This has been a hell of a past few months for me. Thus far, science has vindicated me in that my slovenly lifestyle means I’m a genius, my wine consumption will let me live forever, and now my favorite so far: I am allergic to exercise.
I always suspected it, to be honest. Once I rise from the couch, my heart rate soars, I feel the blood rushing to my head, and I crave a chocolate bar. Classic signs of exercise allergies (it’s true, I swear). Apparently, exercise-related allergies are worsened when combined with some foods. For me, eating a Kit Kat on the treadmill has tragic consequences. And not in the way you’d suspect. So of course, to protect myself, I gave up the treadmill.
I can just see my next doctor’s appointment. I imagine it will go something like this:
Doctor: So, you’ve gained 55 pounds in the last two months since you’ve been here.
Me: I’ve had to abstain from all exercise. I’m allergic.
Doctor: I’m sorry, what?
Me: I read it on the internet, so it must be true. Just to be safe, I’ve installed lift chairs on my stairs.
Doctor: Well, I think that you…
Me: And I call a taxi to drive me to the mailbox daily.
Doctor: Let me guess; you call a taxi to take the trash out?
Me: Don’t be ridiculous.
Doctor: Well, that’s good because I…
Me: I use Lyft for that.
Doctor: I see you are wearing a Medic Alert necklace.
Me: Sometimes I need to get off the couch suddenly. I like to be prepared.
Doctor: What are you eating?
Me: Oh, I eat a variety of foods.
Doctor: Well, that’s good.
Me: Pizza on Mondays, lo mein and fried rice on Tuesdays, eggplant parm on Wednesdays, pasta Alfredo on Thursdays…
Doctor (interrupting): That sounds like it’s all delivery food…
Me: Hey, Doc, I’m not taking any chances.
Ok, so this sounds like a real cop out, I admit, but now that people are coming forward with their exercise allergies, I am ready to come forward with some of my own personal allergies. (Yes, I know being allergic to exercise is a real thing, and my heart goes out to anyone who suffers from such a condition, but that’s not going to stop me from using this scientific finding to my advantage. I mean, come on.)
- Laundry: I am filled with an intense feeling of dread whenever I see a pile of laundry. I have trouble catching my breath, and my eyes water. This could be because of my kid’s gym socks, but I’m playing it safe.
- Dishes: I cringe when I see a sink full of dirty dishes. I find that after doing dishes for an extended period of time, my hands develop a strange, prune-y type skin reaction. To avoid this, I choose to use paper plates (biodegradable!). It is a sacrifice I must make for my own good.
- Driving: Strange feelings of rage envelop me when I am driving around idiots. I feel almost blinded by anger, and my mouth makes very odd noises that my friends call “cursing.” It is very stressful and frightening.
- Mirrors and Scales: This is a strange allergy where I cannot recognize the old lady in the mirror and I don’t trust scales. I live with the mirror allergy, but I avoid the scale allergy at all costs.
- Healthy Eating: Tofu makes my stomach heave oddly, as does soy milk. I find the only cure for this allergy is an immediate stop at a Dairy Queen for a chocolate-dipped ice-cream cone.
- Wearing a Bra: Somehow, I get through this one daily with no lasting ill effects. I have mastered the art of removing the offending garment without taking off my shirt as soon as I walk in the door, just before any lasting harm can be done.
- Newscasts: I get sick to my stomach whenever I see any newscasts any more. I’m afraid this is one allergy that will only get worse, and one that I share with a lot of people. For at least the foreseeable future, there is no known cure.
Vindication is a sweet, sweet word. I have been proven correct on so many of my theories that I feel unstoppable. What’s next? Proof that lettuce and rice cakes cause weight gain? Just wait for it, loyal friends, I haven’t been wrong yet.