I wrote this entry back in 2013 right before Christmas. Recently, while in a store I actually came across this handy-dandy little item in-person, and it reminded me of my previous discourse on this very important subject. So lucky you, I’m running it again. Oh and yeah, I now have a set of these, so if anyone ever wants to come visit, I’m prepared…
You might not know this about me, but I’m a wine connoisseur. Okay, scratch that. If I use the word connoisseur you probably think I can tell you which wine pairs well with salmon. Or why the ’86 Bordeaux from some remote slope of hill in France is vastly superior to the ’92. Well, I can’t. I have no clue about those finer points. So, let’s downgrade from “connoisseur” and say that I’m a certified wine lover. Sure it can give a wicked headache, but to me, it’s worth it. The texture, the taste, the smell, the sense of satisfaction that it comes with as it rolls around in my glass. I bask in the ritual of it all and while I can’t win any blind taste tests I do know that my favorite of all the varieties are sweet wines. I recently found one that actually uses chocolate in the process. Yes, you read that right. Chocolate and wine in one. Ummmmm, yes please! It can’t get any better than that.
Or so I thought…
Through rigorous and in-depth research (on Facebook) I discovered one of the better inventions of the last century: the wine sippy cup! No offense to Edison or Tesla but, come on, a sippy cup designed specifically for adult use! And not just any sippy cup. A WINE sippy cup. This is either a high or low point in the development of our society; I’m just not sure which. It really could go either way.
Before you bury your head in your hands and mutter to yourself, “Oh Wendy, I think you might have a problem” let’s think about this device from a purely practical standpoint, okay? Under careful dissection you’ll probably come to see that the wine sippy cup really is an ideal gadget for the clumsy drunk (which, under scrutiny, is a pretty redundant phrase). Every party has at least one, usually more around this time of year when office holiday parties are turning corporate do-gooders into hedonistic horror stories in mere hours.
These clumsy drunks, they’re easy to spot. They gesticulate wildly; they botch simple tasks like resting their elbow on a table; they send spit flying when they talk way too close to your face. But most importantly, they’re the ones who take a couple sips from their drink before somehow knocking it over. How they do it is always one of those things that you can see coming a mile away but can’t do anything about. The clumsy drunk maybe swings their coat over the table as they try to suit up for a quick cigarette break. Or they manage to trip in their ridiculously high heels (that look oh so pretty) and send their drink flying across the room…. sometimes on the white rug that was previously a decorative focal point of the room (don’t ask me how I know this). Or they turn their body before their head when deciding to stumble to the bathroom and run right into the person passing by next to them.
Why should we suffer witnessing (or performing) these blunders of hand-eye coordination? Or worse, be in charge of the clean-up. They can be a thing of the past with the wonderfully ingenious sippy cup invention. Carpets, pets, kids, tabletops, mantles, laps, and couches will all be safe if we start utilizing this device in our everyday life.
On top of all that is sheer practicality. Get this: it’s made of plastic. I mean, of course it’s made of plastic. I wouldn’t be recommending it to you if it wasn’t. Who enjoys busting out the broom and sweeping up glass when they’re tipsy? No-one, that’s who. On the flip side, what’s even more unenjoyable is getting a shard of glass embedded in your foot resulting in an embarrassing trip to the emergency room where you have to explain to the nurse that you were just cleaning up broken crystal knocked over by your cat (don’t ask me how I know this either).
I already hear your obvious concern. You’re saying, “Wendy, ummm, won’t I look kind of like an idiot carrying around a sippy cup at a party?” Well…yeah, you kinda will. But who cares!? It’s bound to catch on and you can be the pioneer for your group of friends. Do me a favor, get one of these sippy cups, set aside your pride, and take it to your next party. Not your kid’s sleepover party. A party with real adults and actual alcohol being consumed. Watch what happens. I can tell you one thing that won’t happen. I bet you won’t have guys fawning over you and trying their best to win over you and your plastic sippy cup with cheesy pick-up lines. Unless you spy that special someone who brought a sippy cup of his own!
Although for some of you (and you know who you are), all that wining and dining (ha! see what I did there!?) isn’t always necessary because…well….you’re a free spirit…and just a few guzzles of alcohol is more than enough to rationalize the long walk home with your panties in your purse. Don’t roll your eyes at me. We’ve all been there.
With this nifty grown-up sippy cup, you can go back to falling asleep with sippy cup in hand just as you did when you were a child. Think about it. You’ll be able to continue this nighttime habit for the rest of your life – that is so long as you weren’t breastfed. Can’t help you there. Actually, now that I think about it, if the cup came in a large “pint” size for beer, I can think of quite a few friends and family members who would be rushing to add this to their last minute Christmas list.
Now, with my rant coming to an end and ready to congratulate myself for a blog well posted by pouring myself a little something, I have to ask one last question… where can I get one!?