Well, everyone, she’s back.
As you may recall, Amethyst Realm, a reported spiritual counselor, has been in a super intense relationship with a ghost she met in Australia. They have been dating six months.
I will give you a minute to go back and read that again so you’re up to speed. Done? Ok, let’s move on.
Amethyst can’t see her boyfriend, obviously, cause he’s…well, you know, a ghost. But hey, she knows he’s there.
Now, as you can imagine, I have a few questions. As a spiritual guidance counselor, is she counseling her boyfriend? If so, isn’t that an ethics violation? At the least, I would think it would be a conflict of interest. But, I digress.
In 2017, Amethyst was even slut-shamed for having sex with twenty ghosts. One ghost, however, really tickled her fancy, among other things he reportedly tickles.
Amethyst explains in a recent follow-up interview that she and her ghostly boyfriend are going to be married and raise a ghostly family. I personally haven’t received my invisible wedding invitation; still waiting on that one.
As for the ghostly family? Well, she has decided, in a wisdom far beyond most cantaloupes, that “phantom” pregnancies are fathered by ghosts. Phantom pregnancies are, of course, a heartbreaking syndrome where a woman’s body begins to simulate a pregnancy that isn’t real, showing all the symptoms of a true pregnancy. There could be any number of reasons why this might happen, none of them good. Amethyst believes that phantom pregnancies are exactly what they sound like, phantom induced. Amethyst has been avoiding her ghostly birth control, hoping to get knocked up by her ghost boyfriend.
Why would her imaginary boyfriend want to be tied down by an imaginary baby? It’s a sure bet he’ll just disappear when the baby is born, leaving her with imaginary diapers to change all by herself. She’d better get that imaginary ring, and fast!
On a sobering note, Amethyst really believes her story with all her heart. She came clean after being dumped by a boyfriend, so one must think the break-up affected her deeply. She has sworn off real men for life, preferring her invisible men to human companionship. I feel her pain, but she has taken this just a step too far.
You know, I’m not even necessarily saying that ghosts aren’t real; perhaps they are. What I am calling total BS on is that they would be capable of impregnating anyone (okay, so yeah, that might be an obvious deduction).
For argument’s sake, let’s just say that she’s right, and she does get pregnant by her ghostly boyfriend. What an odd scene at the hospital on the day of delivery!
Nurse: Here he is, he’s beautiful. (pretending to be holding a baby)
Amethyst: Are you stupid!? He’s over there! (points at the chair next to the nurse)
Nurse: Can you have the father sign the birth certificate, please? (holds pen towards the corner of the room)
Amethyst: Are you blind, woman!? He’s right here sitting on the bed!
Nurse: Your total bill will be $50,000. How would you like to pay that?
Amethyst: My imaginary insurance should cover this, but if not, here’s an invisible credit card.
Nurse: I can’t see the father’s signature on the certificate.
Amethyst: Of course not, he used invisible ink.
The fun would continue through the child’s first year of school, where he was repeatedly marked “absent,” all the way to his prom, where his date cried because she thought he stood her up even though he was waiting inside the invisible limo.
Graduation would be tricky; the video cameras would only show a small orb flitting across the stage to get his invisible diploma.
Perhaps one day, he would meet someone, too. He’ll introduce her to the joys of ghost sex, and the cycle will continue.
Frankly, Amethyst, I am intrigued and more than a little jealous. Getting ghosted doesn’t mean the same thing for you as it does for the rest of us, you can sneak him into movies for free, and you don’t have to worry about washing his clothes.
Not to mention, your life is planned out perfectly with your ghost, and I can’t even get a date for Friday night.