Planning Ahead

From job interviews to online dating questionnaires (which, when you think about it, also feels like a job interview) to drunken late-night conversations, the big question-of-the-day seems to involve the need for a crystal ball, tarot cards, in-depth astrological charts, and a solid, surefire personal plan.

Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 15 years?

Sadly, when you’re concentrating on getting from payday to payday, you don’t often have time to consider the future other than to daydream.  One day, I’ll live in Paris … One day, I’ll have my own house … One day, I’ll go grocery shopping without penny-pinching … One day, I’ll have enough money in between paydays to get groceries AND a haircut … One day …

The Lady or the Tiger?

As I sit humoring myself with the laser pointer thingy, the ne’er-do-well thinks I’m hilarious. Or she’s completely done with the shenanigans and is finally going to give in to her long-suppressed demonic urges and suck my blood.  Knowing her, it could go either way. It really all depends on how her day went.

Midday Revelations

You know, to be fair, the Grinch didn’t hate Christmas. He hated people. And I can completely relate to that, especially as I get older. Oh, who am I kidding … I’ve always been this way. I was, am, and will forever be Team Grinch.  Long live the Grinch. Praise be and pass the eggnog.

Morning Routines

As I shimmy and shake and sweat during my usual morning routine, I wonder, who needs the gym or the cost of a personal trainer when all I have to do to get a serious aerobic work-out is put on my pantyhose every morning?  Come to think of it, there are some complicated yoga moves thrown in to my dressing ritual fitness regimen as well — I routinely contort myself into impossible positions worthy of a yogi master.

Aerobics, strength exercises, and yoga … hey, I’m nothing if not well-rounded. Ha! See what I did there? Well-rounded! Get it? Because being well-rounded is what necessitates my way-too-early-in-the-morning calisthenics session to begin with … because, I’m round, get it?  Oh, never mind.