As I shimmy and shake and sweat during my usual morning routine, I wonder, who needs the gym or the cost of a personal trainer when all I have to do to get a serious aerobic work-out is put on my pantyhose every morning? Come to think of it, there are some complicated yoga moves thrown in to my
dressing ritual fitness regimen as well — I routinely contort myself into impossible positions worthy of a yogi master.
Aerobics, strength exercises, and yoga … hey, I’m nothing if not well-rounded. Ha! See what I did there? Well-rounded! Get it? Because being well-rounded is what necessitates my way-too-early-in-the-morning calisthenics session to begin with … because, I’m round, get it? Oh, never mind.
I apologize for the radio silence for the past couple of days. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say, cancer sucks. In fact, fuck cancer, and all of the insidious little ways it steals away your loved ones, even while they’re still here. No, it’s not me … but rather, my dad. I may go into a long-winded rant about that another time. For today, seeing him and my mother together this past week (my whole life really, but especially in recent times of severe stress), I feel as though I might could be persuaded to dip a toe back into the dating pool yet again in an effort to find the kind of loyalty and love that my parents share. Yeah, yeah, I know my luck in that area has been less than stellar, but who knows? Maybe one of these times, it’ll all be worthwhile.
To that end, I found this nifty profile description that is really quite apt. Whatcha think? Is honesty really the best policy? Seriously though, if that special someone won’t share rainy days spent in our PJs while drinking God knows what and binge watching Netflix, are they really the one for me?
So, even though it’s a month away, the stores are already selling Halloween candy by the bags full. Which is A-okay by me, quite frankly. This is one time when I appreciate the commercialism that drives this great country of ours. You’ll be impressed, I’m sure, to hear that in
a self-serving an industrious effort to binge on sweets be prepared for fright night, I got my first round of inventory of candy today.
Okay, fine. If I’m being perfectly honest, I don’t think this batch is going to make it to October 31st. Ah, well. As my mother used to say: if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.
Awwww, boo, I love you too! My little chippie whippie … my little tater gator … my little sweet potato crispy wispy …
Okay, so yeah, that’s weird … even for me.
But still… just look at this lovely little heart-shaped chip! Isn’t it adorable? Is it an omen? Whatever it is, it’s gone. Like a thief in the night, my dog snuck up on my table and ate it … so much for a starchy harbinger of love …
Okay, so, I came across this on a food site (yes, yes, I like to look at pictures of food almost – key word, almost – as much as I like to eat food), and I just want to know: where the hell can I find these blueberries!? I mean, it definitely gives GMOoooooos a whole new purpose.
Why no, Kevin, I don’t want to join your threesome. If I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time, I’d just go visit my parents. Although according to my mother, I don’t even have to be in the same vicinity as them, let alone the same room, to have that effect. So, yeah. Why needlessly expend my energy on you and your plus one, Kevin?
At the risk of having you get all Judgey McJudgemental on me, I must confess that I have to go out tomorrow and restock my Halloween candy supply before the costumed revelers arrive at my door. Something happened to mine.