Superpower Fail

My apologies, dear readers, for the radio silence. Contrary to what you may have heard, I did not fall into a volcano (I swear, that wasn’t me). Although, you know, that might not be a bad thing compared to a week of team building. You see, I’ve spent the last week at a company retreat. And while there will be more on this in the coming days (lucky you!), for now, I just wanted to share with you that my talent for choosing the wrong line extends to airports. Oh yeah, it’s most definitely my superpower.

said no-one ever.

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Pop Quiz

Have you ever read an article or watched a video that you initially interpreted to be a joke, but as you continue to get through it, you realize the person who posted is actually serious? It happens to me a lot, and perhaps it’s because of the sarcastic view I have about a lot of things. Well, most things.  Okay, fine, pretty much all things. Anyway, I think this may lead me to assume that somebody else “gets it” and I’ll be sitting there, reading some random article or talking to someone or what have you and thinking “oh yeah, this guy’s sarcasm is on point!” when in fact, they’re not trying to be funny at all. This makes for some pretty awkward conversations at times… but that’s a story or two or ten for another day.

So, the article that I came across recently was about a guy who had the ultimate test for weeding out potential first dates. Ask them if they have any allergies.  I mean come on. Do you see how I thought perhaps it may have been some sort of satirical or sarcastic-sounding topic? Yeah. Anyway, they go on – in a more serious tone than one would expect – to explain how the tell-tale sign of your date’s trustworthiness is not so much whether they have allergies or not, but how they respond to the question. I know. I don’t understand it either, and presumably there is no science to back this up.  But apparently, if your date says yes, they have allergies, they’re honest and forthright. However, if your date responds with some version of nope, no allergies here… or none that I know of, then buddy, watch out! That means they’re lying. Because of course they are. Because this guy claims to have never met anyone in his life ever that didn’t have an itchy nose or watery eyes at some point in time.  So, either they’re lying about not having allergies or they’re in denial… red flag either way.

Don’t get me wrong, for those who are in the active dating scene, you must look for and identify red flags as soon as you can. But with that said, those red flags should hold some sort of merit behind them. Not like, “oh she has her nails painted black, she’s definitely a witch,” or “ew, he drives a Camry, you know what that means…” No disrespect to my Camry drivers out there, I was just making a sarcastic point. Cause you know. Sarcasm.

As if dating wasn’t hard enough. Now on top of keeping an eye out for red flags, you have to consider that not knowing you might be allergic to something you haven’t come into contact with yet may just indicate you’re untrustworthy.  I mean, aren’t there enough hoops to jump through on a first date?  Maybe I’m allergic to the date who claims this ludicrous test works.

My Introvert Life – Log Entry 57816

Stardate 20220705 – Time: Limbo

Yesterday began like any other day off from work.  I got up, fixed my coffee, and plopped down to read my book. Before I could finish a chapter, I was interrupted by the neighbor’s dog barking at the mailman. How cliché right? But every day like clockwork. Same time, rain or shine, hail or snow.

I ordered myself a personal cheese pizza from the new restaurant in town but just like last week, it was 20 minutes late, cold, and stuck to the roof of the box. Talk about déjà vu. It was kind of tasty though. I mean, hey, I’m not going to waste pizza.

In the afternoon, I had the displeasure of running a few errands. Where the people are. I didn’t want to. I had to. It was one of those, out of everything situations. It was as awful as I imagined it would be.  I hit every single red light on the way back home and as I sat there thinking about it, I realized that I don’t think I’ve ever not hit every red light coming back home. No matter where I’ve been or what time of day it might be. It’s just a talent I have. Like picking the wrong line.

I pulled into my driveway too many hours later.  Okay, fine, it probably wasn’t hours. But it was entirely too long, I’ll tell you that much. Ugh. My neighbor’s dog is at it again. Give it a rest Bruno, mail came like 5 hours ago. The mail carrier can’t hear you. Although… maybe they can. You’re certainly loud enough. Sheesh. That’s why we don’t talk about Bruno. Cause he’s an annoying little shit who won’t shut up.

