Got Demons?

I wish I could say that the below graphic is from a funny site or a tongue-in-cheek book on cults or even a dark arts list from bygone days where exorcisms and wooden stakes were handed out willy-nilly.  But no, it’s from a modern-day group of demonologists – led by an “end times” pastor.  I had hoped that the site would still prove satirical, but I have yet to find any proof of that. Instead, it appears to be on the up and up.  For whatever that’s worth.  Which is both scary and sad. I’m hoping someone proves me wrong by finding the small print I have overlooked…you know, that teeny-tiny legal disclaimer stating the site is “for entertainment purposes only.”  Trust me, pointing out my mistake in this instance would make me feel better all around.  As it is, I can only take this list and the site itself at face value. Oh, did I mention the “end times” pastor in question also writes books? Yeah, apparently, he does, along with marketing videos and podcasts as well. Go figure.

click the pic to dive down the rabbit hole

Not content with your everyday demons, this particular end times pastor also delves into the mayhem that aliens and fairies spread far and wide…specifically their predilection for giving food to unwary travelers in an attempt to swoop them away. I know, I know, I shouldn’t make fun. Fairy kidnappings are not a thing to mock. My friend’s cousin’s wife’s brother-in-law’s neighbor was taken by a fairy back in 1973 and they haven’t heard from him since. It was horrible. The family never recovered. Or so I heard from my friend’s cousin thrice-removed.

Nothing if not versatile, the good pastor also advises and counsels people for mental illness and developmental disabilities of all kinds – but only in so far as he believes these poor souls to be possessed by demons. According to him, from what I’ve read on his site that is, all manner of illness or variation from the so-called norm (whatever the hell that is) – from anxiety to depression to autism to dissociative identity disorder, are part and parcel of demonic possession. He helps his followers by somehow expelling said demons and abracadabra, they’re cured of whatever ails them. I’m telling you, this guy must be really fun at parties.

Oh! Did I mention fallen angels?  Yeah, there’s fallen angels we have to watch out for too, besides Satan, that is. Of course there are. They’re different from demons you know. Obviously. I’m not sure why these end times people aren’t spending their time and energy on praying for Satan and any other fallen angel…I mean, if anyone out there needs prayers of salvation and a bit of simple humanity, it’s Satan and his merry band of fallen angels.

Now, I’m not one to question another person’s faith. Everyone faces the world and whatever might lay beyond it in their own way. If that’s through organized religion or howling at the moon, to each their own and I wish them well, truly. But it’s this kind of thing that I just can’t respect or get behind. Trading on fears and cult mentality is always, at its center, for the benefit of the so-called leader…not those who follow. As it just so happens, this pastor also wrote a book back in the day on starting your own business. Wonder if it includes a step-by-step guide on how to become a door-to-door exorcism salesman? I might want to get in on that gig. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I hear my evil “mom look,” the one I would give my kids when they were doing something wrong in public (but were too far away to grab) struck fear in everyone within viewing distance, not just my kids. So, I think I could work some good old-fashioned discipline on a pesky ol’ demon. As Scrappy would say, “let me at ‘em!  Let me at ‘em!

Not to mention, that according to this list, I’ve just accrued a myriad of new reasons as to why I’m going to hell. As if I needed more reasons. Sure, just pile on, why not? But hey, it’s clear now that the demons have hold of me (my ex would say he’s known that the whole time) — my brimstone-heated road to hell is not my fault. It was paved by yoga and Harry Potter and *cough* Twilight (shhh, that one’s a secret) and goodness (badness?) knows what else. So at least there’s that.

Deadly Sins

We are now entering a judgment free zone, okay? This is a blog of trust and openness so please don’t roll your eyes too hard when I tell you that I recently watched some cable reality show called 7 Deadly Sins. Hey, remember, no judging! I swear it was my first time watching it. I had no clue what I was getting into.

If anyone else here has had the unique experience of seeing an episode you’ll understand when I say without hesitation that it is a truly awful show. So awful I couldn’t stop watching. It sucked me in like a UFO’s tractor beam or a vampire’s gaze. I was transfixed and couldn’t help it because the topic of the show was so disgusting.

