile detention centers; going around house to house at 6am every morning  emptying the festering trash out of garbage cans into the back of a truck; storming into a building that is on fire to save people; taking a call to the scene of a crime with no idea  what you will be facing. These are just a few examples of jobs that might, just might, be a little more difficult than Kate Upton’s daily regimen. And something tells me those workers aren’t getting even a fraction of what she’s making.

This goes for celebrities too whenever they complain about the trials and tribulations of their job when they’re being paid millions of dollars to do what they do (i.e. memorize lines and say them). Are you kidding me!? They not only complain about how hard it is to do their job, which is ridiculous enough, but then they also denigrate the movies or the movie franchises that made them household names. Or they sign up for and complete a movie only to complain about the end result (namely a bad movie) as if it had nothing whatsoever to do with them. I wonder if, in those cases, they return the money they were paid? Since they obviously are sooo sorry they were ever associated with the film. Somehow I doubt that.

Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love movies and there are certain actors and directors that I have a lot of respect for — but it’s usually for their philanthropic activities and the fact that they are always “classy” and dignified when it comes to interviews, comments, or criticizing others (as in, they don’t). It’s the whiny, bitchy celebrities that get on my last nerve. I have no sympathy for them…at all. Seriously, we should all have such things to complain about.

I feel for firefighters who have to risk their lives or police who could get shot at any moment — all for paltry sums. My heart goes out to the single parents who work two minimum wage jobs just to keep food on the table.  Those people—they can complain, deservedly so—I get it.  Celebrities not so much.