In the evening, a light salad for dinner, favorite TV show at 8:00 p.m., followed by a bubble bath with a glass of wine. Oh, who am I kidding… I had leftover pizza and a sleeve of Oreos. A shower and Bailey’s on the rocks while flipping through the channels looking for The Nanny. It’s a routine!  I can’t break up a perfectly good routine.

The next thing I remembered was becoming entranced by late-night infomercials. No kidding, at 1:00 a.m. someone was trying to sell me grip tape for a boat that I do not have. And I almost went for it. It’s not like I couldn’t reach the remote, either. I’m just easily entertained by infomercials and alien documentaries.

At 1:30 a.m., I learned that with this small device that looked like a cross between a coffee mug and one of those Scrubbing Bubbles guys, I could easily dice veggies for my nightly salads with nothing more than a few slaps and bops. If I ate nightly salads, that is. I don’t think it works on pizza. Does it? No!  No, I mean, come on, who on Earth pays $24.99 shipping? Do they think I’m a fool!?

At 2:00 a.m., I was offered all my favorite love songs from the 70s and 80s on 10 complete CDs. What a bargain! Which made me wonder where the hell my portable CD player got to. Couldn’t find it. But that’s okay. I think I know where it is and I’ll look again tomorrow. In the meantime, I did come across a very cool Mad Libs book that was in a box in the back of the closet, only half done! I need to put that somewhere where I’ll remember it for when company comes over. Who doesn’t love Mad Libs?

By the time I was done rummaging around, the infomercials were over and a new show was on. Oh, hey, would you look at that… the aliens really did build the pyramids. Because of course they did. What other explanation could there be!?

A Case of Premature Excitement

As we all know, Facebook and other social media count on algorithms to present ads to their audience. I have no idea what the hell I’ve been looking at for this product ad to come up in my social media feed… BUT I was excited for a minute thinking I had my people problem solved. Disappointing to say the least. False advertising if you ask me.

 

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There’s a Group for That

If you’re into something specific, like Doctor Who, being a vegan, a thrill-seeker, or surviving off the grid, or a hobby like skydiving, birdwatching, collecting spiders, or yoga, it’s not unusual to seek out a group or groups in order to connect with other likeminded people. You know, to have some folks with whom you can share experiences and such.

But what about introverts? Then again, wouldn’t starting an introvert club goes against one of the foundational rules of being an introvert? What would our motto be? Introverts Unite! (separately… at your own home.)

I can see it now, a bunch of introverts asking each other what they did over the weekend.

Me: “Well my weekend was great. I sat at home and didn’t have to interact with *shudder* people for two whole days.”

Or what are your plans for this weekend?

Me: “I have some awesome stuff planned! I’m going to go here, and do this, and work on that.”

Then exactly five days later, when the weekend finally rolls around, I’m sitting there like, “what on earth was I thinking? There are *shudder* people out there!  I’m just going to stay home and brush my cats.”

Yeah, the more I thought about the whole introvert club thing, the more I turned myself off the idea. That is until I came across a nifty group for self-ascribed introverts on Facebook.

I joined up just to have a look around, cause you know, I’m an introvert… and wouldn’t you know, virtually every member shared at least a dozen pictures of their pets. I tend to agree that animals are much more worthy of my time than most humans I’ve been around, so these were my kind of people.

Hmm. I must say, I feel inspired. Maybe I will start my own club after all. I’ll get on that first thing next weekend! Probably.

It’s Fine… Everything is Fine

I know I haven’t written much lately, but I’m working on a few things to post here for ya’ll (I promise!), while also trying to get my shit together to move.  More on that later.

In the meantime… if my likeness is going to be used on merch, I think I should at least get a few royalty checks thrown my way.

looks just like me, don’t you think?

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