Lucky me I had turned on the episode dedicated to Lust. Part of the show’s way to define lust and the various interpretations focused on this elderly ass of a minister (who was more than a little creepy) who actively advocates for men to cheat on their wives. The wife could know about it or be left in the dark; on this point he has no preference. He was going off about the merits of visiting brothels and using prostitutes, and cheating in general, as a way to save marriages.

According to him—the dashing geriatric Casanova that he was—when women get married, “they get the white picket fence, the two-year-old twins, the puppy dog, the whole nine yards. They lose interest in pleasing their man….” so sex isn’t as important to them anymore. What these docile housewives don’t remember is that, “…men need blow jobs and wives just won’t do that…so why not find someone who will…”

So creepy old guy…I mean, this devout, lovely old minister has boiled it down to basic black and white in a way that no one else can because he understands women soooooo well. Well, it’s a good thing we’re in a judgment free zone, otherwise I might have a couple of things to say about how absolutely freaking stupid this entire premise is. But I digress.

Now this cuckoo minister is out there actively leading a congregation of men seeking out the word of God, or in this case – the means in which to cheat on their wives.  He even found a loophole in the Bible where God supposedly approves of it. No really, he did. So their search is on the up and up (ha!). I wish I could remember the exact citation he used, but if you know your Bible, it’s the part where Jesus apparently reached out to and helped ‘the prostitute’ and didn’t look down on her or treat her badly. Therefore, according to this minister, God must be totally cool with prostitution and men cheating, because Jesus did not, and I quote, “cure the prostitute of her ways.”

Okay, sure, yeah, the logic behind that thinking makes perfect sense. I can see how that must mean God is okay with marital infidelity.  Hang on for a sec while I just bang my head on the wall a few times.

Giving credit where credit is due, the man even practices what he preaches. On the show they filmed him visiting a brothel and I have to say, he’s more well-known there than Norm on Cheers.

I hope you can see how it is I got sucked into watching the show. At least this one part of it, anyway (I didn’t sit through the whole hour, trust me, I just couldn’t). But the last part with the minister was the real kicker for me. I’m still cleaning soda off my duvet because the minister’s parting words during the final fade-out scene took me somewhat by surprise seconds after I had just taken a somewhat large swig of my drink. (Remember…no judging.) So — as he’s driving away from the brothel after some money well spent, he says to the camera, “If I ever remarry, I’m going to marry an ex-working girl because they’re submissive and really know how to treat a man.” Excuse me? Remarry? REMARRY!? Someone actually signed up for this in the past? What a shocker that didn’t work out. And there goes my lovely duvet all covered in diet Coke.

The gospel of misinformation this guy is spreading is on a ludicrous level. The utter misogyny seeping out of my TV screen reminded me of The Blob and I seriously expected Steve McQueen to parade around the corner at any moment to fight the beast off with a fire extinguisher of logic. Everything this so called “Minister of God” said was simply untrue.

  • Infidelity is okay according to the Bible!? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t one of the Ten Commandments ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’? I thought the Ten Commandments were sort of a big deal in the Bible. Important even.
  • Women are bound to lose interest in sex after they get hitched? Maybe for him when his ex-wife realized she royally screwed up in the husband department. Or, according to his scenario: two year old twins, a house to keep up (white picket fence), a puppy dog, the whole nine yards, and apparently a man who believes in traditional roles (equals no help)…sure…I mean with a household like that, maybe the wife just doesn’t have much energy left over for sex. But in general?  Most women like sex. I hate to break it to you guys –  if you’re not getting any, it’s not because we don’t like sex or because we lose interest in sex.

I wonder what this fella would think about women cheating on their husbands? You know, to save the marriage. I’d bet my life savings he’d be against it. The wife would surely be branded as a hussy who doesn’t know how to respect her man or some BS like that.

At the beginning of the show, before I knew what I was getting into, the misogyny dripping off this guy made me livid, but then by the end I was in tears from laughing. He was such a parody of a true upstanding man of the cloth it was hilarious. Made all the funnier by how staunchly serious he was about his contradictory and crazy beliefs. People like this just kill me —and they are the ones who are SURE they have a golden place awaiting them in heaven. If they do, I tell you this, I’ll take hell any day of the week. And twice on Sunday.