When I Win the Lotto

Let’s be clear.

I will win the mega-millions Lotto.  This was told to me by a fortune-teller at my local carnival this past summer.   She also told me I would get a break, and she was right; my bank account is as broke as they come.  How did she know!?  It boggles the mind. Truly.

The first thing I will do as a mega-multi-millionaire is to run for president.  Hold on, someone just told me that’s already been done.  Damn.

My next plan as a future Lotto winner is to buy The Perfect House.  You know the one; with the swimming pool in the kitchen, the bowling alley in the foyer, and the self-cleaning bathroom?  I love New York, and I also love California.  I would happily move to either place, or maybe both, if I didn’t have to worry about making a living.   That would be the extent of my real estate investments, though, because I’d be traveling all of the time.  If it weren’t for my animals…well, and a general lack of funds…I’d never be home as it is.  Since this is my future, according to Madame Mystery at the Country Fair, I’m interviewing animal caretakers and looking into buying each pet a mobile home.   Just kidding; Rufus the Invincible has a license but he doesn’t drive.  Wouldn’t it be great to have enough money to take them with me as I trek the world, though?

I’m not a big lover of stuff.  Sure, stuff is great, but instead of buying even more stuff, I’d indulge my laziness. I’d have servants – paid very well mind you. In return for a generous yearly salary, room and board, medical insurance, the whole nine yards, they would have to be on call 24/7. And having lived with myself for quite some time now, I know that I have bad days where I’m …um…grumpy, shall we say? On days when I’m less than my nice self, I’d offer up an extra $200 or so in cash in advance – first thing in the morning (forewarned is forearmed they say) and explain to all and sundry, today I’m a bitch. Sorry. But here’s $200.

feed me! oh, was that harsh? here's some cash!

I’m sorry for what I said while I was hungry.  Here’s some cash.

One of these well-compensated individuals would be my “runner.”  If I want coffee or some of that great carry out seafood from across town, I’d just call the runner. I’d also have a chef, but one that does more than make those frilly little dishes that look like cat food with a piece of sidewalk weed on them.   My chef will be as versed in good old home cooking as he is in fine French cuisine.  “A big old slab of homemade meatloaf drowning in gravy, Monsieur Snooty, if you please, and  a loaf of your finest bread, with chocolate mousse for dessert.  And a diet Coke.”   At midnight if I’m hungry for a snack or a full-blown meal, I’d just buzz the chef’s quarters.   Heck, let’s take it all the way and send the runner to the kitchen for my snack. Oh yeah. I know how to live.

Now, we’ve discussed my mobile pet idea, but of course I won’t be travelling ALL the time…I would eventually make pit-stops at home. So for those times when we are home, I’d hire someone to clean up all the cat hair and hairballs.  This would be an awesome job for someone, seriously.  I’d pay them well to dump litter boxes and clean up outdoor…errrr, leavings.  These dainty hands will never again flick a hairball under the couch, or pour more litter on top of the old in a vain attempt to get out of changing the box.  Don’t judge me, you’ve done it too.  This person also gets to take my dogs out whenever the need arises.  I may just train the dogs to buzz for their caretakers themselves and eliminate the middleman altogether. The middleman being me. Just so you know. Cause I’m lazy.

me...being my lazy self

me…being my lazy self

No more stuck in traffic for THIS Lotto winner.  I mean, I might be stuck in traffic but I wouldn’t have the “stuck in traffic driver stress.” You see, I’d never drive myself again…anywhere. I could just lean dramatically back in my seat and sigh loudly, like I did when I was a teenager.  Good times.

With all the time and money in the world at my disposal, you’d best believe I would be one sexy, albeit idle, chick.  I’d have salon and spa days, and relax on the French Riviera, drink at a café in Tuscany, and hide myself away in a thatch-roofed cottage on the coast of Ireland. You know. Just the essential travel spots.  I have already bought a cover shoot for Glamour, in case you’re wondering.  Madame Mystery insisted that I would be adored by millions and loved by all.  Or was it that I owed millions and would be sued by all?  It’s a little hazy, and I was still reeling from the Tilt-A-Whirl.

I would need a hobby to occupy my time.  Of course, right? Everyone need a hobby.  I’m dangerous with pointy objects, so knitting is out.  I’m not very athletic, so sports would be out, too.  Thank goodness for that; that last one involved excessive movement.  Who the hell wants to do that!? I decided to Google a bit of fancy hobbies, and my research turned up the following.

