Now that the holidays are over and the first real “winter event” having happened (in my area at least), the only thing facing us is a bleak, grey, block of time until spring. Don’t despair, though! This is the time for fun and frolic in the fresh, cool air of the winter time. Let the Winter Olympic Games begin! In fact, here are some of the games we regular folks can play this winter:
Guess that Frozen Lump: Is it leaves? Mud? Dog poop? What IS that mysterious brown lump frozen to your sidewalk? Players will pick up mysterious objects and attempt to identify them, feeling protected because they are wearing gloves.
Slip and Slide Pride Recovery: As you walk down the sidewalk and slip on that tiny patch of ice, you must recover quickly and gracefully. Points are awarded for stylish arm waving and flapping, catching your bags before they hit the ground, and doing the soft shoe shuffle. If you hit the ground, points are lost. Extra points are awarded for trying to pretend it never happened to the bystanders recording you for YouTube.
How Deep is the Snow?: This fun little game is played when you step off a paved surface into a pile of snow without realizing there is a hole under the pile or simply misjudging Mother Nature’s (or the snow plow’s) ability to heap up the white stuff. Points are tallied based on how long you stand in the snowbank looking confused, how caked the snow is onto your pants, and how much snow went down the inside of your boot. Points are lost if you actually require help to remove yourself from said pile.
Dodge That Salt Truck: We know salt trucks are a necessary evil on the roads in the winter. Nothing, however, is as frustrating as being in the vicinity of one as it spews dusty white granules at your car. To qualify for this game, you must have had your car washed three days prior to the ice event, at most. You may drive three lanes over and up to two miles behind the salt truck. Points are deducted from an opening score of 100 in increments of 10 points per inch of dust on your car. Someone writing “Wash Me” in the dust while you are in a store qualifies you to win this round instantly.
Bread Dash 2017: Players will meet at a supermarket immediately upon hearing there is potential for snow in the next week. From the front doors, contestants will glare at each other and begin the sprint for bread, toilet paper, and milk. The proper way to collect these items will be store brand, generic, and finally when all the cheap items are gone, name brand products. Points are deducted for browsing and collecting unapproved items such as laundry detergent and pasta noodles.
Radio Stalking for Kids: Children will earn points for how frequently they change the TV and radio stations hoping for cancellation updates beginning at midnight the night before a forecast winter event. Player is disqualified if an entire song, commercial, or news cast is completed before the station is switched.
Ice Sculpting: In the morning, players will report to their vehicles. They will not be told of any ice or weather event prior to the morning the game is played. They will need to scramble for brooms and ice scrapers to remove the elements from their vehicles in enough time to make it to work before being considered “late.” Points are lost if players attempt a “quick ice fix” they read about on Facebook and it fails. Points can be added, however, if the player’s arm is encrusted in snow that melts down the sleeve of their coat as they are driving to work.
Jamming to Traffic: In this fun game, players stuck in traffic jams repeatedly attempt to find stations on their car radio with music or coverage of anything other than the winter weather event. No one has ever won this game in the history of radio forecasting, so no points are awarded. Ever.
Guess Why These Idiots are on the Road: Players invent fun stories of why there are so many drivers on the road during a winter weather event. They are awarded points for cursing at the other drivers for being dumb enough to be on the road. More points are awarded if you can adequately justify why you, yourself, are on the road and why you should not be called an idiot as well.
Winter Cookbook: Players must utilize whatever food they have on hand in their kitchens to feed their families and pets. Not to be confused with feeding your family WITH your pets; this is a different game entirely, people. No pets are ever harmed in the Winter Olympics for Regular People. In this game, players are told that there is only a light dusting of snow expected. Accordingly, the players will scoff and refuse to go to the store. On the following morning, they will find their door completely covered in eighteen feet of snow. Now, these players must use whatever food they have in the kitchen to feed everyone. Some suggestions: hot dog and rice soup, spoiled ground beef delight, and “that should still be good, it only expired two days ago” surprise. Extra points awarded to those who can create a palatable dish from canned green beans with a sketchy expiration date and old cake mix.
Facebook Beach Picture Collecting: Players earn points based on how many of their friends share pictures of the beach and post about how warm it is in Florida or Mexico. Players lose massive amounts of points for sharing these photos or in any way confessing to a bout of envy.
As you can see, the winter is full of fun games that anyone can enjoy! I personally want to enjoy them in Florida or Costa Rica. Or anywhere the cold does not hurt my face. Now, where did I put those damned chains for the tires? Ahhh…let the games begin.