  • Collecting fine antiques: This isn’t your grandmother’s china cabinet here.  We’re talking hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on a rare coin, stamp, rug, or piece of jewelry.  On top of this, I would need to build a special storage facility and insure the whole thing.   Sounds like a lot of work for things I can’t really use, doesn’t it?
  • Investing in an art collection: Up until now, I have considered the TV Guide as a valuable artistic statement.  Turns out, there are paintings and sculptures that I don’t like or understand for several million dollars apiece.  I can own some of this baffling work for myself, if so inclined.  I’d pay other people to look at it and make appropriate “oohs” and “aahs.” But then I’d need to get insurance, a security guard, an alarm system. Who has time for all of that?
  • Race Car Driving: I kid you not, I could enter the exciting world of race car driving.  Probably, the equally exciting world of hospital emergency rooms as well.  If I visited the hospital enough times, I would just build a wing in my name…provided I remember my name after the accidents.   This fine sport costs hundreds if not thousands of dollars per hour when on the track. That doesn’t take into consideration the medical bills. Blech.
  • Boating: Nothing says indulgent like purchasing a boat as big as my house and burning through enough fuel in a half hour to power an entire third world country for a year.
  • Gambling in high stakes games: When the opening bid is a million dollars, I think I’ll leave my inner Kenny Rogers on the table and just fold ‘em.

Maybe fancy hobbies aren’t for me? I just couldn’t get into anything like that. Oh wait, I do know one hobby I could get into. I could collect animals – all my favorites: pigs, horses, sheep, chickens, cows, dogs, cats, the works. Emptying out a livestock auction or a shelter, now that I would enjoy. The money I would spend on fuel for a race car each week could pay a keeper to take care of them – and what it would cost to buy a boat or that antique umbrella holder dipped in gold could surely buy the necessary property on which to build a sanctuary to keep them healthy and happy.  Now THAT, that I could get into.

When I win the Lotto, I can see myself still being me, only a hell of a lot less stressed…and maybe a few pounds heavier.  I’d like to think I’m not one of those individuals that money would change.  I’d also sure like to find that out for myself one day.

In the meantime, if you see Madame Mystery, tell her I’m still waiting.

just sitting here...waiting...any day now...

just sitting here…waiting…any day now…

Here a List, There a List, Everywhere a List List

So my daughter and I have been big on making lists lately. In general, we both thrive on lists, so poring over what should be included in one or another of them in our spare time is par for the course. These remarkable pieces of survey data are usually started over dinner, scribbled on a napkin, as we hunker down with our heads together discussing extremely important, earth-shattering topics such as who would win the epic battle of villains: Loki or Scarlet Witch.  Oh, and if you’re interested, it’s Loki hands down.

We have a list of our favorite fictional characters (you’ll see that one pop up on this blog at a later date), our favorite movies, and the countries we want to move to (in order of preference)…which is becoming more and more relevant given the state of our 2016 Presidential election thus far, but I digress. So, yeah. You get the idea. We like lists.

Recently we were discussing places to go and things to do over pancakes and hashbrowns, so of course, we had to put pen to paper napkin, and come up with our handy-dandy “to do” list to cement things just so. And now, lucky you, I’m sharing…

  1. Get scared senseless by a ghost:
    1. Spend the night in Lizzie Borden’s room (Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast, Fall River, MA)
  2. Visit the home and gravesite of one of our favorite authors
    1. Edgar Allan Poe Museum and Memorial Grave (Baltimore, MD)
  3. Absorb some culture and enrich our lives (not to mention eat tons of soft pretzels from the street vendors!):
    1. Smithsonian/National Museum of Natural History (DC)
    2. National Gallery of Art (DC)
    3. US Botanic Garden (DC)
    4. Smithsonian Gardens Butterfly Habitat (DC)
    5. United States National Arboretum (DC)
    6. National Zoo (DC)
  4. Pretend we’re high society but also get some laughs (cause seriously, we are who we are):
    1. Attend a play or musical in Baltimore – subject matter is up for grabs but we’re determined to wear our going to town Sunday clothes, so yeah, something nice.
    2. Snag tickets for stand-up comedy
  5. We’ll tell people we’re going to NYC for the culture of the city but we’re really going for the black and white cookies and Pokemon battles:
    1. American Museum of Natural History
    2. Bronx Zoo
    3. Central Park Zoo
    4. Times Square
    5. Metropolitan Museum of Art
    6. The Cloisters
    7. Brooklyn Botanical Garden
    8. New York Botanical Garden
    9. Fraunces Tavern Museum
    10. Hamilton Grange National Memorial
    11. Pokemon Center (Gotta catch ‘em all!)
  6. Because my daughter apparently wants us to end up in one of those “found footage” movies that are all the rage…as this is exactly how those stories unfold – and it never ends well:
    1. Take an overnight self-guided tour at the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum (Weston, WV)
      (When you don’t hear from me again, keep an eye out for the movie trailer – don’t leave for popcorn or anything as I’ll likely be the first one gruesomely dissected by the killer doctor-ghost running around the asylum – oh, not because I wear matching silk and lace underwear as so often seen in the horror movies, but rather, because I can’t run very fast, or at all really, and will most probably be used by the others as a momentary distraction…but hey, at least we’ll be in the movies. Everybody wants to be in the movies, right!?)